Unhealthy relationship or normal?
Hi guys, just need some advice on what to do about my boyfriends male co worker. My boyfriend has been working in a warehouse for a few years now, its a relatively small warehouse and he has about 5 co workers around him of which he tends to associate with on a day to day basis.
A couple of years ago a new guy joined, he seemed just your average guy you know... friendly, little bit shy but still spoke with the group and got on with his work. It wasn't until about a year ago he started privately messaging my boyfriend on Facebook, at first it was just general chit chat about work and venting out after a long day however i must state that it was every day that they would exchange messages, my boyfriends co worker (i'll refer to him as just 'C' from now on for ease) would literally get home from spending a days work with my boyfriend and message him right away. After many months of talking like this he then started taking things a little bit deeper than your average co worker conversations.
'C' struggles with depression. That is something i can sympathise with as i myself have struggled with mental health in the past and know how bad of a place it can take you to. My partner is a kind person and was there through all of 'C's troubles, he offered help and guidance when 'C' had nobody else to turn to, he suggested he go to doctors and maybe take some counselling to help him out of the dark place he was in, which 'C' did. 'C' is also gay, he came out to my boyfriend during his dark times and expressed every feeling he had (he doesn't want to be gay). My boyfriend again supported him and assured him there is nothing wrong with being gay and he again suggested talking to his counsellor about it. Amongst all the deep talks 'C' happened to mention he had bought 2 tickets to go see his favourite DJ (abroad) he had booked a hotel room for the night at this specific venue and asked my boyfriend if he would like to join him. My boyfriend kindly declined his offer since in his mind they are only co workers to which 'C' wasn't greatly happy about but got over it.
A few weeks later and the conversations are still happening every day, now they talk over xbox on the mic too. 'C' asks my boyfriend to go on xbox because he needs him, and gets into 'depressed' state whenever my boyfriend says hes busy. At this point 'C' has also threatened to take his life a couple of times due to the fact that he doesn't want to be gay etc. one night he told my boyfriend he had enough and was done with being him and suggested he was going to kill himself, i told my boyfriend to phone him. 'C' didn't answer. Early hours of the next morning my boyfriend had a message on facebook from 'C' stating that he was stood on top of a bridge waiting to jump and that my boyfriends phone call stopped him from jumping. Alarm bells started ringing in my head and this is where i started to dislike 'C'.
Since then 'C' has continued to have his ups and downs with his mental health and my boyfriend has continued to be kind to him for the sake that he has to be along side him at work and also because he is just a caring person and doesn't want to make 'C' feel any worse by telling him to back off a bit. He still constantly talks to my boyfriend and gets irritated when my boyfriend doesn't reply within 'X' amount of time, he sees 'xbox night' as 'their night' and again gets all funny if my boyfriend says he isn't on xbox that night and reverts to comments like 'i needed you on xbox tonight' - I must just add in that my boyfriend and I live in our own home together and have a child together, we have been together 6 years so he doesn't always have time to spend on xbox, hes not just not going on for the sake of it-
'C' also has a thing about questions, he wants my boyfriend to ask him questions all the time and again gets annoyed if he doesnt! my boyfriend has tried to explain to 'c' many of times, how is he supposed to know what questions 'C' wants to be asked? we just dont get it. one evening 'C' sent a huge long lists of questions he wants to be asked and also wants to ask my boyfriend. I cant tell you all of these as we would be here all day but the one main question that really stuck with me and made me feel sick was he asked my boyfriend what his P*N*S size was!? my boyfriend told 'C' this was unacceptable and 'C' just made out he was joking (he definitely wasn't as the other questions were of a similar context). he also asked my boyfriend if its okay to show him pictures of men he finds attractive, to which my boyfriend said of course (thinking it would only be done when in context etc) however 'C' decided to randomly pull him aside at work and show him an erotic photo of a naked man with an emoji just covering his bits. Its just odd and we cant understand why he thinks thats normal to do? he now also talks about wanting to hug my boyfriend and goes on about 'you owe me hug but ill let you initiate it' whats that all about?
I dont know where im really going with all this i just think i need a fresh persons perspective on this all. Theres so much more i could write on what he has done and said but this is turning into an essay!! My boyfriend is now looking for a new job and is planning on cutting all ties with 'C' as soon as he moves job.
So... Is this normal behaviour? Are we over reacting on thinking of cutting ties?
Nope, it’s not normal behaviour, it sounds very obsessive and demanding. Reading through it’s like his behaviour has got worse and worse over time and not better with counselling, soo I would question if he’s still actually going?
He must know that your bf has a gf and child and is not gay himself. He needs to learn to accept that, stop and leave you both alone. So it doesn’t eventually impact your relationship.
I like that you boyfriend is kind and caring person, and he’s also put ‘C’ back in his place a few times when he has done something unacceptable...but it’s not working. I think he really needs to start being really firm and assertive and not care about up setting ‘c’ so much and not go on the Xbox anymore and he needs to start putting some distance in between them. He can be civil when working with.
Has he talked to anyone at his work about this? Might help if they know about this.