Relationship breakdown confusion
I was dating a guy for six months. We had strong feelings for each other and such a good time together - i felt like I connected with him in a way I hadn’t done before. The affection he showed towards me at time was what I’d always hoped for. The relationship came to an end when he couldn’t fully commit to me due to ‘not being where he wanted to be in his life’ including his job and home life. It also came to an abrupt end as I discovered him still to be using dating apps even though we had agreed we were progressing towards a relationship.
We spent 4 months not talking. I removed him from my life in every possible way but he sent the occasional message to me saying how much he missed me but that the situation was pretty much the same with the fear of commitment. It wasn’t easy for me as I did and still do have very strong feelings for him. I tried to date people during the break but not with much success as for example one time I went home crying because it was him I had spend the evening with.
Recently (about a month ago) we agreed to meet. The rush of emotions automatically came back for me but with a touch of insecurity as I was concerned the same thing would happen again. I have openly admitted that I have put too much pressure on the situation in the desire for us to be back on track where we were before - which if I’m being honest is unrealistic.
We have had a few arguments on and off as I think I have gone in with a higher expectation than before as we already have a bond. Today we had a big blow out where he has made the decision to cool things off for now. This is a hard pill for me to swallow as I have only illustrated to him all the worth I can bring to his life. He has said himself that I would be his ideal girlfriend and the perfect match for him but whilst he is still not in the position in his own life he can’t commit to progressing with me.
I’ve listened to all the aspects of his life that he doesn’t think are working and I’ve said I understand where he is coming from but I am just trying to do good by him. I’ve come to a semi conclusion that I think he might be depressed. He has a habit of seeing the worst in every single situation and can be easily angered. As soon as anything goes the slightest bit wrong he cuts it off completely. He has told me the last person he wants to fall out with is myself, yet he has pushed me away without much understanding of what role I play in his life. I’m feeling very confused and lost as I do feel sympathy for him and what he is currently going through but I am unsure of how to be there for him if he isn’t willing to let me play a role in his life? Do I continue to act like a friend and support him because at this time I do think he needs the support? Or do I completely step away and carry on with my life knowing he hasn’t got much of a support network?
I care about him a huge amount but am at lost to understand what role I play in his life. I’m not sure how much I can pour into him without hurting myself.
He needs support, but am I the right person to give it to him?
No, you’re not - unless you are a professional therapist with lots of experience in dealing with depressed, self-sabatoging, self-centered people.
You’ve done enough and now it’s time to not let him take up any more of your time.