Smoking and relationships
FRANCES96 - Feb 28 2019 at 10:58
Hello, I need advice. I began relationships with the man who smoked. I don't like the smell of cigarettes and always have an allergic reaction to the smoke.
I asked him to quit for a thousand times, but he ignored this and said that this addiction is stronger than him. I think that now it is time to revise my priorities and make changes in relationships.
The final thing, what he decided to do for me was vaping. He started vaping instead of smoking cigarettes, it was like a compromise for us. I found some information about vaping and second-hand vaping on special sites, maybe you know VapingDaily, AddictionResource or something like that, where people say that vaping is better than smoking for health, but as for me, it's a not healthy thing. If you have some experience with e-cig and you know how it affects health, let me know, please. I will be grateful.
I don't know how to perceive this action. And should I force him to quit I think it is not good for the relationships. Thank you.
" I began relationships with the man who smoked."
Then by your action, at 'point of sale', you read his advertisement, accepted his being a smoker (and owning his own agency like the grown, independent adult he is). Why did you do that if you now admit what anathema smoking is to you and always has been - and always will?
Was it because you felt confident there would come a point where his refusing to give up would newly strike him as the lesser of two evils, the other being, the loss of you and the pain that causes? A kind of 'Do it or the puppy gets it?'.
Given your initial, unspoken acceptance of his habit, this chap shouldn't even *have* to compromise yet still has (what a sweetie!). Seemingly, however, rather than be impressed, you seem to have taken it only as encouragement to push your luck even further. To wit:
"should I force him to"
Force? FORCE? Pardon? Are you listening to yourself, Frances? Aren't you a bit shocked when I point this out to you? I mean - if you want to talk about dirty habits...?
Who taught you to go into relationships believing that you can 'pimp your ride' to that enormous degree, and to keep that belief-backed intention a secret until the other person is powerless to resist? Wouldn't it be a lot better and easier for you to avoid dating smokers in the first place? Or are you kidding yourself that pickings are scarce?
FYI, personally, were I so averse to smoking and smokers I'd put up with his smokiness-, sorry - MERE VAPINESS now - for the sake of the *far* more important relationship quality and success ingredient: incredible empathy, considerate-ness, flexibility and just an all-round amazing relationship work ethic!
See what I'm saying? You're sweating the small stuff. And it *is* small stuff because if you really were that intolerant of smoke or even vape, you wouldn't even be capable of putting up with it for the first however many weeks whilst waiting to start insisting on such changes.
"and said that this addiction is stronger than him"
Then it's stronger than you, too. If you push past the point of fair compromise and into Controller territory, this guy with the obviously good and generous heart will dump you, mark my words. No healthy male wants to feel you're with them more for their potential than who they already are. Not to that degree. (It's always about degrees.)
Saying all of that, maybe he's good on-paper but doesn't *actually* light your candle - or not enough - and you're thinking, 'If only he didn't smoke, maybe then I'd feel more into him'?
Have you been starving and lonely?