What is wrong with me?
This is probably going to be long-winded, but right now I have some issues again and I'm processing them and trying to figure out what the main points are.
So I've posted on here over the last few years about some of my problems. In particular for this post, I've previously mentioned my depression, my difficult time with meeting women, and the single mother I dated last year.
I apologize if the topic jumps around a bit.
For over 3 years I've used online dating sites off and on. I recently tried again, and gave up again. A few years ago I also made a profile on an adult dating website, figuring I could find a fun fwb that way. I gave up on that back then because a person I met for coffee closed their profile after, and they didn't honestly seem my type anyway. Last year I briefly used the adult site again but didn't have any luck and gave up immediately. But recently I gave it one more go.
I don't know why I figured an adult dating site might work when dating sites haven't so far, but I gave it a shot. And once again I wasn't having a lot of luck. After not having a whole lot of success, I had a few drinks and got angry the other night.
For whatever reason my anger shifted towards blame. I went from just being unhappy with being lonely, to once again being angry at the single mother I had dated last year. I tried dating a bit since then but it's been all downhill. And it still hurt because I didn't want to date anyone with kids but made an acception for her, and she lied and ghosted me. I figured out where she worked recently and went there, ready to yell at her and question her. But fortunately she wasn't working that night, and I left and the alcohol wore off.
I went for a drive past where she used to live, but then just kept driving on. I wanted to get away and go somewhere. I pulled my car off the road and opened the adult dating app. I figured I would try again. And within an hour I was surprised to see a younger, fairly attractive girl talking to me. She had recently been cheated on and was single for a while, and was up for having fun the next day. I explained I had to drive a few hours to get there, and it would be mid-morning when I arrived. She started a new job and wanted me to meet her there for lunch before I got a hotel and picked her up in the afternoon.
So I drove 3 and a half hours from where I was and arrived in her hometown. I bought some things for later and went to her workplace for lunch a little before we'd talked about meeting, since I didn't want to be eating in front of her when we talked. I couldn't see her anywhere. I saw people that could be her, but weren't. Her lunchtime came. And then passed. I was getting nervous. I checked our conversation and realized we might not have agreed to a certain time for lunch, and that she just wanted to hang out after work. I left for a bit and came back when her shift was ending.
This time I saw her. I waited while she finished up. I went to approach her about three minutes before clock-out and she said "I'm still on the clock!" while walking away. It was odd. She kept talking to another lady there with her, and then stopped by the restroom. She, or maybe the other person even, texted me apologizing and saying she had to leave. I asked if we could just talk for a moment but she said no. She took off and I was stunned.
I had planned on getting a hotel but hadn't yet. And while I wasn't in love with driving a few more hours to get back home I did anyway. I should mention I was already up for nearly 24 hours at this point and really needed sleep. But I wasn't ready yet.
On the ride home I had cash and hit the toll road, cutting an hour off the drive. I got into a better mood and even thought I could forgive the girl I went to meet for standing me up. And then I was even thinking about forgiving the woman I dated last year. I thought about it off and on the whole ride home.
Then I did it - I made peace with her. Instead of being rude and accusatory to her, I focused on the positives - that I really enjoyed our time together and that was why I was so sad it ended, and I even apologized for the negative things I said and felt afterwards. It was a really nice talk, and maybe I even salvaged an acquaintance in a way. I didn't want to ruin the good progress I'd made, and left. I was also very tired by that point.
I wish I could say that was how my day ended, all good and positive. But there were some more ups and downs.
I went back onto the adult website, not really expecting to have any luck like usual. I told the girl who stood me up earlier we were cool. Out of the blue, another person I'd tried talking to before messaged me, and we made plans for tonight. It was hard to believe!
On the way to her place, which was much closer than where the other person lived luckily, I called her on the phone. She sounded normal enough. We started talking. She can't drive, she works as a dishwasher. She has a learning disability. At this point I'm already uncomfortable with meeting this woman, since I want to steer clear of anyone who may be autistic or handicapped somehow. But she keeps stressing she isn't either of those things. She is holding a conversation okay and seems normal enough, so I figure I'll at least talk to her for a few minutes since I'm almost there and don't want to be rude.
I arrive and we talk on her couch for a little. I had already realized and told her that we didn't have much in common, and she was okay with this. She told me several times I could leave if I wanted to. I wish I had at that point, but having been stood up earlier and having met another person on the site who wasn't the right match for me, I just wanted to have some fun.
So we did, and at first it was okay, but then after I was overcome with anxiety and emotion that I did not expect, even being an emotional sort of person. I stayed a little longer and tried to talk to her, wanting to be respectful to her and give her someone to talk to since one thing we could seem to relate on was loneliness and low self-esteem.
I just got sad and depressed, and started talking about my problems. I vented a little about how the mom I had dated made me sad because I always wanted someone young and attractive kinda like her, and how I developed a dependence on alcohol partly because of her. All the while the lady was a good sport about it and was really nice, but I felt bad dropping all that on someone. I left and felt like crap.
I build up sex in my head a lot, but then it's a little disappointing because I try doing it with people I'm not attracted to and have little in common with. I decided to stop using the adult dating website again for now as well. I don't want to keep making embarrassing mistakes like this.
I'm sad and don't know if I can ever find the right person for me. I realize none of the partners I've had are the right one, you know? In fact I feel like I've been going downhill with each person in a way. The past three partners I've had now felt like total mistakes and I've regretted it, single mom was the last one I didn't feel that way about.
I figure maybe someone can process all of this and tell me what they think my main problems are right now, and kind of put it the way that clicks for me. As it stands now I don't want to think too much about having sex again for a while. But I don't want to be alone and never find the right person for me.
The more I think about things the more I hate myself. I really do idiotic things out of desperation and emotion.
I am worried I'll never have a normal life, and the right partner, and that I'll never be happy. I kinda want to run away, but I realize it takes time to put things behind you.
I lile your suggestions so far. A card group could be fun, and I usually like smarter women so the library volunteer work is a thought.
Aww. Poor you. I can feel how miz and deprived you are. :-( Understandably, if you're still grieving and feel you've this gaping hole to fill (scuse pun LOL).
Reading that, I didn't hear a man who's desperate for some 'how's yer father', I heard someone who needs a friend (and things to do). Connection and cuddles.
Do you think that's it, deeper down?
BTW, everyone's lonely lately. It's becoming an epidemic, apparently.