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Going no contact with toxic mother

Posted by
ISOBEL
on Jan 24 2019 at 16:37
Member since: 01 March 2017
Emotional advice Hello

I've posted once or twice on here before about my relationship with my mother.

3 months ago I cut all contact with her, after our last meeting didn't go well. I couldn't face seeing her every 6-8 weeks. It was for one day only, but it left me in termoil for days after, whilst she went home happy, thinking everything was ok.

I have found it exstreamly infuriating that she can not acknowledge how she behaved at my wedding and the hell she put my husband and I through during the year of planning it, with her demands and sometimes childish tantrums. In our last meeting I confronted her and I was told I liked to hold grudges. Yet she claimed she didn't know what she was meant to acknowledge.

Since I have very on and off days. Some days I feel great, I concentrate on my baby and I don't think about her at all. I like the fact that I don't have talk to her on the phone and listen to and receive text messages demanding pictures of my baby. I also like the space and not having to dread seeing her.

Other days I feel incredibly sad and I question myself a lot. I feel hugely guilty in the fact that she doesn't get to see my baby grow up. I feel that she'd be a good grandmother but I fear as my child grows up she'll start to play mind games with her. Theses feelings are enhanced when my grandmother, tells me she wishes we'd start talking and it worries her because she doesn't want to leave this earth knowing we don't talk. My mum has been very unkind to my grandmother in the past and she's forgiven her for a lot of things, so I suppose my grandmother feels I should do the same.

Yet my uncle and aunt know how I feel, they cut contact with my mother a few years ago. Aside from my husband they are they supportive of me and my decision. I do talk on the phone once in a while. My mum has also been horrible to them too, for years it seems, and I didn't even realise. Our talks do make me feel a whole lot better and make feel like I'm not making it up or going crazy.

I don't know how long this no contact will go on for, part of me wants it forever part of me doesn't. How do I make such a hard decision? And how do I feel comfortable and confident in my desicion?

Many thanks in advance

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 25 2019 at 13:48
Member since: 27 December 2013
Please spend some time on the web finding out everything you can about narcissists.

They are crazy- making people and can hold others in a state of emotional turmoil.

Your baby will pick up your feelings of angst and being distracted. Plus your husband is probably tired of all the drama.

Educated yoursekf on this disorder and break your mother’s hold on your time and energy.

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
ISOBEL
on Jan 28 2019 at 11:30
Member since: 01 March 2017
Thank you.

A Counsellor who I used to see, had mentioned she could be a narcissist. I have spent a lot of time on the internet and I'm now convinced she is a narcissist. My husband joined me in the research and he agrees.

You are correct my hubby is getting tired of this but he's also hurt, as my mother told doesn't acknowledge us as a married couple. In the last meet up with her, she told me she wants to see the baby and me. No mention of my husband and she dismissed him when I mentioned him. She could not handle it when I told her firmly we come as a family from now on. My husband has done nothing wrong. He and my mother had a good relationship before we got married but it was her behaviour during the time of our wedding that made him see what she was really like and begin to dislike her. I had told him about my childhood and the horrible things she used to say to me he listened, but he didn't believe she could be spiteful so it was a leaning curve for him!

The last few days have not been easy with my elderly grandad being in hospital very unwell. My brother told me that my mother had tried to contact me but she couldn't get through. She has been blocked for the past three months on my mobile and my brother thinks I should unblock her. I see no reason why I should unblock her because this has happened, it would not be a pleasant conversation, she'd pile the guilt on to me. I have my aunt and uncle to keep me updated on my grandads well being. I have supported my grandmother and aunt by calling them everyday. Its been tough emotionally, as I find myself questioning myself again.

I know its future situations like this will come up, for example if we have another child, grandparents health, the grandparents Will, my mothers and her partner health and illness.

I feel very protective of my lovely little family. My baby is confident, sweet and a little feisty, nothing like me as a child and i believe that was because I was never given the confidence and was talked down to and controlled. for most of my childhood, even as a young adult. I don't want my mother influencing my baby and bashing her confidence.

My mind is telling me to take this slow and see what happens. Should I be there for my mother? What is fair?

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 28 2019 at 20:51
Member since: 27 December 2013
What is fair is what is right for you and your husband. You do not need to open the door to her manipulation or control just because another relative is ill.

I hope you continue with counseling. Just the thought of her coming back into your life creates anxiety for you.

Learn to detach. With compassion, but with firmness.

