When you allowed yourself to be the victim but people just see ugly things
PIXIE7519 - May 3 2019 at 06:36
My problem where to begin I have alot of childhood trauma and I never got away from putting myself in a victim stance and so anything I did trying to stick up for myself just went haywire I would go way passed sticking up for myself I had to hurt the other person and I am old I have made everyone I know dislike something about me and I talk to much because its a nervous tick at this point I was told no one liked me everyone hates me because of the fact that I spoke too much I was 5 or younger it only made it way worse because then I thought well if I explain. Why I am saying this they wont hate me it spiralled out of control now im in a toxic freindship with my abuser at least the one who started this and I cant get out I need help he enables me but wont give me any money to help become independent but tells me we need to go our seperate ways im scared If he dies I have nowhere to go. I need help.
I had to break down and reformat your message a little bit. But I'll try to respond to each main idea.
"Where to begin... My problem is I have a lot of childhood trauma and I never got away from putting myself in a victim stance, so anything I did trying to stick up for myself just went haywire I would go way past sticking up for myself and hurt the other person."
Thus continuing the cycle. If you are in a situation where you feel like a victim, and your reaction is to become the instigator, then you will quickly lose any sympathy or understanding others may have had for you. You have to think more about how you treat others, and not just about yourself.
"I am older now. I have made everyone I know dislike something about me. I talk too much, because I have a nervous tick. I was told no one liked me, everyone hates me, because of the fact that I spoke too much I was 5 or younger. It only made it way worse because then I thought, "Well, maybe if I explain why I am saying this, they wont hate me?", and it spiraled out of control."
It's hard to know what you mean by talk too much without really seeing it in action. But typically people won't dislike you simply because of how much or how little you talk. Usually that kind of quick-to-irritate, low threshold for minor annoyance gets left behind at grade school for most people. I would say it's more about what you are saying, who you are saying it to, and whether your talking interferes with what you're doing or the other person is doing.
"Now I'm in a toxic friendship with my abuser, at least the one who started this. And I can't get out. I need help. He enables me, but won't give me any money to help me become independent. He tells me we need to go our separate ways, and I'm scared If he dies I'll have nowhere else to go. I need help."
What you say you need to become independent and being independent are conflicting things. If you need to ask someone for money to become independent, that is not being independent. If you feel like you need this friend so you have someplace to go, that is not being independent.
Everyone needs healthy relationships and occasional friendly small talk, and sometimes you need help out of a bind. But being independent means being content with your life, working, and paying bills and making enough money to afford the necessities you need for yourself.
I don't know your situation, and I'm not going to judge you. But my first instinct is that you stay in this victim role because it gives you an excuse to not have to work on making positive changes in your life. You stay with this person who may or may not be toxic, because it has been easier for you than trying to find your own way.
My advice? Look for that other way. The longer you put off learning, the longer it will take to accomplish it.