Reviving my complex long distance romantic relationship (part 3) myself
Hello Everyone. I will continue telling you about this "adventure of mine". I have taken your advice: I have been working more in myself rather than on the "dead" relationship with girl H. My relationship with her hasn't died yet. We still talk everyday. And sometimes, we can even have cute and funny moments. Sometimes, I have done little images for her with a cute message, which she has greatly appreciate it. I wish I could show them to you. I wish I could show them to you. They are pretty cute! This doesn't mean that we are back together. We just have superficial chats so far. The only deep chat she had with me was when she asked me about my family. You see, I have a bad relationship with my family. She wants me to have a good relationship with my family. I feel annoyed at this to be honest. I am very sensitive about family matters. I don't like people getting into it. And I don't mind her. I do mind that the only thing she cares about is my family relationship and not my relationship with her.
Some days ago, I discovered an old animation I had done 5 years ago. It is very funny and charming. That boosted my confidence. I came to admire myself again. Back then, I didn't have a drawing tablet nor a good laptop, yet I had managed to do a small animation. It's ugly. No masterpiece at all. Nonetheless, it reminded me of the man I used to be. I was full of ideas and creativity. I was a leader. My dream was to start an animation studio. I don't know if it was the politics of University that got me too busy to focus on myself. Don't get me wrong! Politics is great. Fighting for the welfare of people is something I am really passionate about. However, I am a very introverted kid. I like to think and think, and sometimes politics doesn't let you think. Let me just say, that I have revived that dream. In fact, I am redoing that small animation. My aim is to get some donations from it. Eventually, I will be able to start that animation studio.
I have gotten myself into some art contests as well. I hope I will win them and get the cash prize. However, I don't think I will win it. I mean, I am an economist. There are graphic designers who have studied 4 years in college who are also participating. Of course, they will win. Nonetheless, I think contests are great. They push me to be a better artist. I especially liked this fast food contest. I drew a bunny eating a vegetarian pizza. It was very cute. My friends said that it was lovely.
I also revived the GO club I have in my faculty. It's not big. I like it nonetheless. I like playing Go. And I have this very cute pin I bought in Japan of 2 cats playing Go. I love suiting up and wearing it.
I also started working out. I hate excercise. I hate the repetition. So my workouts are very light. Still, it's something.
Not everything I have done is great. Some people recommended I should date other girls so that I start getting less attached to Girl H. So I did. I haven't cheated on girl H. I started dating every girl I knew. It wasn't that great to be honest. I did manage to improve my flirting skills. I was even doing cheesy flirting like James Bond! And it worked! ._.) Anyhow. Not all girls accepted going out with me. They thought I wanted a deep relationship and that's not what I wanted. However, it did hurt. Another thing I might add is that there was an incident one time.
I was flirting with a classmate. I don't think she is pretty nor attractive. She is extremely bubbly (trait that I dislike. However, I was in my dating spree. I didn't mind who I flirted with.) Once we were alone, she stared at me intensely. I didn't know how to react. Suddenly, she kissed me passionately and got her hand into my pants. After adrenalined debate inside of me, I pushed her away. I never expected this to happen now did I want it.
After this incident, I stopped flirting with every girl. I realized flirting had consequences. There were some girls who felt angry because I didn't ask them out for a second date. The atmosphere is pretty weird with some friends at Uni. Now, let me explain: I actually like this. I like not-being everyone's friend. This is what I used to be like before University. Once I got myself into Politics, I adopted the mentality that I needed everyone's friendship so they could vote for me if I ever decided to run for the student council. Anyhow, I am happy things are weird. I don't want to be everyone's friend. I have few friends, and I want to spend more time with them.
This brings me to the next event that happened. I study economics. However, unlike the mayority of economy students, I don't want to work at the national bank. It's a great place to work. The pay is great and you receive 16 salaries annually. However, what I am really interested in is Urbanism. In fact, I actually wanted to do a double-mayor: arquitecture-economics. I didn't do the double mayor because I got more involved with politics. Then I started a job...and blah blah blah. Anyhow, I got myself back in track. I like to attend to most of the events that the Arquitecture Faculty holds. A week ago, I went to a forum where some city governors from other countries spoke about city planning and ideology. I loved it. There, I met an PH.D. arquitect. He took a liking in me because of the questions I asked to the speakers. We developed a very unusual friendship.
