Reviving my complex long distance romantic relationship
Hello. My name is Fer. I need your advice. I really need advice.
Two years ago, Maria rejected me. She was a friend of a friend. I was genuinely in love with her. What attracted me the most was that we had deep political and philosophical conversations. We would share very poetic experiences and I genuinely liked her. However, after confessing, she rejected me and blocked me from any means of communication. I was sad. The way in which I dealt with the pain was by becoming cynical, thinking that no true feelings existed and nothing was sincere. And more than that, I believed that I didn't deserve any true love and I should use people to achieve my goals.
A couple of weeks later, a person contacted me. (Let's call her girl H). She was from another country and I had barely chatted with her before. We had worked together in an online art forum before. We chatted little by little. I didn't think too much of it. I was flirtitious and charming. I told her about my political dreams of helping my community. After a month of chatting, we imagined what it would be to be a couple and we agreed to be one and see how it went out. Let me remind you that she is from another country and so far, we had never met in person. Anyhow, our relationship kept growing and growing. Although, at first, I didn't felt love for her, I did eventually loved her. I still love her. She became part of my life. We grew up to be very intimate. She was the reason why I adopted 3 bunnies as pets. Three bunnies which I love and care for a lot.
Girl H even became friends with my Grandma.
She has depression and that has been a big factor in our relationshp. I really wanted to help her. However, it's hard to help someone when she is depressed. I did look for options. Like making excercise or going to a psychiatrist. I even went to a psychiatrist in my country in order to see what I could do. However, girl H refused to do excercise and refused to go a psychiatrist in her country. Sometimes, I didn't know what to do and I would avoid her. We had some fights because of that. However, I know that she loved me a lot. Although it was hard for me to understand her when she was depressed.
My country currently has postal problems. This stopped me to send her gifts and packages. Gifts which I would constantly buy for her. And she also bought several gifts to me.
Last year, I had saved up enough money to go to Japan and meet my best friend. I did have the opportunity to go meet girl H (she is not from Japan), but I took her for granted and thought that I would visit her next year. She got angry at me and we had a terrible fight. Nonetheless, we continued to be together.
On January of 2019, we had a big fight. I was tired and I told her that I didn't know what to do about her depression. She told me that we should have a 1 month break. During that month, I struggled in several stages of my political life. Well, a political life is a very difficult life. People manipulate you. Sometime you have to manipulate people. And I had come across the point where I understood that I wanted to be a good politician. Thus sincerity and honesty was the right choice. I know this sounds very very obvious, however, when you are in politics, you follow what older politicians do in order to be successful. And it's really hard to think morally. It has been through several debates, religious and philosophical that I have come across the conclusion that honesty and truth are the right thing. Even more, dialogue as stated by Paulo Freire. To genuinely listen to other people is the right choice. Basically, I have adopted Mr. Rodger's approach to politics, which is to listen and be sincere. Let people speak! Anyhow, during that month, I came across that realization. I realized all the mistakes I had done in my relationship with Girl H. I was wrong in so many ways. I should have listened to her more. I should have understood her and appreciate he more
I sent her a package with gifts from Grandma and I. She hasn't received it yet though.
By the end of February, she contacted me again. She told me that she had met someone else online that truly cared for her. However, she decided to stay with me. She wasn't ready to throw a 2 year relationship away. After she had told this to this other guy, he lashed out unto her and she felt hurt. She told me that she hated me. And that she was afraid that the only reason she was come back to me was because she pity me. She repeated several times that she really didn't feel any love for me anymore.
I was confused and angry when she told me that. Of course, I wanted her to come back. But I never thought I woulud be replaced so easily. During the conversation, she compared me to him. She said that the only good thing I had was my morality. After crying and a 4 hour conversation, we agreed to give it another chance to our relationship. However, I felt very depressed. I wanted to die. Was I really not worth anything? Were 2 years of relationship so easily brushed off? I really wanted to die.
At first, she showed interest, she actually wanted to hear me breath as she slept. However, as I gave her more attention and did more things for her, her interest dropped.
We chat daily, but her replies are empty.
Yesterday, I was able to stand back again in my feet. I don't want to die anymore. I will continue in my political career.
I really love her and I want to win her heart back. I see her as the only woman in my future. If she is not there, I will not care to have another relationship. Ironically, I don't say this as an irrational statement, rather as a very rational one. From the very beginning of my political career, I understood that having a family and a romantic relationship was a risky thing. I used to dream of having a big family and owning a farm or a school. Now, I find purpose and life in my political career. Personal desicions like having a family seem worthless compared to giving my life for the welfare of my people. And I feel very inspired by those heroes and heroines who have done it. In fact, what brought me out of this terrible depression was learning of a local hero who fought to protect a river from being contaminated. However, I do have the hope that with Girl H, I could have both a political life and a family. I do have that hope. And I do love her.
I have understood that if she doesn't love me back, then there is nothing I can do.
