I think I need to leave my girlfriend
TIREDOFLIFE - Mar 10 2019 at 13:56
My girlfriend makes me hurt, feel alone and sad.
She lacks empathy.
If I tell her that aspects of her behaviour suck particularly badly or hurt me. She will later use those behaviours against me to hurt me on purpose.
Most recently I told her that it would hurt me alot to lose her.
She then threatened to break up with me to get her way during an argument. I know that it would hurt her as much to break up and she was just using this to get her way.
But i'm not very strong at the moment. I'm depressed, anxious, and I didn't want that pain on top of it all at this point.
I wussed out. Have done so a few times. Progressively letting her treat me worse and worse, giving her more and more ground, because she is adept at pushing the boundary and I am in no shape or headspace to stand up for it or defend it.
p.s. for what its worth this is a long distance relationship. These problems never occur in person, on the phone, or in video calls (in these situations everything is effortless and shes very kind and loving to me). Only through text. Just an interesting point I noticed.
My gf is a possible narcissist, adept at exploiting and manipulating people. Normally I wouldnt stand for it but I am not in any shape to fight. She makes me want to die. I should probably leave her but I love her alot and its hard to let go.
Help me someone
The best thing you can do is help your self and to continue to educate yourself on this. Read as much as you can on narcissism, there is lots of online help you only have to google and you tube (if you haven’t already) and there are also books you can buy.
Narcs (as you know) manipulate people and when if they spot any weakness in you, like depression or anxiety or anything like that, they make you feel worse. so if when you do leave her you might slowly start to feel better and slowly recover.
I can relate and I know how it feels, my dad is a narc and so was ex bf. I’m better now that they are out of my life.
Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear of your situation too. Sounds like you've had a hard time with this kind of thing.
I have stopped talking to her for now. My plan is that if she does come back to me I will be well enough by then that I am able to resist letting her.
But sadly, deep down I know I'm still hoping she will just apologise and go back to the sweet person she was before I noticed these signs.
I've only listed here about 50% of the things that make me want to leave her. But as you would know from your situation with your ex bf there is an equally long, if not longer list of things that make me want to stay. So it's hard, but I'm trying.
Was there any frame of mind or piece of information you found particularly helped you to let go of these people in your life?
Other than that I will take your advice and do some research on my own to see if it helps.
I've been in a relationship before where the other person has been emotionally abusive and manipulative. For me, I was under age and an adult man took advantage of me for 6 years for the feeling of control and power to boost his own self esteem. He had a lot of emotional and mental issues that contributed to his behavior, but rather than seeking help he took it out on me.
It sounds to me like your girlfriend is going through an internal struggle, or could be suffering from a form of narc like you have suspected. The best thing to do would be to distance yourself.
Please, do not let someone else use you to boost their own ego, no matter how much you love them and want to help/make them happy. The man I left was my whole world at the time. I didn't think I could survive without him because I was depressed and didn't think I would ever find anything as perfect as him. Almost 9 years later now, I can see that I was completely wrong.
You are worth so much more than your partner seems to know. It will be difficult, but take the plunge and put distance between you and her. It will help her realize that her behavior is NOT love by any standard. What helped me get through the initial pain was reaching out to new hobbies. I picked up gaming again and explored a new art medium. Perhaps start going for walks or engage with friends you don't often see. Try to build yourself anew. Do something that you have always wanted to that your relationship held you back from. If you have the means, speaking with a professional is definitely worth it.
I hope this helped to give you a little relief and hope for a better future.
Stay strong and much love
Thank you Shrimpo
Sorry to hear about your experience. Sounds horrible. But glad to hear you were strong enough to make it through and still be a kind and good person at the end of it.
I'm taking both of you guys advice and taking a step back and some time to work on being happy and being better on my own. But I didn't break up with my gf
The way she is acting isn't cool but there is a little more to the story and I don't believe she's a lost cause. I love her.
I'll see what happens with us after I've had some time to myself to get better and ill stay vigilant this time.
(rofl) (A) I noticed the descriptions of her are getting more intense with each post. Reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld where george is set up with Marisa Tomei and he ads in extra adjectives for himself. "I noticed you threw stocky in there".
I'm actually feeling slightly defensive for her and regretting setting her up to be publicly slammed now.
As for why I put up with it?
She has only really shown this side very recently.
I guess I only really put up with it once and that was when she threatened to break up. As I said, I am unwell and was worn down, tired, and anxious (which is something I don't have much previous experience with). I caved because I really just wasn't ready to give it all up at that point. And it briefly seemed like an easier option.
And trading it in for a real relationship? It is real? Are you suggesting that just because you are using the internet to communicate with me that I am not real?
I'm not just the words on this webpage, I am a living being (rofl) (A)
Although I do appreciate you input, concern and advice.
Yeah the mind set you need to get into is knowing that people with npd never change. They never say sorry, if they actually do then they don’t mean it, coz usually it’s followed with a lame excuse as to why they said or did something. It because they genuinely do think they are perfect and so they can no wrong.
Has your gf ever apologised or acknowledged something she’s said or done to hurt you?
Accepting that a person you love has npd is hard, and it’s shocking they they can act this way. To actually be that rude. That spiteful and have really bad morals and lack of respect of others. They are exhugsting people to be in a relationship and really frustrating.
So there is a grieving process that you need to go through. it’s good you are distancing your self from her keep going with this.
