A stupid existenceua
I have decided to come on this forum many months ago but I gave up quickly because I was too busy with my highschool life and I came back now due to my serious feelings if depression and anxiety.
It’s going to be a long ride. If you feel bored please turn back. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time with my insecurities unless they identify themselves in my stiuation or want to put a good word for me.
I am a 16 and a half years old gay boy and I live in a modest middle class family. Ever since I was born things have been complicated for me. I was born with some weird digestive problems and I would vomit any sort of food, which costed my parents 5 years of financial and emotional effort until I could eat like normal kids. At the same time I developed OCD, but a weird form which would force me to make some creepy gestures with my mouth, face and shoulders. That has never ended but only become very controllable and easy to hide. Insted of giving me some pills, my conservationist parents decided some cognitive therapy that never really worked. As I said, just apparently. They labeled me as “abnormal” and treated me like that ever since.
At the age of 6 when I started school my parents would keep telling me that they were making an attempt at giving me a normal life, because “I was an exception because they had been seriously thinking of sending me to a school for disabled children, where I would cut cardboards all day, like any child LIKE ME”. Those words are some of my only memories from back then. Simultaneously, at school, I had problems due to not being capable of paying attention. My mind would always drift away and that has never trully ended. But back then it was very bad, as I would literally unconciously lose track of the words of the teacher and not think about anything or let my mind wander. Nobody did anything about it. My parents kept yelling at me for not having complete notes and forgetting to write my tasks for home or even forgetting about completing them. That happened rarely but it brought severe consequences. At the same time, the teacher hated me for being weird and making those gestures and not paying attention and talking to my classmates in class or not being aboe to comprehend simple concepts. I was very bad at thinking, I could barely focus and although I worked hard at home under the surveillance of my mother, I sometimes brought mediocre or bad grades. I was a good student in general, but my mother would yell at me and offend me for every mistake, tear my pages when I wrote in an uncomprehensible way by her standards, forcing me to adapt my handwriting to a certain style. My father used to beat me for any mediocre mark, by holding my weak body on the bed and slapping my ass with a belt with full strenght. That’s how I managed to get my marks higher anf become the best student in class. Out of fear, I controlled my OCD for most of the time and madegreat efforts to focus.
My mother would get really mad at me when I did bad in math so she got me a tutor in the fifth grade due to being worried about me because of personal experiences with the subject. She started being a bully too, justifying the beating, the slapping and the terror by saying that she “had no idea how to control a child like me”. Truth is, I was very inobedient, lazy and unmotivated to do work, like school and I were two parallel people. But I did it out of fear and then out of habbit, as it became my way of living. But at times I would just stop working and procrastinate, which became my favorite hobby later in life. My mother would use any occasion and my general attitude as an escuse for beating me or yelling at me, or letting my father aggress me. Any achievement I had was rewarded distantly, in a cold but pleasant way. But they would never acknowledge my work. Always letting me to believe it was their effort, “otherwise, I would have barely graduated each class”(I quote). Despite the fact that I had a talent for foreign languages, despite the fact that I learned how to read all by myself at the age of six, despite the fact that my bookshelf was full of science books I loved and read regularly since I was 6.
Another notable aspect of my middle school years is that my parents had decided to keep my in the same historic school reknown for the study of French(I grew up in a country with latin origins, Romania) and for the wealth of its students, that were a bunch of spoiled, idiot brats. I would get laughed at for wearing the same cheap clothes, usually the uniform that almost nobody wore but that I had to wear because ofbmy parents that forced me to. I had to never stand out and do as my parents say, which turned me into a doll, irresponsive to fashion, to trends, having zero friends but being very sensitive to the bullying I got from my classmates. I already was a very sensitive child, crying from anything and scared of others but my classmates woke up a new feeling: the hate. I wished to see all of then behing at least educationally, turning into a hardcore nerd with attention problems but still topping my school. Intense work, obviously.
I had always had a talent for writing, for languages and even singing. I was obsessed with biology but hated studying, although I was a nerd. I was sensitive, emotional, scared and imature. Summary of my first 12 years of life.
At the age of 12 I underwent a major change in my life as my parents had become less violent physically and started being the new emotional bullies. I changes my childish haircut, started wearing the clothes I desired* (not really, but sometimes) and started adapting to trends little by little, beginning to discover the world like an animal freed from its cage. And I realised I was turning into a male, which at the same time brought a sexual interest in men. Been in denial for two years though. And the interesting fact is that I discovered masturbation very late in life, at the age of 14. I was devastated because my classmates began to notice and I hated myself. I was the top student in my class, still had the same problems and some new ones: in my country, an admission exam is held once you graduate eight classes. I started preparing earlier and my parents were very worried, they didn’t believe in me and put a lot of stress on my shoulders. They would limit my gaming time to 2 hours a day only in the week-end and always check my very first smartphone(a shit that never matched my classmates’ iPhones) and read my messages, never allow me to have my phone in my toom at night. And force me to read 30 pages of literature a day.
