Lost my virginity and need advice
I will try to be as descriptive as possible for this. I am a single 17-year-old girl. I was saving my virginity for someone I loved and that loved me. In December I hung out at the mall with my guy friend and my best girlfriend, let's call her Katie. we met his two friends at the mall. my friend is now dating one of them, let's call him Jack. i noticed the other one looking at me, his name will be Tim. we all hung out in Jack's car. Tim flirted a little with me that night, took my phone and looked through the pics, not giving it back until I was in his lap. later that night he took my gold chain and said I would get it back when we hang out. I went with it. his girlfriend got brought up, my BFF Katie asked what she looked like. he scrolled through her Instagram a few seconds before showing us a picture. she isn't too attractive, but that's irrelevant. he is 19 and she just recently turned 16. anyways, I thought Tim was pretty cute. I sensed that he was into me but not sure. After that night I tried to tell Katie to tell Jack to tell Tim to give Jack my necklace back. He said no and I would get it back when we hang out. Weeks pass and I ask again. Apparently, he couldn't because his GF was wearing it. (I do not know if she took it from him or he gave it to her.)
I did not have his number, he does not have a snap, and they share Instagrams. He didn't give me his number because he did not want her to see us texting I ASSUME. Fast forward to this past week.
FRIDAY: Randomly Katie says that Jack and Tim are on the phone with her and that Tim was going to call me. He called me from his HOME PHONE. We talked about planning to hang out Friday, Feb 8. with Katie and Jack at his house. (Tim's parents are out of town) There would be alcohol, and I like drinking. I and Katie agreed to it. Once we were there, it was a comfortable environment. Jack got there soon after us. Katie and I were hungry and she wanted food, so Tim drove us to town. His driving was a turn on to me, (he drove fast.) I liked it and was happy to be there. Katie forgot our wallets in her car so he ever so quickly drove us back to his place. We decided to order pizza later. We are chilling in the living room and he lays on the couch, putting his head on my lap. I laughed it off. When he sat up he had his arm around me. I let it happen. He made me anxious but I'm sure that is because I kinda liked him. Let's skip forward, Katie and I drank a bottle of crown&royal. Tim and Jack were surprised, and Jack acted to be mad because he wanted some. I was in the kitchen with Tim and he started kissing me. Katie was with Jack in Tim's room. we go in there with them and I tell Katie he kissed me, I was surprised. Somehow I ended up alone with Tim in his bed, he was on top of me. holding my arms down. I kept refusing what he was doing and he was just whispering sweet things. I can't remember how we got out of his room, but I started drinking moonshine and tequila in the kitchen. I ended up outside with Katie and jack while Tim ordered pizza. I was scared and told them he was trying to have sex with me even though I didn't want it. Tim came outside and I collapsed as soon as I saw him. he carried me inside and laid me on the couch but i fell on the floor. Katie sat there with me trying to help me. I couldn't focus or look at anyone's faces.
next thing I remember is I am in his bed and he is having sex with me. I liked it, but I don't know why. He left me there to let me sleep, I was laying there almost asleep when I realized he was gone. I started crying, I felt abandoned. Katie and Jack came in and I told them he did me. Apparently, he lied to them and said he didn't. Jack got mad at him yelling "WHAT THE F--K!" so he came in to his room. he kneeled next to me. We talked about things but i sadly cant remember. all I remember is telling him I want to lose my virginity with the person I marry and have kids with. he was listening and saying things back, as if to understand. he stayed there with me.
I was blacked out and did not form a lot of memories, but I know we had sex many times and did a lot of things. I remember hearing him moan, he was gentle with me as well. he took a shower with me and brushed my hair afterwards (i did not remember the hair brushing until i was told the next morning). I remember we had sex after the shower too. then we had laid down together and watched final destination. I fell asleep in his arms with my glasses on.