But be awear that narcs play mind games, she will try everything she can to get you back. If not now, soon. To trick you in thinking she’s changed or she wants to make up. So my dad sent me and bro and sis, gifts (really weird gifts), he sent money, he me emails say he was trying to change he is in couseling. He told us he’s been very ill and very stressed, then went off on a 3 week holiday?! He’s tried to say sorry I knew he didn’t mean it. We’ve met up with him a few times but he always showed his true colours. So look out, be prepared and don’t fool for it.
With my Ex bf was the most disappointing, I really fell for him. we dated for two years, but I got over him quicker. When we started dating my mum and dad had split up so I was going through a hard time. He was nice helpful and caring and I thought he was just what I needed. He put on a very, very good act. There were small signs he was hugely insecure but I thought that was me not giving him enough attention. He was argumentative. And he loved himself, he knew he was good looking and there were when I did think get over yourself because he could be very arrogant, which actually made his personality really ugly.
My dad is harder coz obviously he’s my parent (or was) and has been for 20 years. What I have done is write angry letters (that obviously I never sent to him) and writing out bullet points as to why I have no contact. These are both very good ways to vent and I keep them in my bedside table. They are a very good reminder, so if I ever doubt myself (quite rare now), or if I’m feeling sad, I can read them and more often then not I feel better after.
Exercise is another really good way to relieve the anger. And keep reading like i said.
There is counselling. I went for a couple of months but honestly this forum for me has been really helpful.
You say there’s a little more to the story, can you expand on that?
‘I'm actually feeling slightly defensive for her and regretting setting her up to be publicly slammed now.’ And ‘She has only shown this side very recently’.
Can understand why you say that but they put on a very good act. They are excellent actors. Try not to feel guilty and trust yourself with what you have noticed in her personality. They love bomb (google) they do start off very sweet, very thoughtful and kind to begin with. They don’t necessairly show their traits straight away. Like with my ex.
I'm sorry if it came off as belittling or shaming your girlfriend, tiredoflife. That was not my intent. Just to let you know that people with this type of of behavior (from what you have described your girlfriend as thus far) can be very damaging should you choose to stay with her right now.
Time can change people, and it sounds like you need time to restrengthen your heart while she has time to realize that treating you badly isn't acceptable. Especially if this behavior has just recently manifested. As I suggested earlier, she may be struggling with npd, or she may have some kind of internal struggle causing her to lash out; she may not even realize that it's making her this way.
Just putting distance between you for now would be a healthy step for you and your partner. Then once you've had time to recover and repair, give it another go? If you think she'd be open to talking openly about this issue with you, that would also be a good step. Figure out if this is something she is willing to work on for the sake of your relationship after the break (since you described earlier that she used your pain as a weapon to manipulate you earlier)
Coming from someone with a type of mental condition that drastically changes my mood and tolerance level, it's easy for me to lash out on my partner as well. And for a long time when I went untreated, I didn't realize that I was being absolutely horrible to him. Only when he and I stepped back to realize that I wasn't being a good partner did I get back on the horse, so to say.
I know bipolar disorder and npd are two completely different animals, but I hope this can give a little perspective from her side if she's struggling with something she can't control. The most important thing for you right now is to make sure YOU are okay. Right now it seems that you aren't, because you are in a lot of pain. So just give it time, like you have decided to do, and comeback stronger, with new knowledge, and see if she is willing to work it out.
I hope this clears up any negativity you felt from my previous post <3
Very true, thanks Lily, I need to watch out for it especially since I'm quick to forgive.
And it's all good Shrimpo, I knew that your post and all the advice I've received so far was coming from a positive and helpful place. Thanks for your insights, it did make me think from a different perspective.
-"You say there’s a little more to the story, can you expand on that?"
Mainly her age. She is a fair few years younger than me. I know that I could be pretty selfish, immature and sometimes just a total jerk when I was her age.
That's part of why I'm reserving judgement and holding hope that some life experience and maturity will help things for us.
It certainly has been so far.
-" It will be difficult, but take the plunge and put distance between you and her. It will help her realize that her behavior is NOT love by any standard."
You're right, it is difficult at times. But it's worth it. It has helped immensely and may have been the single action that saved things between us.
-"Has your gf ever apologised or acknowledged something she’s said or done to hurt you?"
She has. Especially more recently.
Although I have heard some of the dodgy excuses you mentioned as well.
-I guess the reason I came back to this thread was to show appreciation. For being there back then, but also for the genuine advice and support.
The parts of it that I followed really did work and we are in a much better place now.
But long distance is still hard even during good times. Especially when my next visit is a fair while away.
That's the other reason I'm back here, just struggling through a rough day with it.
Thanks again guys
I'm so glad that you seem to be doing better!! Giving her space to mature and grow is a really good choice, and if she starts to lash out again, you know how to approach it. If you are willing to help her curb her behavior habits, that's very compassionate of you. Just make sure you keep the environment healthy for yourself as well. If it gets to be too much, you ARE allowed to walk away.
Things will probably stay rough for a little while. Just make sure to show yourself some love as well during the process. I'm sure if you have any other troubles that you need to vent about, or need advice on anything else, there will always be people listening for you ♡
The biggest take away I can give you for now is to keep reminding and lovingly guiding her through her bad behavior. I know when I was young, immature, and unstable, that helped me a lot. You both deserve equal treatment in a partnership, not one being more controlling or cruel towards the other. Much luck my friend!