As I said before, her interest in chatting with me has dropped and I don't know what to do. I have heard of the no contact strategy. However, I don't know if that will work. She doesn't love me. But I love her. I wish I could buy a ticket to her country and meet her right away but I don't have the time nor money to do it. I have estimated and I will be able to visit her by the end of this year, which I plan to do.
I want to win her heart back. I know that she can stop talking to me very easily. Just blocking me will do the job. She hasn't done that so far. And she did say that she wanted me to make her fall in love with me again. That gives me hope.
I know I did wrong by getting angry when she talked to me again. I know I did wrong by getting depressed. After all the mistakes I have done, is it possible to win her heart again?
What do I do?
Sounds like you're in a similar situation to me at this point. I think I have two major points I can offer.
The first seems to be something you have already considered. Which is giving her space might actually help her interest to grow again.
This is hard because sometimes people say they feel smothered or need space when you actually are giving them plenty. Or maybe you both just have different ideas of what plenty of space is.
From your post I can understand why you're hesitant to do this as last time you cut off contact she met another guy. But guess what mate, she chose you! That should restore some confidence I hope.
That is my first point. No need to completely cut contact but a bit of space might be good for both of you for now.
My second point and by far the more important one I think.
You might need to push to meet her sooner than later.
I know you said that you lack the time and the money, but nothing is impossible. I don't mean to add extra stress to you but looking from the outside I think this is the solution.
-First it brings you both together, sounds like she really has feelings for you but this will help her to feel for you on a whole new level and to really start to see how real what you have is. I really can't overstate how much easier it will all be when you are both face to face.
Don't get me wrong, there will still be work to be done, but many of her perceived problems will disappear and you will both be happier. This will help.
-Second, if you make time and extra money for her, she will be impressed. Both that you were capable of this when it came down to the crunch. But also that you did it for her and showed how important she is to you.
-Women like big gestures (IF they like the guy it's coming from). They also like men of action who can change circumstances to suit them, rather than be a slave to circumstances.
-It might show to her that you really are sorry for meeting your friend instead of her and you do regret that.
It's hard. But if this is really a once in a lifetime girl for you, then you might need to take some once in a lifetime actions.
That's my advice. I know the second point may seem very difficult but I believe you can achieve it. As for how, that's up to you to decide. You are the one who knows your talents and how you can come across some extra money and organise some extra time in the short term.
Good luck. And I hope it helped.
Hmm, my autocorrect changed your name and I can't edit it.
Apologies Fer and good luck again. Next time I'll have to proofread more carefully.
Thank you for your reply TiredofLife
I feel much more secure on giving her space. I feel even more secure about myself. Thank you for your support and your kind words.
I will work hard to change my circusmtances. I am not a slave to them. I can do it!
If I may abuse of your advice again, let me explain to you my current situation with further detail and the strategy I have come up with.
On Saturday, I stopped being depressed. I told Girl H that and told her that I would take responsibility for the relationship. She didn't comment on that. I got the idea of writing a letter to a politician whom I admire. I asked Girl H for her assistance to which she accepted. I also wrote a story for her. (She always loved when I wrote stories for her.) However, I did not end the story because of lack of time. I told her that I will send the rest of the story eventually. She told me she would be waiting for it.
Yesterday, we agreed to have a call later but she never called me. The last thing I told her was that I would make some puppets for an art project I am working on. She told me she wanted to see how the puppets came out. I told her I would send her a picture of the puppets when they were finished.
I also sent her a picture of my Grandma. She dressed up fancy for a party and Grandma wanted to show her that. After that, I didn't communicate with her at all. Neither did she communicate wiht me. That's the moment I started this thread. And I am very grateful for the reply you gave me.
Today, she send me a message saying she was sorry she didn't call. She said she was overwhelmed with thoughts and didn't feel like calling me. She also complimented Grandma's clothing.
To this, I replied: "I will tell your compliments to grandma. Have you received the package?" I don't know if this was correct.
I have come up with the following strategy. I will stop communicating with her. I will only be a mediator between her and Grandma. I know this is not the no-contact strategy. Because no-contact literally means no contact. And this is why I would like your opinion on this.
I also don't know what to do if she asks me "How are you?". I don't want to answer that question (I sincerely feel it's a boring question) but if I ignore it, I will know she will bring it back up.
Let me also share a bit about myself. I study Economics at the University. My mind is always trying to quantify things, which is wrong. Not everything has a quantity attached to it. I hope this gives you a glimpse of how my mind works. What troubles me about no-contact is that it's such a general strategy. What is the correct time? Should I explain why I am doing no-contact? What are the right words to use? When is the right time to end no-contact? She did no-contact with me during February, is it adequate for me to do no-contact again?
Should I continue writing the story and sharing it with her? Should I share my projects with her?
My mind is full of questions, nonetheless I have learned to be patient. Patience and taking deep breaths are always good.
Thanks again for replying and giving me support. I genuinely appreciate it. *bow
I must add that I worry about her depression attacks. I want to be there to support her. I think, that the fights we had were because I avoided her when she was depressed. I wouldn't want to do that again. But I don't know. I am open to suggestions.