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I feel hurt that I hurt him

Posted by
TIVAROUS
on May 6 2019 at 08:46
Member since: 06 May 2019
Relationship advice Female coworker (Ashley) invited me and a few other (female) coworkers to go downtown to a bar one night. A girls night out

As my Fiancee (Tj) is the only one to watch our kids I asked if he'd be okay with it. Since I work till 5 and we would be going at 8 and staying till 11.

Didn't want to overwhelm him.

Day comes, Ashley's car is acting funny and wants me to follow her to pick up her kids in case something happens. And after that we'd go to her house and get all dolled up for the bar.

Explained it to Tj who was confused as to why I'm going earlier. And then I left.

So I let Ashley color my hair and apply makeup and lipstick and she says I should wear something country since it's country night. She picks out a dress that almost reaches my ankles, the only doing showing is my shoulders which are covered by a shall, and just a tiny bit of cleavage...not alot. But the shall kind of covers it. I send the end result to Tj through messenger.

Now. Normally i never wear makeup, lipstick, a dress or drink or dance in front of people. But I wanted to go outside my comfort zone...at least once.

So we take Ashley's other car (her husband had it). To go pick up another girl and go to bar. It's 8:30 by this time.

So I decide to have my first drink ever in my life (I'm 32). Just one. And us girls dance the night away with each other.

I get a message later from Tj asking if I'm having fun. I tell him yes and then he proceeds to say 'well tell your boyfriendi said hi' I told him he's silly thinking he's joking. 'silly? Why else would you get all dressed up? You want guys to notice you're there'

I explain that's not what this is and I'm just wanting to have fun.

Fun instantly gone. Now I want to go home and I say as much. But the others just realized we forgot to pick up another person and want to wait for them. Which is when I tell them why I want to go.

Ashley let's me drive her car home (it's 11pm)

I'm faithful, we've been together almost nine years (may 20). He's mad that I got dressed up but not for him. And I wanted to go out but not with my family.

Help

I feel hurt that I hurt him
Reply from
ALTREAL
on May 6 2019 at 10:22
Member since: 20 August 2015
It's understandable that you just went along to have fun with the girls. Maybe you've never really gotten to do something like that before and thought it would be fun to hang out with your friends in a different kind of environment.

Of course I understand why your fiancé was upset, and why you then were. You weren't even looking at it that way, you dressed up to feel good about how you looked and to enjoy country night with your friends. But I can understand why a significant other could become concerned or jealous. Maybe it wouldn't have bothered him so much if you were hanging out at a friend's place. But then, you should be able to go out and have fun in public just like a group of men can.

Drinking can change people - of course with one drink you were likely fine, but after a few you would lose a lot of inhibitions. Being at a bar setting, you are likely to run into people who have the wrong idea about why you are there. Was everybody in your group drinking, or did a couple of friends stay sober to keep an eye on the group? Seeing that alcohol and bars are something you are not very familiar with, you do want to be cautious. At least you weren't there alone, and there was a whole group of you.

I'm sorry for how it turned out. You started off really enjoying yourself, and wound up feeling like you did something wrong and overstepped some boundaries. Judging from this post, you took your fiancé's feelings very seriously and didn't keep doing what he wouldn't have been okay with. But it sounds like you were clear on what your intentions always were, and never had cheating on your mind.

You might also feel like, if you went out with just your fiancé, that you might not be able to enjoy dressing up as much. Maybe he still wouldn't be okay with you going out in public like that, or maybe you just wouldn't feel the same about dressing up to go out alone or with other women like you do dressing to go out with your partner. Try dressing up for your partner sometimes and see how he reacts.

You should have a talk with your husband-to-be and explain your side of things, how this wasn't for other men but for yourself and your own self-esteem. You should be able to go out and have fun with your friends, just as your husband should be able to. You weren't leading men on, you just wanted to feel pretty and have fun with your friends. We all should be able to have healthy friendships outside of our relationships, and having time to yourself is good now and then. Make sure your husband realizes this. It seems like you do.

I feel hurt that I hurt him
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on May 6 2019 at 13:39
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your fiancé was threatened by your “other self.” He’s more frightened than anything else.

You seem to enjoy the new you. Can you bring it into your relationship at home? (Makeup and dressing up)

Discuss this with him. If he wants you at home and sheltered, and you feel that is stifling, then you need to come to some kind of agreement about you getting your needs met, too. Seek professional help to make sure you both are moving forward together at the same speed.

I feel hurt that I hurt him
Reply from
TIVAROUS
on May 6 2019 at 16:22
Member since: 06 May 2019
Only wanted to do it once. I don't feel sheltered. And I have tried explaining. I said that I wanted to go outside my comfort zone. I told him no one else was dancing with us and no guys came over.

I told him if he didn't like what I was wearing you should have seen what everyone else I was with was wearing. He's like 'it is a fact that the only reason girls wear makeup is for other guys to notice them.'

Repeat repeat repeat.

One night turned my whole life upside down.

I feel hurt that I hurt him
Reply from
TIVAROUS
on May 6 2019 at 21:52
Member since: 06 May 2019
Altreal. In reply to your question I was going to be designated driver. Just one drink while everyone else downed like 5 or 6
I feel hurt that I hurt him
Reply from
ALTREAL
on May 7 2019 at 11:56
Member since: 20 August 2015
Tivarous, are you and your fiance still fighting over that night?

Well even I understand that women like to wear make-up for a multitude of reasons. People in general want to like how they look, and it can be a confidence boost when they go all out. And women like dressing up and changing their appearance - it's part of the fun of being a woman, I guess.

I think the concept of companionship is one that is still difficult to describe the specifics of. And part of that is because couples are meant to determine what their arrangement means to them. Your fiance is marrying you, and you are okay with what you did. If he is bothered by that, maybe he needs to get to know you a little more deeply and make sure that you're both still compatible.

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