One year ago, he lost his best friend. The arquitect says that I remind him of his best friend. Because of this, he treats me like his protegé. He pays for everything I do. We have gone to some events together. He likes discussing philosophy and urbanism with me. In fact, we have shared some very unusual and futuristic ideas about city planning. I say it is unsual because he pays for everything I do. I don't know exactly why to be honest. At first, I thought he was gay and he was hitting on me. But then, during a conversation, he stated that he wasn't interested in any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. I felt relieved. However, it is still unsual that he is basically financing my projects, ideas and hobbies.
He is of great help. In fact, with him, I am going to propose an city planning investigation to the Investigation Institute of my University. If the project is accepted, the University will hire me. The pay is great. I will have 15 salaries annually. And best of all, I will get to work on urbanism as an economist which will be the best for when I graduate. I will have work experience already! Overall, if this goes through, it will be the great. I don't think I will study architecture any time soon, but if I can get some knowledge in urbanism before I finish my economy degree, that will be great!
Oh, before I forget! I love biking (bicycle). I met a friend who was as adventurous as I am. Last week, I told him I wanted to explore the cities around our city on bike. He said yes. And we did it. The trip took one whole day and it was amazing and painful. You see, in order to go to the neighbouring cities, you have to go through very steep and high mountains (if you don't use the highway, which we didn't.) I destroyed my body during that trip. However, it was amazing. I learned a lot. I love going through those moutains filled with different kinds of trees. I wish I could show you the videos I took. My friend, he is better than me on the bike. I didn't feel competitive. I am happy I got to do this trip. I will do it again definitely!
Regarding girl H, I have stopped focusing on her as much as I used to. I was thinking about her 24/7. Now, I think about her maybe 1/4 of the day. In fact, I haven't talked to her in 2 days. Maybe it's not the best, but it's good. It's not painful anymore. I am not going to say everything is fine. There have been a couple of nights where I couldn't sleep because of how angry I was. I have learned to let go. When I pray, I ask God for patience for me to do what is best. I still ask God for my relationshp with girl H to start again. But I am not clingy anymore. If it doens't happen, it's fine. When I think of girl H, I tend to think of the negative aspecsts of her. I don't think it is good but that's what is happening. Of course, I want to get back with her. I want her love again. But...I am fine. I fine being with myself and working on myself.
By the way, all of the things that have happened, I have share with girl H. I haven't explicitly told her that I have gone on dates with other girls. I have posted pictures on my status where I am with other girls. Pictures she has seen. I didn't use to do this because she would get jealous. I do it now because I read in some book that when you are sorrounded by other people, people see you as worthy. The days before she decided to leave me for 1 month, I was very weak and vulnerable. She had lost admiration and respect for me. So, I guess it's fine if I post pictures like that.
So, to sum it all up: My chats with girl H have gone steady. I have kind of lost interest in chatting everyday with her. I am working more on myself. I still want my relationshp with her to revive. I am working on ways in which my art will get me the money necessary to pay for the plane tickets to go see her. So, what do you think I should do next? What thoughts do you have on how I am handlings things. Should I really talk to her everyday?
What do you want?
What do I want?
I want her. I want to be her husband and have a family with her. I want a future with girl H.
I don't need her. I want her. Let me explain what I mean.
I think that the past year, I completely lost myself. Being in Politics is great. However, you loose yourself. To be honest, now that I think about it, I wanted to be in politics because I wanted to be a celebrity. Being rejected by girl M made me feel like I wanted to be admired by everyone. Although I forgot completely about girl M, I still wanted to be loved by everyone.
And that's not really what I want in life. I never wanted to be a celebrity. I never wanted to be popular. Even while I was in politics, I hated being popular. I hated being superficial friends with everyone. I hated it when strangers took pictures of me without my consent. I hated that people requested me favours that I couldn't fulfill. Unfortunately, I got lost in politics. It happened just as Soren Kierkegaard said, “The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed.”