My parents demanded much and never gave back in the form of real love or gifts. Only that my mother acted abnormally sweet some days and in the rest was easily irritable. My father was a mild drunk addict, ugly and scary guy with a big, fat, tall and uncivilised look. Raised in a notorious neighborhood, he was racist to Rroman people(the ethnic minority found everywhere in Romania) although he was one himself, aggressive, ignorant, uneducated, but very proud of himself. He had the only high-paying job in the family and he was some colonel working in criminal investigations, which was his excuse for being an asshole. He would always lay lazy and ask me to do his chores, yell ar me when I didn’t do it right, pretend me to respect his “behaviour code”: when he yelled my name I had to be there before he yelled again. Otherwise he got angry. I had to talk to him until I was dismissed, always answer questions the way he wanted, never close doors in the apartment, never question whatever bullshit he said(and he had a lot of it) and never yell. I got my hair, my ears pulled aggressively and got kicked or slapped often because I have never been the type to subordinate. I hated him, I resented him and I had the feeking that he was cheating on my mother when he was absent for long periods of time. I have never considered him a father and often had panic attacks because of him.
Once I got into the best highschool in my country, my parents finally rewarded me with an expensive iPhone 7 Plus that I was ALLOWED to buy with my OWNmoney(my allowance + what I got from the government for my educational results), just like my LAPTOP and previous phone. You get the irony of my life. At that point I had a few best friends, two girls and one boy. I really wanted to be good at sports and have friends in the hood, but I never dared and I wasn’t really interested(lie, I was but I simply couldn’t form connections and was too scared to play anything). Highschool began very fast and I got taken by surprise. Extremely high standards, very low marks, terror again. My parents didn’t beat me. They just put a lowkey pressure on me. I was desperate as I barely passed my physics class and graduated the first semester, although I worked really hard. My attention, my memory, all had faded after the great exams and the graduation from middle school. All my interest, my perseverance, gone. My parents weren’t that aggressive anymore so I had no motivation. I was crying a lot, getting bullied by the new classmates for my new issues: stuttering terribly, aphasia, dysgraphia, dyslexic reading, speaking nonsense and muttering all of my words as I discovered that I could no longer control my mouth and open it wide or pronounce certain sounds. I head headaches all the time, I slept very little, I tried to escape this reality by using social media, video games and chatter with my friends that started avoiding me as they got their own new friends and probably sensed something weird about me.
At the end of the ninth grade, although I was among the best in my class, I had way worse results than in middle school. Work was harder, teachers inensitive and wicked. And I was weaker. I had learning disabilities and no one believed, no matter how much I shouted at home. My classmates and former classmates had girlfriends and boyfriends, I had none. I was and am ugly, although my parents and relatives keep telling me the contrary. Everybody else agreed with me that I am ugly, in a bad shape and that my hair is beginning to turn grey. Literally. I am also balding slowly, and my hair can never look nice as it is naturally unkempt.
And now I am getting to the point. If you’ve read the “introduction” aka my story and you are still reading then you are a really good person and I thank you.
One year ago, as I started the tenth grade, my life started going down. It was like the other years had prepared this since the beginning. The stress during the ninth grade rendered me weak and bored. I had severe symptoms of depression. I was procrastionating every day in the holiday although I had an obsession with planning and I had a perfect schedule for every day so I could do all the things I loved and try nee things and prepare for my future and for school etc. I started thinking seriously about my old dream of moving to the USA to work as a plastic surgeon(I also had a talent for drawing, I could still maintain patience and attention in a setting that required scrupulousness and I was so dedicated to biology and anatomy taht I had always had flawless results granted by the best of teachers). I wanted to study English and get my Cambridge CAE C1(which one year later I somehow* did). But I could never do what I wanted. Ever since that summer I couldn’t harness the power of ambition anymore. I felt sad that all my plans were unreachable and that nobody cared. The first time in my life I hate the sea, the mountains and the other places where I would spend my vacation. I was anxious, I started having obsessive thoughts, intrusive, uncontrollable and gruesome thoughts and my sexual fantasies with men and women were so intense that I would masturbate 3-6 times a day. I was tired and bored and these have not changed. I barely made it through the tenth grade even if my results have doubled and increased drastically. But I could barely resist.
