How to move on?
At the age of 16, I had my first kiss with a guy I liked. But we were both young, and he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He encouraged me to date someone else, and I did. We remained friends whilst I was in a relationship with someone else. A year later, I met him outside and we started going out, texting, to a point I had to hide it from the guy I was dating. We got together and lasted up until 2 months ago. So we were together for two years. On New Years, we spent our day together and promises of love were given. Two weeks after that, he started getting distant. He wouldn’t answer my calls, wouldn’t bother asking me anything. He became the opposite of who he was, and I caught him getting really close to the girl on his snap, we never had shit between us, were I wouldn’t be allowed to go out with guys or he wasn’t allowed to go out with girls, cause we trusted each other. But he changed his Snapchat password, he would be very secretive.
We played a lot of mind games with one another, but at the end we found our way back. I went to him on 29th of Jan, and told him I don’t think we can continue this if whenever something is wrong you pull away from me. He teared up, he left the car, he didn’t fight for me. I called him, multiple times, but he went to a party and switched his phone off. I fought for him for 2 months, like a dog. I texted him even though he answered 8 hours later, he wouldn’t go out with me. We went out on valentines but he wouldn’t look at me. Whenever we went out tho, even tho I’m bad terms, the girl would always text or call him.
One day, 3 months past and he wasn’t putting any effort, i decided that even though it’ll hurt I’ll have to save myself. I went outside his house and told him, I can’t do this anymore. The only way I would check if he’s alive was by checking his snap score. I broke down infront of him, and he apologized, promising he would make it up to me. I wasn’t ready to let go. A mistake I did was the day I let him go, to see if he would fight, I went to one of my friends and he kissed me. But I didn’t tell my guy about it. After I went to his house, things were alright. I didn’t remember the mental tortures he put me through. He wouldn’t answer my messages and post snaps of him at the beach, he’d be like I’m with a girl, I’m tired of you, and he’d switch his phone off. How can someone who claims to love you so much, be so cruel?
Long story short, he found out the guy kissed me because he checked my phone and the guy called, and he fucked me up. He threw my phone out of the window, but somehow he forgave me. He would be in and off, sometimes I would see a glimpse of his old self. Sometimes he would be the person who made me feel the loneliest.
One day, he forgot his phone in my car. I never checked his phone, but he decided to lock his phone using his iCloud. And I got suspicious, so I checked his phone. I found emails between the girl and him, those 3 months I fought for him, he was busy selling wonderful words to the girl. I confronted him about it, he managed to convince me it wasn’t him, that it was his friend. He said that his friend has a girlfriend who keeps tabs on everything she does, so his friend used his phone. And I knew he was lying, the emails went two months back, two months worth of conversations. I just chose not to believe it.
Fast forward a month, one day, we went to the hospital because I wasn’t feeling well. He picked me up. My mother told me not to check his phone, he was driving and I looked at him and I was like my guy would never lie to me. That same moment, he got a message from the girl, he turned his brightness low, changed her name, took the heart away and increased his brightness. I took his phone. He played me, I wanted to check his phone many times, he gave me his phone, he would be like I’m not you. He knew I wouldn’t check, I would open the chat but I wouldn’t read. This time I decided to scroll down and read, and he panicked. We were going to have a car accident. He made so much stuff up, he went to a hotel with her, he took her everywhere he took me. He used my nickname for her, he would tell her the things he told me. Pictures videos. “I’m over her.” All this time, before I ended things with him, he was messing around with the girl. That’s why he didn’t fight. We were together for two years. Since 16 we were close now we’re 19. Why didn’t he let me go? Why did he lead me on if he had her?
He begged me not to leave, he didn’t let me leave the car. My shoulder got scratched, my arm bruised, my nail broken because he wouldn’t let me leave the car. Why didn’t he let me go? He teared up. But at the end he chose the girl. I told him, I’ll forgive you if you block her. And he said he won’t block her, he’ll break up with her. I loved him, maybe I still do. I just don’t understand. If he wanted her, why didn’t he let me go? He wanted it to be my fault. How can I move on? I blocked him from everywhere, but once I unblocked him, he had blocked me. He never texts. Will he regret losing me? At such a young age, my heart got played. How do I move on from the one I still love? The one who sometimes asks about me when he talks to my small sister? How do I move on? How do I let the pain go?
There aren't really any shortcuts or easy ways sorry.
You're only 19 and this sounds like your first real relationship?
This will be one of the hardest to get over.
Might be a bit easier for you as he sounds like a bit of a douche and is a dishonest, weak and selfish person.
All I can say is that it is nowhere near as huge a deal as it feels like it is at the moment.
You're still the same person you always were. That doesn't change depending on what someone else sees or fails to see.
In a few months time you will be feeling very close to your normal self and eventually the pain will disappear completely.
Good luck young padawan. :)