it's been two months since we have started dating and we had this two week Christmas break away from each other and when we came back my feelings seemed to have changed, he still felt the same and even stronger and that scared me, but now i think he is also being distant because i am. he tells me he loves me all the time and sometimes i say it back because i did think i loved him but not in the way he loves me. he also said to me he doesn't want us to be a fling which i didn't either but now i think that he might have just been a rebound as hard as that is to say. if i'm being completely honest with myself i don't think i gave myself enough time to process with losing such a big person in my life and enough time to be myself and just.. be alone you know? so the past few weeks i have been kind of distant, such as saying making up an excuse when he wants to see me, not being too interested in texting back and pulling away when he touches me.
sometimes i feel like it would be okay if he was less needy and clingy. that is a big thing for me. i'm not clingy or very touchy. i can live without being kissy and rubbing arms and him putting his head on my shoulder. sometimes he does that so much to the point where i CANNOT breathe and i have to shrug him off. just when he talks sometimes it annoys me or he does this puppy pouty act that pisses me off or he comes over and doesn't talk to me just sits there and looks upset until i talk to him. it probably just seems easier than it actually is.. like "jeeez just break up with him already if this is how you feel." its obviously easier said than done. a few reasons why i haven't is because i'm not 100% on how i feel, we share the same friend group so i feel like i'd lose all of my friends along with him and school would just be hell and and i have another year and a half left. my parents like him and my sister thinks he's right for me and when i spoke to her about it and she just got mad at me for feeling indifferent and she thinks i'm being stupid. which i probably am i don't know how to feel anymore.
OKAY so i guess i should add this as well cause i think it might be another reason why i'm being distant. my guy friend who lives in a different province who i've known for almost a year now likes me and he's really sweet and just everything and we are the exact same person. we have everything in common and we get along so well. we we're on the phone the other day for 9 HOURS! i mean how can you talk to someone for that long and not run out of things to say. he calls me his soulmate and he just says all of the right things and i think i'm starting to develop strong feelings for him but i know i shouldn't so i'm not thinking of him like that as much. he's coming to where i live in a month and asked if i want to meet him and i also don't know what to do about thatttt. i think it's a bad idea but with him it feels right. am i a bad person??? yes. i'm beating myself up. i have too many feelings and it's making me all clustered and stressed out to the point that i actually am ranting about it on a website.. sooooo maybe someone could give me some guidance as to what i do about these things anddd hopefully you read all of this and i'm actually not just typing 900 words for nothing. okay thank you for reading have a nice day x