In my first post, I exposed that I had a complex long distance relationship that was falling apart. Nonetheless, I was given one last chance to win her heart back. There are some lessons I learned during that period. I must state that the No-Contact rule doesn't apply for all relationships. In my situation, the break-up happened because I wasn't giving her enough attention. Sometimes, I was even ignoring her. Therefore, a no-Contact rule would only solidify the idea that "I don't love her".
Anyways! After several days of watching youtube videos about "getting an Ex back" and about love, I understood that I had to build my self-confidence again. Not begging for her to come back rather have emotional strength. Nonetheless, that took time for me to understand. I spent 2 weeks half-heartly applying the no-contact rule. She would try to talk to me and I would answer very coldly. I was annoyed because it would take her a day to answer back whenever I asked for a simple question. I was waiting for her to answer a simple question. How was I to conquer her heart if I have to wait for her to answer?
Upon this, I decided to ask all my friends to interpret what was going on. Most of their answers were, "You have to conquer her heart! What are you waiting for?" Some told me that she was testing me. Some told me to leave her. Some even told me that she was trying to break up with me. The many interpretations confused my mind.
One day, I had the impression that the next day she would leave once and for all. She sent me a message asking me how I was doing. I replid with "good". That was all the communication that happneed during the day. Thus, I decided to make a Good Morning message using pictures and cute little things on my desk that I could send her through the phone. (Please remember that the only means of communication I have with girl H is through the Phone, because we live in different countries. It's up to me to meet her in person.) She replied the next day positively. We didn't have a great conversation but we had one. It was encouraging. I understood, once and for all, that I have to conquer her heart back. Jesus Christ! I am so slow. Now that I think about it, it's such an obvious answer.
I want to state something that I learend while watching those videos. A woman will fall in love with a man if she feels Respect, Admiration, and Attraction towards him. After realizing this, I understood why she wanted to break up with me. By the end of the relationship, I didn't have confidence in myself. I was very inactive towards anything. Always looking for excuses. Always thinking of myself as less. Anyhow, let's continue.
Little by little, we talk more and more. It hasn't gone back to the way things used to be, nonetheless, things are better. What I have understood is that in order to attrach her, I need to include in our conversations things that will create a positive chain reaction in her. She needs to feel good while talking to me. And that's what I have been trying to do so far. I sent her audio messages and pictures of flowers here and there. Things have improved.
On Sunday, we had a deep conversation. She was giving me the speech of "I will remember the best of our relationship. It's over now. I need to let you go". At first, I was shocked. I didn't know how to answer. However, I recalled the simple things that I needed to be confident, no Begging, and Be emotionally strong. I simply sent her a voice message saying that I wanted a future with her and that's what I wanted. I was simple, direct and confident. I even laughed at some point. She argued back saying, "I know there is a better girl out there for you. You should give her a chance. You know that". I replied again with a voice message, "I only know one girl. You are the one I want to be with for the rest of my life". Finally, she did her final argumentation: "I don't love you anymore. You get hopeful that I will love you again but I don't think that will happen". To this I replied with another voice message saying, "I know your feelings will change."
After this, she told me she didn't know what to do. So far, she had been resisiting me. She was praying that I would find someone else. However, after that little debate we had, she said that she would stop praying for that, rather she would pray for the best. She would let God decide what to do. And if the best was to fall in love with me again, then she would accept that.
I had never felt so manly before. So confident in myself. So strong. I gained back the initiative in the relationship. Before we stopped talking, I even requested that she send me a picture of something nearby her, which she did.
So far, I have been able to continue the positive chain reactions in our conversations. It's not always like that though. Like right now, I didn't know how to carry the conversation, and she lost interest. Now I am waiting for her to reply. Again, I am not in the leading position anymore. (I will get it back though. I don't know how yet. But I will.)
Sometimes I also fear that I will be stuck being a friend only. Nonetheless, I will regain my confidence and keep on going. I have understood that I need to be confident in myself. Otherwise, nothing will work. The moments I loose the leading role are the moments when I don't know what to do and I lose my confidence.
After telling you all of this, I would like to ask you 2 questions:
1. How do I keep giving her positive chain reactions in our conversations so that it comes to the point that she starts chasing me? So far, pictures of flowers and conversations about her daily activities and mine have worked. However, I fear, there will come a time that that will be repetitive and boring.
2. How do I get out of the friendzone? I know that everything comes with time. Patience is the key. And becoming better is the definitely antoher key for me. I need to be stronger. Last month, I was weak. Today I am strong. Tomorrow, I will be stronger. However, there has to be a way to get myself out of the friendzone.
Please remember that sometimes, she has anxiety and depression attacks. That our only means of communication is the phone because we live in different countries.
I want to give her a phone call but on Saturday, she refused to answer. Sunday as well. I was thinking on waiting for a month and then giving her a phone call. But, I don't know. I am open to suggestions.
No answers for you , but gosh - Love shouldn’t be this difficult. It all must be so stressful for you.
Yeah dude. I can't give you any advice except that you're on the right track by working on yourself first.
Other than that I would only be repeating my earlier advice that you need to visit her sooner rather than later. Being together will make it alot easier. Especially if you've regained your confidence by then.
The reason I replied was just to say I hope you will keep us informed on what happens. I'm kind of invested now