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
ISOBEL
on Jan 30 2019 at 15:29
Member since: 01 March 2017
Counselling is difficult at the moment with baby. I have a lovely mother in law, but she's out every day teaching. My husband works long hours. Online seems like a good option for the moment until I can start going again.

Today I spoke to my grandma and by the end of the call I felt awful, riddled with guilt and on the verge of tears. My mother and her partner took her to the hospital yesterday. My grandma said my mother was cordial to every one, including my aunt and uncle. I'm genuinely pleased she was pleasant. My grandma hit a sore nerve by saying she wished we would make friends. She said mum talks about me and the baby non stop. I would imagine its more about the baby she talks about, not me. Before going to the hospital, they went shopping and my mother was looking at baby clothes. Gandma even hinted to me I might get something in the post. I'm pleased she gave me the heads up on this, receiving gifts from her sends me on a massive guilt trip. I normally tell my grandma I don't want to talk about my mother but today I couldn't. I knew she was worried about my grandad who has been very up and down so far, I didn't want to upset her.

My mother has always blamed her health for her bad actions, or choice of unkind words. She's suffers from anxiety. Growing up if she lashed out at me, it was because she was stressed out or suffering from back pain or was feeling unwell. Always some excuse regarding her health. At my wedding she blamed her appauling behaviour on the fact she had been ill a few weeks before. My grandma said my mother dropped her off outside the hospital but she didn't go in because she was too anxious to see my grandad in a hospital bed. My grandma concluded to me she must be very stressed.

Now I'm upset, yet again judging myself and wondering if I should contact her but that goes against every descision I've made in the last three months. It would be unfair to my husband as my mother would only refuse to acknowledge him again.

Am I right in thinking my mother put on a big show with her anxiety at the hospital and looking at baby clothes and this got my grandma feeling sorry for her?

It feel like I'm in a no win situation, I was miserable having her in my life, but the down days with no contact are so hard too. I'm trying to stay strong here.

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 30 2019 at 17:40
Member since: 27 December 2013
Google: narcissist love bombing.

That should explain what she’s doing.

Shame on her to use grandma - at her time of stress - to try to manipulate you! She loads up grandma with pitiful love wants and sends her to be the messenger!

You are going to HAVE to strenghten yourself so you can bust these games she plays. Spend time on the web and listen to videos, if you cant get to a therapist.

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
ISOBEL
on Feb 12 2019 at 14:25
Member since: 01 March 2017
My grandad has passed away. It has been a very sad week, but not unexpected.

Now the funeral is being planned by my grandma, my aunt and my mother. My brother is around trying to make things civil as possible between them. I wish I was there but they live far away from me. 4 hour drive. I currently don't have a car and have mummy duties and work commitments.

I'm undecided as to whether I can go to the funeral. From a practical point, I literally have no one to look after my baby. As the funeral will be in my grandparents home town, we have to stay at least two nights and my mother in law could not look after the baby on her own for that amount of time nor can she come with us. I do have friends but I've not known them long enough, and they have their own babies. I have looked into every option I can think of.

Another reason is that my mother and her partner in particaluar would make comments and cause friction. And make herself look like the victim to other family members. Her partner can't keep his mouth shut for five seconds without being rude or nit picking. I have discovered through my readings he enables her behaviour. I know the majority of the time, she'll be concentrating on the funeral but I know her and she won't be able to help herself. She can't separate the funeral and the relationship she has with me and my husband as two different things.

My grandma could try to make us talk, she's already told me again in the last few days she wished my mother and I would make up and brought my grandads passing into it. This upset me and I know my mother had been with her that day.

Something is telling me not to go but I feel awful about it. I'm certain my grandma will understand, but it's telling her. My husband has warned me about my mothers reaction to me not going.

My alternative is to go spend a few days with my grandma after the funeral, take her out and go and visit my grandads grave. Spend some quality time with her.

On another note, my mother is writing her own speech for the funeral. is this for attention? My brother expressed his concerns about her doing this due to her pannick attacks. I know he's stressed but he completely dismisses what I say about our mother and refuses to read anything on narcissism.

What should I do ? Do I woman up and go? Or choose to go about this in a different way?

Going no contact with toxic mother
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Feb 12 2019 at 16:23
Member since: 27 December 2013
Funerals bring out the best and worst in people.

So - I like your “alternative” idea.

Let all the dust settle, then spend time with your grandmother. Tell her you will be there for her later. She will need you then, anyway.

No need for you to be an audience for all the drama that may happen.

PS - it’s time to tell grandma that you just are not able to talk about the relationship between you and your mother. Change the topic if she brings it up. And tell her you don’t want her to be bothered by anything at this time.