Trying to understand
Hello Everyone. First things first. Id like to give you a summary of myself to give some context to the rest of the post.
I'm a bachelor, 26 years of age. Stable job at a Liquor store (we are open 364 days a year), bought up to 20% shares in the business this year. At this time I can support myself easily, save and have some fun. I have a place to live and a car that is bought and payed for. Got a few friends. We do sports, go out for a drink or smoke a Joint and have a chill session in our free time.
As I see it there is no point in this post if I'm not brutally honest. So here I go. I'm a proud individual. This comes from the fact that since I finished school, started my studies and then after that started work I have only taken 8 days vacation continuously one time and this was a month ago. Before that, I have not been off work or studies for more than 3 days in a row more than 10 times in 8 years. This is not because I like to work, I despise it. There is so many other things Id rather be doing with my time, but I want to be able to provide for my family one day. If I every get to the point where I have one. Don't get me wrong. I've partied with the best of them. Been hungover at work all those things. Its just never kept me from work. My friends describe me as either "the Responsible friend" or "the most responsible person they know". I am also, as some would say "full of $h*t". That comes from the fact that I know what I want or like and don't settle for less. I'd rather put in the extra effort and/or save up while not having what I want and get what I wanted later rather than settling for less.
At the age of 19 to 21 I dated the woman I thought Id marry one day. I fell heads over heals for her and still see those 2 years as the best time of my life. It ended bad though. At that time of my life I had a Best friend of 8 years and I found out, from him, that he has been sleeping with my Girlfriend for the last year of our relationship. The only reason he told me was because I saved up for an engagement ring and he knew I was going to propose soon. This was 5 years ago. and In my mind I've been single ever since, because I don't think you can count a few weeks as a popper relationship . I've tried to connect with other women since then. With no success. And since I don't believe in the whole one night stands I haven't experienced any form of intimacy for quite a while. Emotional or physical.
After what happen between The love of my life (at that time, Al tho I can still feel my love for her at this time) and my best friend and one of the best people I thought I knew. My Perception/Believe/Capability to/of trust had been completely annihilated. I still have friends but no best friend. At this time there is no one in my life who knows how I actually feel, about anything.
Since from the age of 23 to 24 I'd been in and out of four 1 to 5 week relationships. All of them I broke off as soon as I realized I could not make it work from my side. The way I see it there is no point in keeping a relationship going if you know you will just end up hurting the other party. I mean I've gone through it and never want to do it to someone else. All four times was for the same reason.
This is where I will probably get Judged but it is why I am here since I need advice on this matter. the reason for me breaking off the relationships was that there was no sexual attraction from my side. At all. One Girl got me going but couldn't "keep me going". My body just did not want to respond to them. Its not like we jumped straight to intercourse. By the time we got to the deed we spend a lot of time alone together to feel comfortable/trusting. I just couldn't since I did not find them sexually attractive and how do you explain this to someone who is clearly into you and you have been making out for an hour trying to progress to more but the guy (me) is just not "responding". I liked these 4 girls. something different in each of them. That is why I tried to start a relationship with each of them. so I ended things without saying why just that its me. Stupid I know, but Id think its better than telling an Awesome girl its because you don't find her attractive.
Believe me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with my sex drive. I see unavailable women walk into my store on a daily basis that I find extremely attractive and my body "responds" just by seeing her or having a chat. Other times we go out as friends and meet up with people who are just passing through town (tourist destination) and I would get the opportunity to "hook up" for the evening with a girl who I find attractive. but I don't. Since I know there is no future in it.
Then. in the last 4 years I've had 7 women with Toddlers or who is either pregnant. 4 of these women I pursued before said kids were in the works. So that would make me the second choice. Or the guy looking after some other dude's kid if I decided to go into the relationship. I understand that some people are okay with that. But Im not even sure I want children. That is a choice I would like to make with the person I am planning to spend the rest of my life with and If we do decide to have children, I want to have them when I can provide for them to the best of my abilities.
Id like some advice from anyone who is willing. this is the first time im doing anything like this. here is what Im struggling with:
Do I date someone I think is an awesome person, but dont find attractive and thus kill both our possibilities of having healthy sexual relationships? I have tried this. but i could see it hurting the other party when they try and I cannot get myself to "respond"
Do change my stance on one night stands and hook up? Taking the "fun nights" my friends always call me an Idiot for passing on.
Do I settle for being someone second choice and raise another mans child even tho I know that it is not what I want to do and that I am terrified that down the line it will effect the relationship. I really don't want to do this. Is it really so bad to want a women with whom you can both have your first child together?
I see so many woman complaining about bad guys. How they get left after the kid is on the way. How they get cheated on. How they guy is never there. Or that men need to get there things together. I am literally non of those things. I have a job, a home, a car and I love making my partner feel like a goddess. Making her feel special, loved and cared for is what make me happy. I enjoy it. Brings color to my day. That's why I've only had the one bad breakup in my life. all before and after the cheating was good parting of ways. If it was a year before the cheating or just a few weeks in the years since.
You need a vacation, a change of scenery and different people around you. Two weeks minimum, preferably a full month.
Why? Because you ( the over responsible, serious, trusting, naive youth) got betrayed and hurt by not just one, but two people. That takes some serious processing and healing to happen, and that didnt get done. So it stays with you today (in and out of the bedroom)
So be willing to find some ways to healing ( maybe with a profession counselor) and discover the ability to trust ( yourself, your judgement and women)
So where will you go to begin this adventure?
Thank you for the response
Well Ill go on a vacation after the season is over. Out of country I think. Sister is working in China. That might be a good Idea for a while.
Other than that I'm not sure where to begin. I did Just agree to go out with 4 friends tonight after reading your post. An invitation I have refused or evaded over the last year at least.
The most important thing is for you to change your scenary and routine as the comment above mentioned. Even though you are able to see other women, it clearly shows you are not over the whole ordeal, making the dating situation difficult for you and unfair to your date/potencial partner. The way to "forget" your almost fiance is not by seeing other women specifically, I mean, if you meet someone you like it's alright, but going to find a partner is not the way to go. This advice comes from experience, as I had a 7 year old relationship that did not end well. I found that going out with friends just for the sake of it, taking up a new hobby and doing activities that helped you grow as a person is what helped to overcome the experience. If you plan on travelling I reccomend central/south america because the people are warmer/friendlier and might give a different experience then just going somewhere new, it may not to your preference, but just being in a happier enviroment helps.