I still love her
I am a 23 year old guy who's never been in a relationship before. The first one and the only one I've gotten was quite recently actually, and it lasted for about 4 months before 1 week ago.
I met this girl at work, and we clicked instantly. It didn't take us long to start a romantic relationship, and a month or so after we've met she came to my place because of a bet I've lost and the rest was history.
Problem is, we broke up recently because she felt like that there were issues that we couldn't work around in the future, main one me being jealous, and she is going through a lot so us being together was destroying her, in a sense.
She is a girl who gets along with guys, and has a lot of guy friends. To be honest, It was making me pretty jealous, but I knew, or rather, I know now, that it was in the wrong of me to be jealous of people that she has known for much longer than she did me. I couldn't help it. Even if she told me that she knows her place and she belongs to me, it still made me feel jealous. I didn't want to feel this way. I was trying my hardest to get rid of this feeling. I didn't realise in time that these people have been with her through thick and thin, and in the end I was the one that she chose, a guy that she barely knew for a couple of months. We didn't broke up in a bad manner, I understood what she told me and I'm not the type of person to throw a fit. I want her to be happy, no matter what. But I still cannot shake the feeling that she is the girl that I was waiting for this whole time. Relationships are hard work, aren't they? There is no such thing as perfect, you can only make it work if both sides work equally hard.
What I am saying is, that both of us have a lot of things to work through, she is also quite a bit older than me, so she knows much more than I do. Nonetheless, I am not someone to discard something just because there is a crack in it, I've been through my fair share of harsh reality through the years, not as much as she did, but still. I've told her this and I've told her that I will not continue with this at the moment because we're both busy with our personal lives, and I am not ready to give up on us, but I just love her so damn much.
I've not given up hope and I'm thinking about her every day, I'm just trying to stay away and give her space, and focus on the things that I have to do. I plan to have, as to say, one last talk with her after some of the things have been cleared out, but I'm just worried that, I won't be able to let this go. I will be able to understand and leave her be if she does not feel the same, because nothing would demotivate me more than being in a 'forced' relationship, but I am pretty sure it is going to destroy me.
I've always known that I will not be able to be one of those guys to be in relationships constantly with different ones, because that seems just so otherworldly for me. Just because I get hurt once or twice does not mean that I will stop trying. Love is not about perfection to me or how much both sides are alike each other. It is rather how much effort one is willing to put to make this relationship work. Life is not all flowers and rainbows. I am not a gold nugget myself, I have my fair share of differences that a girl would need to be patient with while I work on it.
Nonetheless, I will speak with her about my feelings and I will want to know how she feels after a month or two, I don't feel like I will be able to move forward in my love life before I know the full answer. I told her that I still have feelings for her and I will do for quite some time, she didn't give me a proper answer stating that she wants to totally cut off the things that she feels towards me, and I've always told her, that I am a simple yes or no guy. She didn't give me a no, neither a yes. So there's a considerable amount of me that's still believing in the fact that I can make it work. I am not putting all of my hope into it. I am honestly scared.
She deserves to be happy, but I also believe that I can truly be a huge part of that happiness. I've never been selfish in my life. I do want to be selfish with her though.
I may be naive, do not misunderstand me, all of this is coming from a guy whose never been in a relationship before, but as I mentioned before, I am also not one to take things lightly. I truly want her. I want ONLY HER. Not to belong to me, but to be with me. I will not force it. I might be babbling at this point, but I don't see any other option. I have a few close people to speak to this about, but I was never a fan of sharing these kind of troubles with those that are close to me.
Please, help me understand, a desperate idiot in love, whether or not I should cut this bullshit already and deal with the fact that first and only love is nearly impossible, or should I continue with my stubborn attitude.
Peace and love,
Having been in your situation I'm not entirely sure if what I'm about to write will even help you. But anyway, here's some experience (wisdom?) from a guy a few years, a few break ups and a lot of extra relationships down the track from you.
1. She will feel like the one and only girl. Because... she is
that is, until you fall for another girl.
Maybe this will be the only girl you ever have a relationship with. But in the likely event that she isn't you will understand once you have fallen for a second, maybe third girl. A lot of girls can and will feel just as special to you, maybe more so. Those are just the feelings that go along with intimacy and social chemistry.
The good news being that you could soon feel the same way about a new girl that is even more compatible for you... there is no such thing as 'the one'.
2. More good news. This is probably as bad as a breakup will feel. The first week is usually the worst. And your first breakup is generally the worst too.
So it's very likely that some of the worst pain you will feel is behind you. Breakups get easier the more relationship and life experience you get. And so does dealing with jealousy.
3. If she broke up with you. Then there are not many situations where trying harder to make things work is a good idea on your part. Don't ask me why it works like this but it usually does.
You have identified more or less what went wrong, if you think you can change those things then sure it might be worth giving the relationship another try.
But in any case you will most likely have to wait for her to decide to give things another try. There's not much you can do except work on being happy and enjoying life. Don't worry about trying to impress her or show her you've changed. Don't worry about her at all.
In my experience, she will get back to you at some point, maybe after a few weeks. Maybe a few months. Maybe more than a few months. But much more often than not, when you forget about a woman and start to move on. For some reason they eventually tend to drop you a line.
As I said, I don't know why it works that way, it just does.
Here is the 120% rule
You give everything you can
And then you give 20% more
If she still not choses you then she's not worth it
Noone is worth 120% of you.
If she chooses you, then it is her CHOICE that means if she talks to other boys and is popular with them and still chooses you it's not a reason to be angry
It's a reason to be REALLY confident.
And besides: if she chooses to be with them instead it's not like you have any choice. The choice is hers and it's a compliment if she chooses you.