My life goals contradict each other! I'm depressed without each of them
My 2 biggest goals in life are completely opposite of each other and cannot exist at the same time. I have just realized this, and it makes sense now why I have been stuck and unhappy. Whenever I have one, I am unhappy because I don't have the other! But they are both equally important to me, so I don't know how to choose! I have been trying to find a way to have both of them but I haven't been able to figure it out yet. Maybe someone can offer some suggestions I haven't thought of.
So my goals are to have independence and freedom. Here is specifically what I mean by each of those;
-Independence to me is being able to support myself through a good paying job, so that I can have a place of my own. The things that are really important to me that independence provides is; being able to live alone, being able to get enough sleep every night by sleeping in my own bed (the only place I can get good sleep), and having solitude. I am an introvert and easily get overwhelmed mentally so I need to be alone a lot. I have lived with people before and they were the worst times of my life that caused depression.
-Freedom to me is being able to go places and not be tied down to a schedule. I don't mean I just want to travel the world constantly anytime I want, I just want to be free to take a camping trip even half an hour from where I live for a few days. I want to be free to sleep the hours I want (I have a circadian rhythm disorder so this is super important that I can sleep when I need to). I want to be free to just sit alone for a few days at a time to calm my mind and recharge my batteries. I want to be free to enjoy my hobbies, friends and family.
I have had independence most of my life and it was great but I was missing my freedom. I was depressed and would constantly fantasize about running off into the woods for a few months. I got mentally frazzled working all the time and never got a chance to decompress from work or enjoy life. I am 46 years old and have only taken one major vacation in my life because I was always tied down by work and all my money went towards rent and bills.
But when I lost my independence (lost apartment due to being unable to find a job), I gained freedom. I enjoyed the freedom which I needed, but I had to live with my mom, which caused me to lose sleep and become depressed. Then I got a job and moved out and got my independence back, but I had to work 60-70 hours a week to afford to live on my own. I got depressed again, got burnt out, and quit working. I have a small inheritance that I am currently living off while I try to figure out what to do so I can stop this repeating cycle.
Recently I was offered a work trade position on a farm, the job sounded perfect for me, but I would have to live with my boss in a shed, not an actual house, or sleep in my camper on his farm but then where would I go during the winter? I also would have to move 3 hours away from where I live now which is close to my family and friends. and I wouldn't be able to get enough sleep there. But I wouldn't have any bills, and he would let me go camping and go on road trips whenever I want. So I would have freedom but not independence. I hate the thought of relying on someone else to feed me and supply my shelter, but I also hate the thought of not having a life because I would be working my life away! I thought a work exchange would be a good solution, I wouldn't have a set schedule, I'd have freedom to travel, I would actually like the job...but I wouldn't have my solitude or enough sleep! I have tried a few work from home options, but it takes years to earn any money from building your own business, and I was spending so much time working on it that I realized it was no better than slaving away 60 hours a week at my other jobs. I don't have a lot of skills, I never went to college because I didnt want to go into debt, and couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so I just worked in factories, stores, and hotels my whole life. I would love to work from home but don't have any work experience working on a laptop.
I'm so sick of trying to figure this out, it's been a year now. It has been the best year of my life though, because for this brief moment in my life I have freedom and independence, but my money is running out. I don't know which one to choose and I know I won't be happy either way. I actually did go to a therapist about this, but she was no help and didn't offer any solutions.
That's what I've been trying to do for YEARS! Probably almost 20 years now. I have had like 13 jobs in my life and I've never been happy at any of them because of the job specifically sometimes but also because I lose my freedom whenever I have a job and freedom is one of my goals in life. I guess I'll never be truly happy until I retire then. I have had a few jobs where the actual tasks I had to do were enjoyable, but I still didn't love the job for other reasons. I have tried to build a few businesses around my passions, but that hasn't worked either, because once I start doing it as a job, I lose motivation to do it and I lose interest and jump to the next thing that doesn't work either! ;-( (A)