So, this is my first time doing something like this. I'm kind of scared honestly, getting all of this out into the open. I'll start off by saying that i'm 18 years old. I live with my mother (44) and my sister (17). There's no one i can talk to about this kind of stuff here, besides maybe one person but I don't see them enough to want to go into details. I don't know what's wrong with me, it seems like these past few years have done a massive number on me. I constantly feel alone, and spend most of my time in my room not hardly coming out for anything aside from food. I have severe troubles when it comes to social situations, like talking to people and going out and seeing people or even doing things with friends. Small things like just ordering food at a restaurant make me start to choke up and nervously shake and stutter. And that's only the beggining.
Not only do I have trouble in basically any kind of social situation, I can't trust myself to be alone. I take part in self harm sometimes, and lately i've been thinking about suicide everyday. The idea of just passing on and leaving everything behind, just knowing that there is a way out, puts me at ease. It's like there's this massive pain in my chest, a sinking feeling, like everything I do is worthless, that I'm worthless and that I'll never amount to anything. It's horrible.
(( I'm about to pour out my life problems ))
From a very young age, my father and mother split up. My mother got custody of both of us and has been supporting us pretty much by herself aside from the child support checks. When i was younger, maybe from ages 7-16 i'd go see my father every other weekend. He used to drink and he had a few drunker rampages, smashing mirrors and doors and ripping a tv off of the wall once. When i was a little older he had a wife that had 4 children of her own, and when my sister and I would go see him, we'd be forced to babysit while he drank or went to work out or worked and his woman slept. Not only that, despite his major absence in my life, he has always tried having a hand in what I do. Small things like making me play baseball to large things like telling me what i was going to grow up and do and trying to force me to get a job at a car plant. On the day of my 18th birthday, he called me and told me that I have to get a job or he'd come and force me to apply at places, no happy birthday or anything. He's one of three people I hate.
My sister is the second. Hate is a strong word I know, but I don't use it lightly. I wanted us to get along, because maybe then I'd have someone around my age to talk to and such. For as long as I can remember, she's hated my guts. Any time i would try to talk to her, it was nothing but rage and disgust as if she was a queen and i was some lowly ant she wanted to squash. For years, she's do nothing but knock me down. It's to the point that I don't even argue back, I just accept whatever mean thing she says and continue on. It doesn't sound that bad, but after so long it breaks you down and you start to believe it, that's what happened to me anyways.
And the third is an ex I had. Fast forward until i'm 16, never had a relationship, never kissed anyone, never had a real love, nothing. One of my friends decided to set me up with this friend of his girlfriend. Things go fine, again though i'm an antisocial and awkward mess. Eventually we start to date. Two months in, things start going south. I'm not allowed to hang out with any of my friends and i'm not allowed to confide in the one friend who I old everything to because that's not right and it makes me a bad person telling my business to other people. We argued constantly over the dumbest things. I was able to deal with it for awhile. Things got worse though, she started wanted to do R-18 things. I told her that i wasn't ready for that kind of stuff yet. I won't say exactly what happened but i'll give you a hypothetical. Let me know what you think after the post what this is because I really don't know.
There's a boy and a girl. The girl wants to start getting sexual and the boy says he isn't ready for that and wants to wait. The girl ignores it and over a short period of time starts to make sexual advances towards the boy, each time he pushes her away. It got to the point that every time she'd make an advance and he'd deny it, she would insult and demean him, making him feel worthless and like a horrible person for embarrassing her like that. He eventually just gave in and let it happen.
Those 3 people I genuinely hate, aside from myself. I'll never look like what I want to either, nor be the person i want to be inside because all of these issues. During school I thought i would grow up and join law enforcement, but i've lost all of it. I have no ambitions or passions for anything anymore. As of late, I don't even see myself living passed my 20's. What's the point in doing anything if i'm just going to take my life sooner or later?
I don't mean to rant, I just needed to get this out. I've mentioned a small bit of this to someone online and they said "it's just a teen thing." Is it really? Am i going to grow out of this and should I just wait and see what happens? Please anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong so that I can fix it. Let me know what you think about it all. Opinions, ideas, anything. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
I can try to get into contact with him but he's been busy with college and new friends. Sleeping has been extremely rough, sometimes i'll lay in bed for hours with my eyes closed just waiting and when I do sleep it's usually only for a few hours at a time. I don't eat too much, maybe 2 times a day. But sometimes i'll go a whole day without eating anything, only drinking water and such. Other than him though, there's no one here that I can go to with these feelings and issues.
Hi There. May I ask, what is your relationship like with your mother?
She's a nice woman. I'm grateful for everything I have and she tries her best I feel, but i'd never let her know any of what's happening. She asks if i'm sad sometimes so she might care but that's all it is, just a one question one response conversation about it. I lock myself up in my room alone for most of every day so we don't end up talking too too much. We aren't close but not distant either I guess. She wouldn't understand
coming from someone only a couple of years older than you who has experienced a very similar pain: I promise. It gets better. <3 You discover new things and new people by complete accident. You just have to keep moving. I hope you're able to find some happiness very soon. It's really tough when you have basically no connection with your family, your friends are distant, and you experienced a manipulative or even an abusive relationship. I can also tell you that self harm only makes you feel worse. I know I'm a stranger on the internet, and I could never understand everything that you've been through, but please keep going. If I can offer any advice on specific feelings or problems for you, I'm more than happy to chat with you here. c: Sometimes you just need a good listener.
I really really appreciate it, thank you tons.. It's felt good to get all of this out, I really don't know what to say
That's A-okay c: I'm just glad it made you feel a little better to vent. Keep your head up! You seem like a very thoughtful individual, so I'm sure you'll be right as rain with time!