How can I land my next date / girlfriend?
Hey Peoplesproblems, it's that time again where I ask for more input.
So throughout this year I've continued to try to meet women and go on dates, with still not a whole lot of luck. I've been mostly attempting this through online dating, even though I would much prefer to meet someone in person but can't figure out how to. Most recently I talked to a handful of women one right after the other, being fortunate enough to find new people to talk to each time shortly after the last one stopped talking to me. In the last month and a half or so alone, there were 3 new women I carried on conversations with for varying lengths of time before things reached a halt.
Each was different, but they were all into geeky things like me. They seemed like reasonable matches. But they each failed.
Prior to that I had two flings with women that didn't seem all there, and attempted another fling but was stood up and the person ignored me and left. It's highly irritating because in the midst of the recent attempts to meet women I also reconnected with some old work acquaintances, and hung out with one on his birthday because I know what it's like to be without friends when you need one. As a result I had this older gay male acquaintance take things entirely the wrong way and disclose interest in me, which really bothered me enough to cut off friendship with him because I am straight and have low self-esteem, and the last thing I really needed yet was to have the exact opposite gender display interest in me than my intended targets.
Maybe part of the reason why I am failing to meet women is because I am not stylish. I wear t shirts and pants, and shoes that I find comfortable but other people find repulsive for some reason. I don't follow fads and trends, I pretty much dress and comb my hair how I find normal. And I think this makes me seem less interesting and exciting to women. I am also a shy introvert and it takes me a lot of courage to open up to people and start conversations with them in public. Earlier this year I gave my phone number to a coworker who I was interested in but never heard back from her.
The latest girl from the dating website choosing not to pursue things further with me hurt the worst. We talked for a little over a week and things seemed to be headed in the direction of a date. We exchanged phone numbers and even talked on the phone one evening. But a few days ago she just came out of nowhere and said she didn't think things would work with me. This woman was close to me in age, and was serious about her job. She wanted something serious. And yet she still felt like we weren't compatible and had different personalities. I never even got to meet her.
Like I said, her and the two previous girls all liked geeky things, so I thought we could kind of relate alright. We should have been able to relate. But we still didn't. First girl liked rock music and was in a rock band (I am a big fan of rock music), and liked comics and played a trading card game I want to play. Second girl goes to a local comic book store and plays board games with her friends. Third girl is a Star Trek nerd and goes to renaissance fairs every Summer for a second job. I don't know how in the world I am still so far away from dating girls who I should have more in common with than a lot of people.
Last girl gave me several reasons for why things don't work. She said our personalities don't mesh. That I give her a bad vibe. That I have a poor approach. That she feels like I am rushing things. And that she feels pressure from me to be responsible for my happiness. I'll give her the last two points, but the fact of the matter is I've spent a lot of time alone over the years and I would really like to have a loving partner or a regular fling. It seems that everyone else gets to have those things in their normal lives, even worse men, but not me for some reason. I feel like my approach has been good because I really put a lot into these conversations and it is very draining. I try to keep things natural, but also you have to be interesting and separate yourself from the tons of other options they have. You have to give your 110% to show women why they should choose YOU.
What's more is that when they decide you're not right for them... That's it, conversation's over, and you don't really get to keep them as friends. The last girl even said about introducing me to her friends because I don't have many, but that feels like a really empty promise in retrospect. It sucks being stuck in this cycle.
And I don't want to repeat it.
Lo and behold, last night another new girl began talking to me. This one seems more interested in talking to me than many others have lately, and I am cautiously optimistic. But I don't want a repeat of what's been happening yet again. I've been slower to respond to this girl because I'm a little worn down from talking to so many different girls now over April, and I don't want to put in all of this effort covering the same subjects yet again just to wind up still alone.
I'm trying to use my advice from the last girl so that I don't screw things up with the next one. But how can I ensure that I land a date again? What should I do and what should I try to avoid doing?
I am using online to meet people only. The problem is women rarely seem to want to move beyond messaging.
