How to react when you feel something wrong is going in relationship
To understand the problem it is required to know what kind of person I am. I am somewhat that kind of person who believes in humanity over caste religion and social standard rules. I was in relation with a guy almost around 8 years. My family and his family knew it from years back. I am very emotional and loyal lover who is very serious and insecure about my relationship. My guy is very different from me.He is very much workaholic and less talkative stubborn and somehow we used to get less time to share our personal space. It was difficult but somehow i was trying to accept his nature.
Im addition to that, The marriage was getting delayed bcz of his elder sister was thrre to be married. My parents were ready to wait but they were expecting confirmation from guy's family as we knew that his family is orthodox type and the guy is very much loyal to his family. But as i had mentioned henwas stubborn he decided not to tell anything before his sister marriage would over. My parents started being serious and tried to contact his family and his family response was very dry.they just conveyed that no discussion they can proceed before the daughter mrg. My parents just wanted to have discussion which they didn't opt for. Still we decided to wait and after 3 years his sister got married last year and his father invited my family to their home. But their treatment was very dry not as meeting of mrg,it was more of guest at house.they didn't introduce my parents to his other family members like his aunty,grandmother which made my parents suspicious. But still my parents didn't tell anything.His father asked for horoscope and we assumed that he will just refer it for date of mrg to fix. But they did a horoscope match and found that this mrg is not good for guy's health and life. And they just rejected the mrg asking my parents to look for another guy.
My family and me were shocked. The guy assured me that he will speak to his family face to face(as we are working in different city from our hometown). Months passes away and after his parents came to him they just tried to reach other pandits to verify horoscope results and it was same.
I was not happy with this attitude as after such a long waiting they just treated it as arrange mrg and wanted us to step back. More over we are like family friends. They are claiming that already 2 tragedy has happened bcz of horoscope mismatch. Here is the question comes if already two tragedy had happened how come they ignored this to verify for all these 3 years and made us wait in name of daughter mrg.
And even if we would try to have some remedies ,psychologically they will always keep in mind that i am devil in his life. Hence i suggested him to go for court mrg. First of all horoscope will not be afactor and secondly more than religious,caste based relationship we would admire justice,Constitution of our country by opting for court mrg.but he is not ready to go for it. He wants do everything as his parents will be convinced to do.
I would admire blessings of his parents if they would have raised concern when my parents were trying to talk to them but they simply ignored it to focus on their daughter future and now putting all those questions and concerns.Hence I am not in favor of entertaining their such ignorant attitude,but the guy is only thinking about their emotions.
Even though i wanted to understand his situation and want to be with his as support I am loosing my trust and strength.
Now his parents are staying with him and his sister is expecting. Hence he is expected to be involved in his family more. Hence weekend he is always into work.
Fortunately or unfortunately we work in same place and hence sometimes during office hours we are meeting but it is not satisfactory for me.
After being in relation for such a long time we were very close but now he is reluctant to meet me in private and somehow our relationship is going in friend zone which is hurting me more.
When I raise this concern,he just claim that i should have patience and compromise on something. It will not be possible that every thing will happen as you want.
At home he has just told that if he will not marry me he won't marry. But his parents are trying to counsel him.
On the other side he doesn't want to marry me bcz he is worried that after all this i won't take care of his parents and me asking for registry mrg,he is considering it as i am asking him to leave his parents and live together which is totally nonsense.
I just want to have the registry mrg so that they can't force him for mrg.
But he is completely against it.
He is asking me to understand their belief and try to find solution in terms of horoscope and rituals only. But my inner voice is not letting me to do so
I don't find it as good for our future where every time he will allow them to interfere in between us.
We have different plan for our career and family with baby adoptions (as social cause) but i know if he will be intended to address his parents willingness then everything he will compromise just for their expectations.
I am broken with confusion. What should I do. He will not take any action neither to confront them nor to leave me completely. But if i ll go,he won't stop. His such diplomatic behavior makes me more disturbed and week. If I say that,again he starts claiming that I am biased with information from family, friends and movies.
Please give some insights... I had discussed with my loved ones,no one would give any positive remark on his decision. Please help me out either to save the relation or to be free out of it. I have started feeling like i m burden to him and not letting him go!!
Thanks in advance
What will you do if he doesn't change his actions?
When will you do it?
I know he won't change. Bcz he is blind for his family and i have tried to make aware of it,but he can't think of taking decisions without his family.
I have already stopped talking to him. But somewhere felt like leaving him alone as he is also in pain.
On the other hand i m upset that even after being with him for long time and inspite of his parents careless attitude, if now he is not able to stand for me,how can i trust that he will stand for me im future and moreover i am more scared that the way his parents are more influencing him that he can take risk of loosing me, what if they can influence him for marrying other girl and he can't say no! It will hurt more to my self respect.
As neutral audience please suggest which way i should walk..
Here it is clear that he can't take decision by his own(whatever reason)
Only i need to decide and it will be only for me.
If i want to continue, it will be always in uncertain and even if we get married, i am 90% sure it will be always like he will be in his family side and i am like guest who needs to adopt their family mindset which is not easy for me.
If i want to move on, somewhere it will be in my heart that i left him alone until he doesn't get marry.
Currently i have stopped talking to him. But not convinced with myself. But trying to convince that it is an end,accept it.
Think of how life would be if you married this man.
He is so dysfunctionally attached to his parents that he cannot act. He says one thing then fails to act to make your relationship better.
Listen to your inner feelings. Warning bells are going off - with good reason.
Find a man who makes it easy to be in love with him and puts you first.
Find another job to distance yourself from him.
Yes you leave him in this pain. However I don't get the impression that you help him much also
Wether you are there or not
He is in pain because he choses to be.
You can however chose to not be in pain anymore.
It's like someone is drowning and you can't rescue them. You'd only drown too.
It's hard but it's not really a choice