SATURDAY: I woke up in the middle of the night, glasses off, I was holding him and he was facing me. I don't know why but I rubbed his back and realized it was cold, so I pulled the cover over him. I ran my fingers through his hair and saw the glare of his eyes but then he fell back asleep, as did i.
when we woke up in the morning, i was wearing ONLY his shirt. about 10 minutes after waking up, he started rubbing himself against me (i was facing away from him) so I turned around and he kissed me and I felt him pull it out of his boxers. we were touching each other and making out until Katie and Jack walked in. then he put his d--k away. they soon left to go get a plan b pill (because jack's condom broke that night. Tim did not use a condom with me. he knew I had the nexplanon implant.) he pulled me close and held me, we kissed and laid there together. it was nice. I stared at his face and started to fall in love with it.
when Katie and jack got back, she helped me find my clothes. we got up and dressed. all of us sat in the kitchen talking about some random things, and some about that night. tim kissed me on the forehead.
i felt anxious and my heart wouldnt stop racing, i thought i should go home. katie made and excuse that she should go to work.
before leaving he kept kissing me deeply. and before we left, he said he would text me later. as you can guess he didnt. i texted him saying "hellloooo". no response.
SUNDAY: Katie told Jack and Jack mentioned it to Tim. Tim said to tell me to text him. I did, but his responses took forever. So i asked if we could talk on the phone. i wanted to ask what all we did. he said he couldnt because he had a community service first thing in the morning. i asked "what about tomorrow" and he said "yea that works" i said "okie" and he said "great". i said "good luck and sleep well" and he said "thanks talk to you in the morning"
MONDAY: i messaged him good morning and he responded after his night school at 7:30 telling me he just left. i said "ooo how was it" he said "good" and "what are you doing?" i said "just chilling" he said "same" i tried to call him about an hour later, but he didnt pick up. at 11pm he said "hey sorry been talking to my sister" and i said "thats okayy" he never responded and now it's today.
NOTES: friday night jack was asking Tim when he would break up with his gf. saturday morning jack looked at the picture of tims gf in his bathroom and said he would have to get rid of that (or something along those lines.) tim laughed with a "yeah". he is still with his gf and hanging out with her tomorrow and valentines day. he has cheated on her before and they broke up over it around January 2018. they have been together a little over a year if you exclude the breakup. i remember asking him why he was cheating on his gf and he told me, she makes him feel trapped and is always up his a-s. and jack said that he told him he really really likes me.
CONCLUSION: i am hurt by this. i do not understand why i was so willing to have sex with him. Jack said to Katie that he mustve said something to me to get me to. but i remember liking it a lot, maybe thats because i was so drunk. i was not raped. I don't even regret it.
i want to have sex with him while sober, honestly. i just want his girlfriend out. I don't want to try to date him, not any time soon. i really like him, and i cant get him out of my mind. he knew that i wanted to lose my virginity to someone that I was going to marry so why did he do it? why did he hold me? why did he wash me in the shower? why did he kiss me and my forehead and say he would text me? why is he still with his gf? I WANT TO ASK HIM SO BADLY, but I do not want to look crazy. I feel so crazy. Katie said if he wanted me gone he would've just blocked me. so i dont know. should i leave him alone and try to hang out with him again after a week or so? I think its best to talk face to face about things and not over the phone. If I do talk to him face to face, what would I even say? I'm so confused. I hope i have given enough background information. i need advice. i want to see him again soon. i am actually craving him.
I did not sit on his lap, he dragged me across the seats into the front passenger seat on top of him. When I tried to get up he wouldn’t let me. I let him keep my chain because I wasn’t going to bother with trying to get it off of him. I didn’t play him haha.
I have the implant because my mom thought I should get it just in case something like rape or a spur of the moment thing happened. He knew about my implant because while I was drunk he asked me if I was on BC.
I will be getting checked soon for STDs.
I was shy around him from the start, but when I was intoxicated I literally opened like a book lol. The next morning I was getting back to my senses and realizing what happened.
Valentines is coming up so he will be with his girlfriend. I don’t want to bother him while he is with her. I’ll wait a week or so to try and meet up with him and talk.
I am not sure. I think I should just forget about him and work on myself for now. Idk what I’ll say to him if I eventually do speak to him. Im not looking for sex or looking for a partner