Dumped & hurting
I a 30yo woman that's been through hell the past year.
Well, a year ago, I started a relationship with a 40yo man. He promised me all I ever wanted : kids/family ( first red sign).
În a couple of months, he started to backdown. He spent Christmas with me but around New Year's Eve he just vanished (found out later he was with his ex). In the same time, I found out I was pregnant.
He came back...nlbut unfortunately I had a misscariage at 12 weeks. I had to go to the hospital by myself, bleeding and in excruciating pain. He went to work, and did not visit me in the hospital. Needless to say, I was in hell.
3 days after this happened, he went away for 2 weeks ( work related), but it was his request.
He came back and started to pull away again.
Last month he finally broke up with me. I begged and pleaded but nothing changed his mind.
After 3 weeks of no contact he returned and said he wanted a real relationship with me and that he loved me.
He told me that he went 2 days with him ex and other people, on a getaway, but just as friends.
This miracle didn't last long, as he told me two days later that he is stressed with his ex and his parents and can't handle talking to me. He asked me to wait a couple of days.
I waited 4 days but no call... I tried calling him, but no answer.
I realize he is a shitty person and I should run.
I feel lost as I can not detach from him and the promises he made.
I would really appreciate your opinion.
Don’t stay with someone who lies and can’t be honest and who is potentially toxic. You’ve already spotted some red flags, listen to your instincts if things don’t feel right.
Starting a family with someone like this is not a good idea or healthy for you or future kids.
You can learn to detach yourself from him, stop all contact from him and move on find some one new who is going to treat you well.
"I feel lost as I can not detach from him and the promises he made."
You're not lost and incapable of detaching. You simply aren't aware of what he is and that you underwent Traumatic Bonding rather than normal, healthy bonding (= normal detachment process). Think, the difference between Pritt Stick and Supaglue.
No Contact is the only way, I'm afraid. But the rewards when you get through it are HUGE and far more life- and happiness-enhancing than any romantic partner.
He sounds quite mild - not deliberately malignant, just empathy-less and the results are so bad as to feel abusive.
And let us know your thoughts.