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Wife can not put her marriage / husband first

Posted by
GEORGIAGUY
on Jul 3 2019 at 03:16
Member since: 03 July 2019
Other advice Been married about 5 years and we went as a couple to marriage counseling before we were married. She has controlling parents and especially a narcissist father. The counselor suggested we move away, at least a days driving distance. She recently retired and no we're only living an hour and half from her parents. Her father constantly calls her trying to get her to come over to their house. Her parents are in their 70's and she is in her late 50's. One day when we had just returned from vacation in North Georgia in the mountains I was showing pics I took and mentioned that is where we wanted to move and live. Her father was against it and her mother jumped up and told me to leave and never come back. That's been a year now. When I ask my wife why she won't stand up for her husband and marriage she just says that she doesn't want to upset her parents. She still continues to go and see them on a regular basis without me. I was upset that she didn't speak up and tell her mother that if he husband wasn't welcome at their house then she wasn't either. But that never happened. So, her father constantly calls her on the phone and usually puts her mother on where both try to get her to drive the hour and half to see them. They haven't been to our house in two years and have only been three times total. I've asked my wife why she doesn't speak up to them and she only replies that she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. It would be a minimum of another year before we could move off but I'm not really sure she would. So, where do you think I stand and what would you suggest I do? I hate the fact that my wife can't stand up to her parents and does not put her marriage first. Also, we have no children.
Wife can not put her marriage / husband first
Reply from
LILY31
on Jul 8 2019 at 14:44
Member since: 08 September 2016
Hi,

It’s hard to standing up to a healthy parent let alone a narcissist parent. I know I have one. It sounds like your wife's, mum enables her husbands behaviour with her outburst too. Doesn’t help either because that makes her just as bad as her husband.

I agree your wife parents can’t tell you where your going to live. In their eyes you’re taking her further away so they are unable to control her.

Your wife has probably my had situation like this happen all her life, where she’s been controlled and they’ve demanded things of her. And she does it because it’s what she’s always done.

When you discover you have a narcissistic parent it’s going to take a long time for it to sink in.To get used to the fact they are never going to change or going to stop wanting to take control. There is always going to be manipulation and mind games.

When she goes to visit them I doubt she’ll be having a nice time or feeling comfortable around them.

It is up to her if she wants to see them or not. Ideally keeping it at very low contact. When she wakes up more maybe she’ll cut contact but it needs to be done in her own time without guilt or pressure.

Maybe she could start by cutting back the calls and not answering every time? Have a goal of getting to once a week. Get her to read up on narc parents again because that will remind her and it will give her confirmation it’s not her, it’s them. And go back to counselling. She’s still healing :-)

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