My husband won't forgive me for being weak
I've never cheated on my husband. He claims I am "disloyal" and I might as well have cheated on him because when he had a mental breakdown and we had to move back to my mom's house I was too friendly with people he didn't like or trust. The people he is talking about are my best childhood friend, her husband and mother. He didn't want me to bring our kids to their house and we argued over it one night and during the argument I said "I hate you!" and "You're lucky I'm still here with you." I also brought them to the house anyway, and because I was so exhausted and sad about the argument, I told my friend about it and told her how my husband doesn't like her. This was 6 years ago and he still brings this up during most arguments. He has many, many, many resentments about things that when he looks back on it he realizes I should have done.
When we were at my mom's house, he took too many Klonopins and I had to call 911. He has memories of the ambulance ride and he thinks the EMTs effed with his head and mentally tortured him (this was also 6 years ago). About a week ago he started to get so mad at me that I hadn't called these people (because it was a small town and I know them) to tell them what they did was wrong and he's mad that I haven't gotten the idea myself to take legal action about it.
There are many other things that he resents me about and I hear about all of them all the time. I feel like I have spent the past 6 years apologizing. But when I say that to him he says, you've never actually apologized! You never have really understood. He also calls me a narcissist and a fraud.
Recently he started to search through my emails looking for evidence from that time period and other time periods. He found an email I sent to my friend 11 years ago BEFORE I got together with him where I jokingly said I fall for losers and good thing I wasn't single when I lived in __because I would have gone for ___. The person I said was my husband and I's mutual friend (me and my husband were friends first) and my husband thought this meant that his friend was "in the running" for my love which I assured him was NOT TRUE! I only said that because it was a joke. No matter how many times I tell him, he doesn't believe me. He also got the idea that I had a thing for one of my kid's coaches because I couldn't remember his name immediately a few times. He thought because I struggled with his name, he must be special. NOT TRUE! But he doesn't believe me no matter what.
My husband doesn't trust me or believe me. He thinks he knows everything and no matter what I say he thinks he knows what is going on inside my head. He cuts me off when we argue and Im never able to finish my thought, explain myself and if I say the wrong thing it's never forgiven. The worst part is that he goes back over things from the past on a daily basis. He will hang on one bad thing I said in an argument years ago and focus on it, but the worst part is, he keeps looking back and remembering more things. I feel the weight of all of his resentments and I feel really really bad about myself. I feel like the resentments will never go away because he is always thinking of more. It seems like the picture he paints of me is a narcissistic b*tch when I know that's not me.
I tell him I just want to live in the day, not dwell on the past, and have a fresh start. He says, "just quit doing your s*$t and it's all good." It seems like this is impossible because I will always make mistakes no matter how hard I try to do everything he wants me to. He thinks all of these (hundreds) of issues aren't really resolved and we need to go over them again, but the conversation never goes smooth and so the issues never get resolved.
But recently I am starting to think that I am done apologizing for myself. I have been overall good to him, I have worked for the past 6 years when he hasn't, I have figured out moves. He has been a great father and he is very smart and funny and has a great heart, but everything just seems to be getting worse and worse between me and him. I don't know if I can take this anymore. He doesn't think he has any problem, he thinks the problem is all me and how disloyal I am. He also says he needs more time to cool off and forgive me for what I did 6 years ago. In my mind, I helped him not to kill himself when he was having a mental breakdown. I wasn't perfect, but I was also having panic attacks and very depressed to be living with my mom (who is a very bad person which is another story). In his mind, I sided with the enemy and the mental breakdown(s) are all my fault. I know he went through a lot dealing with my mom. I am thankful to him for that and I know that I was weak and couldn't set boundaries with her (she is probably an actual narcissist).
I'm sorry this is long, and it helped me just to write it out so thank you to anyone who got all the way through this!
He needs psychiatric help and fast. It has been going on far too long without any help or treatment. He has severe mental health problems and he needs to seek help now. Why have you never suggested this?