With this last girl, she was attending college and always said she was busy with homework after getting out of work. I don't know why she couldn't make time to hang out one of those nights, maybe she used it as an excuse.
I am usually the one trying to get the girl to meet up for coffee or to go for a walk at the park, or to do something at some place. Last girl wouldn't drink caffeine past 2PM, and wouldn't leave the house after putting on pjs for the night.
I have good hygiene. I'm just basic. And you'd think women would be okay with someone being comfortable with who they are - after all this body-positivity stuff teaches women that they can be comfortable being themselves and not some ideal. Funny how that doesn't work both ways.
I realize I was still sounding kind of rude and biased when I responded yesterday. I apologize for that, I know there's no reason for me to make things so personal.
I guess a little update is in order. Last night I contacted the last girl, and I'm trying to keep her as a friend. She wasn't really able to discuss it yet, but maybe she can at a time when she is less busy.
That girl seemed like a rare person to me, I feel like I've got to do what I can to not lose contact with her. It might be tough to avoid irritating her, but maybe that is something I need to improve about myself.
You sound like you're in a similar mindset that I've been in before at times. So I feel comfortable in answering your question with a question.
What else about your life are you not happy with apart from your relationship status?
If you were able to answer that question then try working on those things. If you're lucky some might even be easy to fix. Start with those.
Finding love when you're not looking for it a cliché for a reason. There's psychological reasons behind it.
Sounds like women may be sensing some desperation in your approach and you've even agreed on it.
Sounds like too much work? Ok then, it's actually possible to trick yourself into being more confident and happy (try looking it up). I wouldn't recommend it as your entire solution but it might be an easy place to start for you.
Things have pretty much concluded with the woman I had been talking to, as well as the other one I had sort of began talking to for a week there. I don't want to rule out online dating entirely yet because maybe someone genuine will use the service over Summer. But that was a pretty big crushing blow to my situation.
I didn't like how she ruled me out so quickly, and was unwilling to get to know me better in person. I also didn't like how she turned the possibility of us remaining friends into something that she "had to decide on", and made it so that if I tried to contact her she would just act all irritated. She is the one who joined a dating website - if she didn't have time between work and school why did she bother? My thinking was that if I made one last play to show my interest in getting to know her, she would be impressed by my determination and directness and give me one more shot. She didn't, but either way at least that's over and now I can put her behind me.
This other girl just kind of fizzled out like the rest. I tried making conversation about stuff she said she was interested in and she descended into the typical uninterested 'short answer' responses, and that is pretty much that.
Look, I get that I can't be dependent on someone else for happiness. But I've been making a real effort to try to strike up all of these conversations over the past nearly 4 years, and put on the face of optimism as much as I can. When I'm just rejected and things aren't reciprocated time after time, that does have an impact. But I haven't given up yet, I still try to look at someone and see them for what they could be rather than focusing on reasons they are out of my league.
I am reaching the conclusion that I might not be able to meet anyone here in this area, though. I don't think anyone here is serious enough or willing to actually try getting to know anyone else. I am feeling that all of the women in this entire state are this way. And that's a shame, but that's just how they are. Maybe that is how everyone everywhere is now.
I don't really understand this mindset most people seem to have where they sense a person is lonely, so they just avoid them and think that all they will ever be is a lonely person. Well I wonder why they are lonely in the first place? Maybe because nobody is dating them??? Lol. I don't mean for that to sound cringey, but it's true. I mean usually the people who are overly happy are happy because they have tons of friends and women in their life already. I've made real effort to stay in touch with my friends for several years, but only one of them does. The rest of them are all just in their own little worlds.
The disappointing thing is that I am probably going to have to give up my job, my friend I do have, and any sense of independence I did manage to maintain for the last couple of years because I haven't been able to meet anyone here. I didn't want to be stuck in a dead town with nowhere to go and very little diversity, I didn't want to have few options for work and less tolerance. But I guess all I have ever been able to have in this life is my family, so I should at least be closer to them if the rest of my life is just never going to improve.