Advice on relationship with mother
I would like some advice. I am 36 years old, married (4 years) been with my husband 12 years in December this year. I live in the UK
My issue isn't related to the relationship with my husband, it is my mother. I feel like my relationship with her has totally broken down and I don't know what to. I don't want to fall out with her completely but I feel like I may have no option due to the effect she is having on my mental health.
I had a big argument with her on Wednesday this week. The argument stems from the fact I have asked her to take me to hospital in a weeks time because I am due to have surgery and can't drive there and back. The hospital is half an hour from my home, about 45 mins from where she lives. My mum was all set to take me and pick me up but has now said she can't get the time off work. I don't know what time I need to be at the hospital or if I will be able to go home the same day so it isn't helping planning. I will only find out the day before.
The phone call I had with her on Wednesday basically ended in me in tears and putting the phone down on her.
The call went as so:
She said I was inconsiderate for having my surgery in July when it is the summer holidays, people are off work and she can't get time off. I have been waiting for my op since Christmas 2018 and need to have it done now to allow 6 weeks to heal before I go on holiday in Sept. I don't want to wait any longer because I am having major issues with the depo injection I am taking and want to be off it sooner rather than later.
My husband is selfish because I am the one having to have surgery but its for the benefit of both of us. The least he could do is take me to hospital. I explained to her my husband has a real phobia of hospitals (he hates going to appts with me, never mind having anything done). I also explained to her I am sure he isn't the only person who wouldn't want a vasectomy and I am happy to have the surgery because then I am responsible for ensuring I don't get pregnant.
I explained my husband doesn't feel confident driving. My husband can drive but hasn't driven in a while because he doesn't feel confident on the roads and feels driving to the hospital is too far and would involve him driving on the motorway. to which she said I should sort him out and make him take me. I said to my mum my husband does do plenty to help me, I have a disability which makes housework difficult and he does so much around the house to help me, she doesn't see that.
She said being married is about being a team, hes not being a team because he won't help me. I said being a family also involves being a team. I don't ask for much help and feel she is being totally out of order. She agreed to take me to hospital and has since back tracked. She should have been totally upfront with me and said she didn't want to take me. She can get carers leave from work and I have a feeling she hasn't even explained to her work whilst she wants time off.
I have done so much to help my family in the past and that has all been forgotten. My dad had an accident a couple of years ago whilst on holiday and I drove 2 hours there to be with my mum so she wasn't alone. This was 4 days before I was due to have major hip surgery myself and had enough going on. I went through my hip surgery with the help of my husband and my in laws because my parents were away on holiday themselves. I have generally sorted myself out for any further hip procedures and hospital visits.
I think all this argument on Wednesday stems from the fact she doesn't agree with the procedure I am having done (I've asked to be sterilized because I don't want children). It was my birthday yesterday and I got a text like nothing had happened. I didn't reply. I have messaged my mum today and said I want some space. She can't just have a massive go at me and then expect everything to be normal. I go through the same cycle every few months with my mum, she will say what she likes, doesn't expect any consequences, things calm down and then the next thing kicks off. It does my mental health no good and I have enough going on.
My brother can take me to the hospital but I just don't know what to do about my mum. I've told her not to take me to the hospital as she obviously doesn't agree with my surgery. I also said I don't want to cut her off but if she keeps having a go at me I feel I have no choice to do so for my own well being. She won't get to know my husband and constantly criticizes my marriage.
Hi, first off, in my religion, there’s a saying, “heaven is under the feet of our mothers.” We have been taught from a young age to always respect our mothers, no matter how cruel they are. The bitter truth is, she might have some perspectives or opinions that differs from yours, but she’s the one who raised you. She doesn’t want you to get a vasectomy, because she doesn’t agree with it. You shouldn’t pressure her into taking part in something she’s not comfortable with, same as you don’t pressure your husband to drive you to the hospital. The responsibility is your husband’s to begin with, “in sickness and in health.” I don’t think you should ignore your mother, always remember she took care of you when you were young, she was there for you. Always. Maybe she doesn’t want you to go through with it, that is your decision, but for a mother to see her daughter refusing the blessing of having a child, a grandchild, you can’t hold a grudge against her. Because trust me, losing your mother for a cause that seems irrelevant, is not worth it. Even if she is affecting your mental health, she is your mother. You should focus your anger on your husband, not on your mother.