I understand why she left me.
Nonetheless, I fell in love with her. I still love her from the bottom of my heart. Because of that, I cannot being just friends with her. I have learned to never settle down for anything less than what I want.
On the other hand, there is a difference between want and need. Need makes us demand. Whereas want, makes us give. For example, the French Revolution: One of the main reasons why it happened was because people NEEDED food. They needed to survive. So what did they do? They took over the government and demanded that a new economic system be established in France. Thus, when you need something, you will demand it, even with the use of violence. However, when you WANT something, you are willing to give and give and give.
And so, my love for her is that of wanting. I don't believe love ceases to exist. I am a full man. When I say that, I mean that I have taken back my path. I know what I want. I know where I want to be. And, I am walking towards it. I have let go of my insecurities. I think I became the man that she initially fell in love with but I am better now. I also regained my innocence. What I mean by that is that I want to give the best of me always regardless if people hurt me or not. I remember that when I was young, I would think of it as being a rubber band because you can stretch it but it comes back. I would pray to God every day that he gave me the strength to become that. And so, I want to give her everything. And I will accept what she will give me. I will not demand. I will not be a jerk or weak anymore. However, I will not be just friends with her. I know what I want.
I always wanted to have a peaceful and meaningful life. It's not that I don't want to struggle. But rather, I simply want to develop my intelligence and my self and the people around me. In economics, the development of the forces of production (knowledge and technology) happen during peace times. And it's the same for human beings. I have found that the meaning I can give to my life is through economics, urbanism, animation, having a bakery, agriculture, love, truth, sincerity...not necessarily through the constant struggle of politics. I am not against being a soldier. It's just that I will be a soldier if war comes. Otherwise, I will be myself.
Now that I read this initial entry, I realize how silly I was. I didn't need to prove or improve my flirting skills. In fact, I even regret I did it. I didn't want to be touched by that girl. I guess it had to happen for me to learn. I would have never known that girls can be so aggressive. At that time, I was weak. I doubted myself. My best friend and I were fighting. The girl that I fell in love broke up with me. They were pillars in my life. Little by little, I had realized how much I had lost myself.
And now I changed. I matured. Of course, I am not perfect. I just know how to walk.
I believe that to WANT someone is the best love there is. It is a love that gives. It is a love that is open. A Patient love. A true Love. A warm love.
And so I don't need her. I want her.
To me, she is the Sun and I do love her. To me, she is definitely the girl I want to be with and spend the rest of my life. She is beautiful. And when I say beautiful, I mean it in Keat's words: "A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing."
Of course, she is not a thing. She is a human being.
Apart from that, I am concerned with where I will do my Master's degree. I want to do a great job at the place I am working at. I want to be a good family member (brother and son). I want to work on my thesis so I can get my Bachelor's degree once already. Although I am thinking on a Master's degree, I want to get out of my university. I will not do my Master's degree in my university nor in my country. I want to travel. And again, I want her. I want to have the opporutnity to conquer her heart. But it will not happen unless she gives me that opportunity. I want to read more books. I want to ride my bike more. I want to continue drawing and connect messages with my drawings. I want to work on my animation. I want to be with my family. I want to recover my friendship with my best friend (it is already happening). I want to make a study of the urbanism in my city. I hope this study allows me to have a scholarship for my Master's degree. I want to open a bakery. I want to give happiness to my bunnies. They always get excited when I am with them. Though I think it is because I bring them food. Anyhow, I am happy they are happy.
As of now, I told girl H that I didn't want to have any contact with her unless she wanted to give us another chance. And that's it. I will continue walking.
I actually wanted to make this answer short. But...oh well....I guess I always have an ocean of thoughts in my mind.
I hope that this answers your question.
HOOO! If you have any comments, suggestions or anything, feel free to tell me.
Are you happy with your current situation?
Keep fighting the good fight. Focus on yourself and your own goals and happiness as you have been. Everything else will follow.
And thanks for reminding me I should read more Søren Kierkegaard.