Am I married at home and "married" at work?
I have been married since 1995. I don't have very many friends, as the only one I had since we were 21 was the so-called 'best mate' who waited until 2004 to bed my wife claiming his own marriage was in trouble. The four of us had been friends for years until 2005 when the thing broke.However, the coward went back to his own wife (money reasons). I stuck by my wife and we had a daughter in 2007, but she never apologised and said it was my fault she had the affair. Things have never been perfect since and my wife has developed severe OCD issues which she knows aggravate me.
I met my "wife at work" ("B"
in 2004 when I started at a financial services firm. She was a youngish team leader of my section. One day at work our eyes just 'met' and we kept on like this for about an hour. Gradually something developed between us although nothing happened. She was engaged, and he worked for the firm at another office. But, she gave the impression she wasn't impressed with him on a number of occasions, often in front of me. She left for a better job. At her leaving party someone asked her what her ideal man was like, because she was definitely not impressed by her fiancee's attitude toward her. Her reply described me physically and in my behaviour toward her. My team were staggered, especially as I had just joined the conversation. Her fiancee arrived to pick her up and I felt empty, more than I thought I would ever feel.
I carried on with the firm until 2009, before leaving for a career break (joining a retail firm). My daughter required extra help so I was at home. Then, one day in 2011 "B" turned up at the store whilst I was doing promotions work. We chatted. She invited me to join Facebook. I saw her again once more in store before I landed an office job in 2016.
In Dec 2017 I got back into Financial Services. On my first day "B"s husband (the former fiancee) bumped into me. There was a surprised hello and he quickly told me "B" was there too. Soon the three of us we were colleagues and friends. However I noticed one of his female team mates was very friendly with him. "B" seemed to notice too. In October 2018 "B"s husband told me he was leaving for another firm, but the job was project work and not guaranteed permanent. Apparently "B" was furious. At his leaving party "B" turned up and ended up spending most of her time sitting with me, buying me drinks. It was only the final half hour of the night that he managed to get involved with us, but "B"s body language suggested she was happier being with me. At one point she took my phone and studied my photos, confirming who was my wife and being impressed by our long relationship (30 years). I didn't tell her about my wife's little adventures.
For my Birthday, she bought me a special card that I knew only she would have sent. At the firm's Christmas party she asked me to take a guest off her hands so she could talk to a senior executive. Recently, we have talked a lot in the office, but we have very limited lunch times, and she has to go off and look after her 2 children every day. But there's always the nods, the chats here and there, and even the odd email (she works in a completely different team to me, and has recently been made a Director). I am part of a committee that organises social and sports events within the firm. During a recent meeting it was noted "B" was going to become part of the set-up as her team wanted to be more involved. I was a bit surprised. I met up with her today, and she informed me that she wanted her team to be more involved. Basically I think she was referring to herself. This will mean even more direct contact between us.
What exactly is your question?
Do you have a problem? If so: what do you want to know? How can we help?
Hello. It's something I'd like views on. "B" is, I believe a Catholic, and getting married to have children was a must for her. However, I think her mindset changed and having children has caused issues at home. I know her husband is younger than her and is a charming, witty man, who can hold his own in mixed company, and is a flirt who has one or two female admirers. "B" is a bit opposite and I understand that and respect that, plus she's the only woman in our office that I make an effort with, and there's a few attractive women who work there. It's just she is the only woman I tend to see.
Please be more clear. Are you telling us that you have feelings for B and those feelings are making you guilty because you feel as though you have two wives, the one at home and B.
We can only help you if you mention what the problem is.
I have just seen your old thread where you talked about being friends snd hsving feelings for B.
What i can say is that being married does not mean you won't meet someone else who you will have strong chemistry with. It's obvious you and B have Strong chemistry that have lasted years.its possible theres even some love involved. Bit is it worth losing your marriage over.
If you're unhappy in your marriage and have tried but failed to work out your problems then its probably a good idea to leave. But don't leave your marriage because you think you can end up with B. That's a wrong reason for divorce.
Worse still, don't have an affair with B no matter how good and happy she makes you feel. Accept you're attracted to her and that its normal.Then let those feelings go. Put your family first and work on your marriage.
Finally ask yourself this, if it was your wife having the same feelings you're experiencing for another man, how would that make you feel.
I still don't understand the problem.
Maybe I'm being thick
What do you want exactly?
An update. I recently was seconded to our firm's other office. "B" was excited for me and we still email each other. She was made a Director of the Firm in the Spring. Trying to phone her is impossible. We shared a few emails, but her profile on social media has been a bit quiet. Indeed I got the impression things have got on top of her a bit. She has been very busy recently completing a special project. I've been busy too, working and organising Golf Days.
Then, quite recently, there have been rumours that the firm might relocate some people because of an issue with her office premises, and her boss, Debbie, is coming over to our office more often as her responsibilities increase. Debbie and I get on quite well.
This Friday just gone at 4.30pm, as I am due to go on holiday, I simply mailed her;
"Hi. I know you're really busy. Liked your piece on the intranet. If you come over on business, I'm on leave so we'll have to have that coffee together when I return"
She simply replied,at 4.40pm,
"I'm on leave too now. Catch up soon."
There was no "Kind Regards" or some such. I didn't bother with my Outlook official signature, neither did she, just what we call each other. I felt slightly content with myself, a bit quiet. I haven't made a fuss about anything since.
She wants to come over to spend some time with me(in fact she has said this in an email), but her home life and her status within the firm make it difficult.
Someone in this thread suggested there is some love in our situation, and I am sure we have feelings for each other. My wife is actually very understanding and sometimes asks how she is, simply because she knows me inside out. I would never make demands of "B" because her children rely on her and they come first. My daughter and I are similar.
I wrote these notes because I'm sure someone out there must have had similar experiences, and knows what it feels like. I remember reading about Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, the actors, who had a platonic love for each other over many years, and I am sure this is what we are involved in.
Tracy and Hepburn mutually used each other for a “cover” for their activities, since the studios would tolerate affairs, but not gay or bi behavior from the stars.
This “work wife” is basically using you, too.
There’s no there, there.
Don’t count on anything from “B” outside of work. She moves you where you do her the best for her.
Find out what’s missing in your marriage, and fix it or leave it.