I have been and I am depressed due to not being able to learn and remember, focus, think and obtain resuslts in math and science unless I learn the algorithms of the exercises step by step and mechanise everything. I am depressed because I am afraid of the Baccalaureate for which I have to be good in math(not just have good marks) and learn tons of material in literature an of the admissions exam at the faculty of medicine which requires human anatomy and organic chemistry. I can hardly prepare for my tough exams in these topics(except biology which is easy for me) and I can never measure with my classmates even if I work hard and make efforts which frustrates me. My patents don’t believe in any of my problems, even after I told them how I had been contemplating suicide for months. I told them how I went on the rooftop of the block and almost attempted suicide. Several times I wanted to jump from heights or take pills. I have booked methods and statistics. But they don’ believe. They brought me to a psychologist that didn’t even listen to me and said that “I lack confidence”. Period. That’s when I got mad. And I realised that I have become a man for nothing.
Iam gay. OKAY.
My best friend ever has stopped caring about me and it’s visible. OKAY.
I have started forgetting vocabulary and speaking my native language and English pretty bad, with poor pronounciation. OKAY.
I will never be able to become the medic I want to be. OKAY.
I will never be the person with the qualities I wantd: attention, care, confidence, compassion(I have it but I am never able to express it proparly and I get angry real fast which blinds me). OKAY.
My parents have never loved me. Only bribed me to silence my screams, only fooled me that they had no money when their money went to some lawyers that they needed to pay to help them win trials for the stupid shit my father had pulled attempting to do business when he was younger. And my mother has always sticked to him althoug she disliked him so much, my grandmother that lives in the same apartment and that makes my days so annoying hates hin too, I hate him too. They all conspire against me. All mock my dreams. All mock my problems(I have been having appendicitis for months but never had a crisis yet so they’re waiting for it, never hospitalizing me for surgery. And I have had several memory failures, not being able to keep track of my objects like my glasses and phone that I always misplace. I have problems with orientation, whith thinking clearly and I also have headaches all the time. They do nothing.)They all treat me like a child just because I shut my mouth about some things that I know and they don’t want to hear.
This is where I’ve had enough. The part where I realise that all of this is because of them. Because they conceived me and then raised me the way they wanted. And now they are playing the role of vivtims.Always taking their defense. And I am too scared to speak. We have terrible and sonor fights, me and my parents. Sometimes. But they never listen to what I have to say. And God knows how much I hate them and myself, how much I have tried and how good of a person I am deep inside, how much I’ve forgiven, how much I have tried to become a good ally for people in need, the LGBTQ+ community although I don’f officially identify as a member, racial communities here in Romania and abroad, how much I have always cared for others. And how much I hoped. And everything and everyone turns against me. It all repeats itself over and over.
Now I can no longer do anything else than sleeping and reading my holiday books for school. I have lost all hope for anything else. Even watching Netflix is too hard. I have given up games. I have started hanging with a group of less popular people, like me, from the language center where we prepared together for Cambridge CAE and we go and drink, we drink a lot. And I love it. They also shown me the pleasure of smoking until my head gets cold and I care less. Once, I went with two of them, a boy and a girl, to her home because she is insecure too and had just had sex with the crush of a common friend of both of us, another girl from the same pack, and wanted to confess about her sins. Confess my ass... We drank bottles of wine, Jagger and cider until she went into alcoholic coma and hypothermia and I also smoked so much marijuana for the first time that I passed out into laughter and could barely walk. Mere weeks later I did the same with another girl from the group. On every school trip I get drunk with two classmates that are my friends until I almost piss myself and fall alseep. And I love it. Alcohol and weed feel so good. Who knows, maybe I’ll even lose my virginity one day. I don’t care it’s a boy or a girl. I just want some sick drunk/ high(or both) fuck. Nobody loves me for real anyways. I can no longer believe it. The only love I have is for experiences and deprecation. My father doesn’t and never did exist for me and I keep mentioning him because I hate him. I am not willing to repair my relationship with him becaus as simple as it sounds, there has never been a relationship. I’d rather see aging kill him slow as his lifestyle will take him down. (If I choose to live to see that happen).
I have had several temptations to run away from home and never come back. Even now as I am writing this I know I could easily go upstairs, reach the roof and end it. I just want to end this misery. But I don’t because my spirit is too feeble for any adventure of this kind. I simply am too unmotivated. I would just leave my apartment in the middle of the night right now and smoke 4 cigarettes with the boys in the staircase. At least my shallow relationships with my neighbors are the same. Acquaintances of mine, no more than that, but never judged me out loud like the others. At least, they have shown to be nicer than most although I know they aren’t for real. At least they might even have some weed. Or we could drink in the parc.
I don’t know what to say to you except:
1. You write very well - articulate & well organized. There’s no “learning disability “ in your presentation.
2. You are a survivor, for sure. In spite of a very stressful environment, you are functioning, thriving against great odds. .
3. I notice you have friends. At least you can bond with another human being. I bet there’s empathy for others deep down, too.
4. You will probably do something brilliant someday and others will be surprised, considering all the challenges you have been through.
5. Drugs and alcohol are helping you ease the pain of everyday life but don’t let them feed your depression.
6. I hope you have at least one adult person in your life who can mentor you in the future. It only takes one.