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We‘ve stopped having sex

Posted by
LILY123
on Jun 6 2019 at 07:48
Member since: 06 June 2019
Relationship advice Hi guys!

I’ll start directly. I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend in a month. I’ve already tried initiating intimacy while we were at his place but he told me that he was too tired, stressed at work and didn’t want to have sex. After a couple of days I talked to him about the issue calmly. He told me that there is actually another reason for the lack of sex which he doesn’t want to tell me about. The only thing he let me know was that the issue is psychological and that it is something unrelated to me (it was something personal). He also said that he wants to fight with the issue alone. Without me.

1. I would really like to help him but he doesn‘t let me.

2. Lack of sex affects me as a woman. I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t want me anymore. I believe when there is an issue which affects me I should at least know what‘s going on...

2. I am not sure if there is a real psychological reason behind the lack of sex. He‘s going to work, going out with friends, Laughing. He seems alright.

What should I do? I would really appreciate your help! Thanks in advance!

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY31
on Jun 6 2019 at 13:47
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hey,

Hmm it could be psychological, people are very good at putting on a brave face and distracting themselves with friends. Is he an anxious person? Or depressed?

Leaving you in the dark is not going to help though. You said above it’s affecting you. It’s unfair of him to be really vague and leave you to spiral.

I think it’s important to let him know how your feeling and how it’s also affecting you. Some reassurance would be good.

He may want to fight this on his own but is he helping himself? he might need some professional help depending on what it is.

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY123
on Jun 6 2019 at 16:14
Member since: 06 June 2019
Hey,

I really appreciate your response. I think that your advice is really helpful. I’ll try talking to him again as soon as I find a possibility. But what if he refuses to tell me the reason once again? :(

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY31
on Jun 6 2019 at 18:58
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hey,

I’m hoping he does tell you ...Once you’ve told him how you feel and how much it’s affecting you. I’d hope it wouldn’t make him see that he can’t keep us kind of thing from you. Your in a relationship with him you need to have some idea and like I said reassurance. And that he’s being sensible and realistic. Maybe plan what your going to say to him. You know now, he’s partly told you, he just needs to tell you the rest!

To fight a psychological on your own (I can only guess) would be really hard, lots of people need help, and it sounds more like he’s pushing people away to stop them from helping him.

If this whole thing really is to do with you then he should be honest with you and tell you. And you can say that to him.

I think if he was cheating he’d probably be enjoying best of both worlds.

Try not to dwell too much in the ‘what if’s’. Which ever way it goes, you can always come back and update this thread if you want to :-)

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY123
on Jun 9 2019 at 22:20
Member since: 06 June 2019
Hi again!

My boyfriend initiated a talk about the problem. He said that the actual reason we‘ve stopped having sex is that at some point he felt me more as a friend and didn’t want to lose me as a buddy by hurting me if we had sex (cause sex involves strong feelings).

After this period of time he feels sure that our connection is not based only on friendship and wanted to have sex with me directly after the talk. I refused cause I want to recover from the negative feelings and being unwanted during this period but I find it hard to be in the mood after he kissed me a couple of times... I can’t stop thinking about him rejecting me. I told him that I want some time to deal with all that and that I need to feel really wanted by him again. I feel like I‘m dealing with some kind of a trauma here. I‘m not sure how to get over it and have a normal sex life with my boyfriend once again. Can you please advise me on that?

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY123
on Jun 9 2019 at 22:29
Member since: 06 June 2019
Hi again!

My boyfriend initiated a talk about the problem. He said that the actual reason we‘ve stopped having sex is that at some point he felt me more as a friend and didn’t want to lose me as a buddy by hurting me if we had sex (cause sex involves strong feelings).

After this period of time he feels sure that our connection is not based only on friendship and wanted to have sex with me directly after the talk. I refused cause I want to recover from the negative feelings and being unwanted during this period but I find it hard to be in the mood after he kissed me a couple of times... I can’t stop thinking about him rejecting me. I told him that I want some time to deal with all that and that I need to feel really wanted by him again. I feel like I‘m dealing with some kind of a trauma here. I‘m not sure how to get over it and have a normal sex life with my boyfriend once again. Can you please advise me on that?

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY31
on Jun 9 2019 at 23:33
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hi,

I don’t blame for how you’re feeling, that must of been quite hard to hear and hurtful.

l think your instincts were right. he not been truthful about this ‘physiological issue’ that he’s wants to fight alone. How can he fight it alone when it’s to do with you ?

And ‘doesn’t want to loose you as a buddy’ kinda says it all to me. Has he only ever seen you as just a good friend then? (With benefits)

no, he can’t tell you this and then say there’s a more then friends connection and expect to have sex with you straight after because he feels guilty or whatever. He needs to learn how to be honest and it’s his own fault, he's let it get this far, now to the point where you can no longer trust how he feels about you.

I think you’re doing the right thing by taking some space and time to think about what you want. Take your time too.

I think I read another thread from you about him very close relationship with his mum? I didn’t reply coz some else did :-)

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY123
on Jun 10 2019 at 06:32
Member since: 06 June 2019
Hi,

Thank you for the encouragement to take my time and space! I will surely do it. And thank you also for the help, I find it much easier to deal with the issue after talking to you! You are great!

Yes, the thread about the very close relationship with his mother was also mine but I think that I didn‘t get a deep enough answer on it :-) (A)

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY31
on Jun 10 2019 at 10:06
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hey

I will re read again because think this could all link together :-)

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY123
on Jun 10 2019 at 17:44
Member since: 06 June 2019
Hey,

You are right! There could be a link between these things! I will wait for your response :-) (A)

We‘ve stopped having sex
Reply from
LILY31
on Jun 10 2019 at 19:16
Member since: 08 September 2016
I replied to the other thread but this was my reply...let stuck to this thread.

Hey,

It’s ok to have a good relationship with parents but it sounds like this is a particularly close one... maybe there are reasons for this if it’s always been just them. she could be quite controlling or demanding too? And it sounds like he can’t say no to her. He’s convinced himself this is a normal mum son relationship and no one is going to change his mind. It’s not. I agree you will always be second best.

Yeah, If all his expenses are paid to go on holiday with her of course he’ll go.

I don’t think he’s there with you emotionally anymore (sorry) and he is quite clearly showing you. I think it’s become more of a friendship, do you agree? He’s not treating you like a gf. It’s becoming more and more clear with the less he wants to do and the more time he spends on his xbox ( ugh, my ex bf did this too all the time, really annoying and rude!). he doesn’t want to properly admit it. Just like he doesn't want to say no to his mum.

If think if you know you are not happy anymore, not sleeping, constantly thinking about this and you know you are just pretending all the time, then that really does say something and something needs to change. It’s because you self esteem has taken a battering and you don’t feel wanted by him. I’d consider moving on coz you don’t want to be feeling like this in x amount of years time. You need to recover from this, get your self esteem back and then move on. Easier said then done but I think you will look back and see a difference. :-)

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