My life goals contradict each other! I'm depressed without each of them
My 2 biggest goals in life are completely opposite of each other and cannot exist at the same time. I have just realized this, and it makes sense now why I have been stuck and unhappy. Whenever I have one, I am unhappy because I don't have the other! But they are both equally important to me, so I don't know how to choose! I have been trying to find a way to have both of them but I haven't been able to figure it out yet. Maybe someone can offer some suggestions I haven't thought of.
So my goals are to have independence and freedom. Here is specifically what I mean by each of those;
-Independence to me is being able to support myself through a good paying job, so that I can have a place of my own. The things that are really important to me that independence provides is; being able to live alone, being able to get enough sleep every night by sleeping in my own bed (the only place I can get good sleep), and having solitude. I am an introvert and easily get overwhelmed mentally so I need to be alone a lot. I have lived with people before and they were the worst times of my life that caused depression.
-Freedom to me is being able to go places and not be tied down to a schedule. I don't mean I just want to travel the world constantly anytime I want, I just want to be free to take a camping trip even half an hour from where I live for a few days. I want to be free to sleep the hours I want (I have a circadian rhythm disorder so this is super important that I can sleep when I need to). I want to be free to just sit alone for a few days at a time to calm my mind and recharge my batteries. I want to be free to enjoy my hobbies, friends and family.
I have had independence most of my life and it was great but I was missing my freedom. I was depressed and would constantly fantasize about running off into the woods for a few months. I got mentally frazzled working all the time and never got a chance to decompress from work or enjoy life. I am 46 years old and have only taken one major vacation in my life because I was always tied down by work and all my money went towards rent and bills.
But when I lost my independence (lost apartment due to being unable to find a job), I gained freedom. I enjoyed the freedom which I needed, but I had to live with my mom, which caused me to lose sleep and become depressed. Then I got a job and moved out and got my independence back, but I had to work 60-70 hours a week to afford to live on my own. I got depressed again, got burnt out, and quit working. I have a small inheritance that I am currently living off while I try to figure out what to do so I can stop this repeating cycle.
Recently I was offered a work trade position on a farm, the job sounded perfect for me, but I would have to live with my boss in a shed, not an actual house, or sleep in my camper on his farm but then where would I go during the winter? I also would have to move 3 hours away from where I live now which is close to my family and friends. and I wouldn't be able to get enough sleep there. But I wouldn't have any bills, and he would let me go camping and go on road trips whenever I want. So I would have freedom but not independence. I hate the thought of relying on someone else to feed me and supply my shelter, but I also hate the thought of not having a life because I would be working my life away! I thought a work exchange would be a good solution, I wouldn't have a set schedule, I'd have freedom to travel, I would actually like the job...but I wouldn't have my solitude or enough sleep! I have tried a few work from home options, but it takes years to earn any money from building your own business, and I was spending so much time working on it that I realized it was no better than slaving away 60 hours a week at my other jobs. I don't have a lot of skills, I never went to college because I didnt want to go into debt, and couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so I just worked in factories, stores, and hotels my whole life. I would love to work from home but don't have any work experience working on a laptop.
I'm so sick of trying to figure this out, it's been a year now. It has been the best year of my life though, because for this brief moment in my life I have freedom and independence, but my money is running out. I don't know which one to choose and I know I won't be happy either way. I actually did go to a therapist about this, but she was no help and didn't offer any solutions.
I think you need to find a job you really love. Then work will feel like you are having fun, while at the same time support your needs.
What kind of job would your really LOVE to do?
That's what I've been trying to do for YEARS! Probably almost 20 years now. I have had like 13 jobs in my life and I've never been happy at any of them because of the job specifically sometimes but also because I lose my freedom whenever I have a job and freedom is one of my goals in life. I guess I'll never be truly happy until I retire then. I have had a few jobs where the actual tasks I had to do were enjoyable, but I still didn't love the job for other reasons. I have tried to build a few businesses around my passions, but that hasn't worked either, because once I start doing it as a job, I lose motivation to do it and I lose interest and jump to the next thing that doesn't work either!