Why can't I find a decent man?
I was in a friends with benefits for 3 years, which suited me at the time, but i ended it in February as i wanted a proper relationship. I joined a Online Dating site and within a couple of days, Bob messaged me. He seemed very nice and genuine, and after a week we spoke on the phone. He's a nurse, with a 15 year old son who lives with him.He was very full on and 2 weeks after first contact, we met. He talked a lot and we seemed to get on, so we met again 2 days later, he told me the life story of his son's mother and talked non stop for hours!i thought it was early days and it would get better! 2 days later i went to his house, he lives an 1 hour away,we had sex, although not particularly good i thought it would improve, despite his smallness! He would call me everyday to tell me about HIS news!He then said he noticed i was a few pounds overweight and was obese, i'm uk size 14!The following week he came to my flat, we stayed in, where again he talked at me!Again we had sex, the next morning he went quiet on me and then text me to ask if i was pregnant, i'm 56 and post menopause, i couldn't believe it from a nurse.So i finished with him, he didn't like this and said he would contact me in 5 days to talk. We talked and decided to give things another go, but i needed to support him etc. He has 4 houses and the wall fell down on one of them and he had problems with his son, he constantly moaned about his shit life!We didn't see each other for 4 weeks, then i went to his house on Thurs, met his son and went for a curry.He told me again about his son's mum's life again, despite me trying to change the subject several times, this went on for an hour. Eventually i asked him why he was obsessed with his ex and that i didn't to know about it again, i don't discuss my exes! he said he wasn't and that i didn't know him at all and we weren't getting on and did i want to leave? we went outside and he told me he'd had enough of my temper as this was the second time, i suggested we talk things over but he said no, and that he could tell by my face i wasn't happy! if i'd lost my temper i would have walked away and not spoken to him! I'm at a loss, in a text yesterday he mentioned my quick temper and how shit his life was!He has his health, job, money and family and 4 houses!i did point this out to him in my reply and have not heard from him since!Why am i so upset and feel a complete failure, i tried so hard with him!I dressed the way he liked, listened to him, even tried to lose weight, yet part of me thinks i'm well rid of him and i would have been so miserable?
Thank u, it was not even about their relationship, but her relationship with her ex husband!he's been in contact and says that I'm in a bad place, I'm really not! I think I was upset because the honeymoon period was over so quick and I've never got on so badly with someone at the beginning of a relationship, we just didn't click!now I think I've had a lucky escape and could see why every woman had dumped or left him for someone else!
Maybe this isn't about you, but about your ex. There is nothing wrong with this, she gets what she wants, you'll eventually find what you want.
he's been in contact again, to say if i was interested in swinging or dogging then he would be happy to explore this with me!I couldn't believe it, i was shocked and disgusted,i want sex in a loving relationship! i immediately rang him, and he was left in no doubt how angry i was, i wouldn't let him speak !!!!i followed up with texts telling him exactly how i felt about him!
I'm sorry for my last post, I think I was drunk, tired or glazed over things when I responded last time.
Judging by this new information, apparently you had this guy pegged pretty well by the time you wrote this thread. Especially in regards to the final sentence - you are relieved to be rid of him and would have felt miserable.
But let's look at the big question of this thread, "Why can't (you) find a decent man?"
Well for starters at some point someone who appreciates you will make it known. They could vent to you about their crappy day and cry on your shoulder about their ex wife for an hour, but as long as they tell you how much they appreciated you being there for them and make an effort to do the same and listen to you, it's fine. If they are just dumping on you and seem completely self-absorbed and show no signs of appreciation, you are being used.
You are also going to encounter a lot of difficulty finding a decent partner through online dating. It is a useful tool for meeting people, but it is not the equivalent of real life and carries many limitations. Text cuts a lot of context, personality and excitement out of conversations. People can hide behind the Internet and not have to face up to consequences of any kind. You can package and ala carte options to your heart's content, omit potential partners based off of qualities you dislike about them, and become too particular over peoples' flaws - and everybody has flaws. The difference is that in person people don't always hide flaws behind the best selfies they've got and everyone is on a more even playing field because you're more likely to give someone a chance to get to know them over time and find out all of the great things they may have to offer.
I don't know if it says anything that your last relationship was a FWB and this guy alluded to more open sexual relations, like maybe people are making certain assumptions about you or maybe you aren't being thorough enough with screening guys before taking the next step and dating. But know that it is difficult to meet the right kind of person for you, and takes time, effort and a lot of luck.
Make sure that you are pursuing improving yourself and being content with your life and addressing your own feelings of failure. As you become more whole, you will gradually meet people who are a better match for you.
Thank you you are absolutely right, online dating is not for me, if i'd have met him, then i would have realised straightaway there was no future, but because we spoke and text, it enabled a false picture to emerge. I need to increase my social life, take up hobbies etc. I always said to him that i was looking for a serious relationship, as i found FWB empty and unfilling, but then i had sex on our third date, so i should have waited. i need to value myself both mentally and physically