Break up over children
I’m so in need of advice and opinions on my situation. I’m going to try and keep it short there is so much to explain. I first met my ex on a dating site, in his profile he explained he wanted kids as he didn’t have any only a step daughter from previous relationship. ( who is now 20 has never worked and in my eyes only uses him for money). I think looking bk we were lonely hence why we were both looking for love on a dating site, he had just came out of a 10 year relationship with a bipolar partner. And me a 3 year relationship with also a ex partner with bipolar. We were both needy. I had just moved into a rented house when we had been speeking for over 2 months on the dating site. I have 2 children age 16 now and at that time they lived with their dad. Anyway after dating for another 3 months we decided him to move in with me. He was living in a shared house from moving out of his ex. And my kids lived with there dad so I was struggling abit with bills etc and we were lonely and it seemed like the right thing to do. And it was. Moving forward we have been together 5 years, after bout 3 years of being together my daughter moved in with us. We got engaged kids got on well with him, he’s always mentioned about having a family of his own still, and if I’m honest I was scared to actually say that I didn’t really want more children. He so desperately did, but I just kept putting it off, sometimes I would imagine if we did. I know he would of been a good dad, but we started arguing like ever month as he liked to drink and go out, he didn’t have any family or friends up here and they lived bout hour half away. He got a really good job up here and would sometimes go out with a work friend or sometimes just go to a pub by himself but he would stay out for hours. He would text me from work or on his day off saying I’m just going for a quick drink and I’d see him 6 hours later coming home at 2-3 am in the night blind drunk . We split up so many times over this. And got bk together cus we couldn’t be apart from each other. I’d talk to friends at my work saying he keeps on bout having children and then keeps doing things like this. Every time we would split up we would have this conversation and he would promise not to drink go to counciling ;witch he did do at one stage for bout 3 weeks but sometimes go straight to the pub after and get drunk. He did cut down a lot but would still want to go to the shops after work ever night to get cans of beer, and every time he drank he would start an argument over why we haven’t had children yet, in the end I told him I had changed my mind bout having children that mine was 16 now and I couldn’t see myself starting all over again with a baby, of course he didn’t like this and we would split up again and then same thing get bk together, this has been going on for the 5 years now we have been together, my daughter has seen him come bk the next morning drunk from his quick pints he would say. And sometimes even when we have been in together watching telly he would just start an argument over children again out of now where. I’d tell him to be quiet and just talk not shout as I didn’t want my daughter to hear us row but she always did, and would come down stairs and see me cry.we would argue over things like our sex life too, he’d say it was none excistent or he was loud and I didn’t want my daughter hearing in the next room, he didn’t get that, he said I made him feel unwanted.hes say things like what is he getting out of this relationship? As I didn’t want him going out and I didn’t want kids, he said he was footloose fancy free and they are my kids so I deal with them, he’s getting nothing out of this relationship. He would say why don’t you want to be married and have kids with someone who really loves you will never hurt you never leave you, ur kids will grow up and you will be lonely and stugling on ur own why dnt u want that security? But his actions to me didn’t make me want to have more kids. This led to me kicking him out 4 times only to get bk together. My daughter would always tell me she didn’t like him, but then sometimes they would get on, he did have a loving nature always caring and tryed hard with my kids most the time. He always made me feel loved an special and would of done anything to make me happy, but he so much wanted kids, he used to say I don’t listen to him he promised me everything I wanted he’d get a house and he wanted to get married, but deep down I didn’t want to get married (I was married before, still am never got the Divorce) and I didn’t want kids. Maybe if my kids was younger or I didn’t have any like him then i would, I dnt know. He was angry I didn’t tell him from the start when we met, but I honestly didn’t really know how I felt then and was considering it, but I changed my mind and he couldn’t except that.he would ball and shout, I guess he was frustrated, upset everything and I dnt blame him. Anyway we have split up now for good, he’s moved out and we are both heart broken, my daughter hates him, but we was good together when we were good, I carnt help not truly wanting another child, and it’s not fare on him not ever having one if he stayed with me. I need to know I’ve done the right thing in letting him go.i feel like I’ve wasted 5 years of his life. And I miss and love him so much, but I know my daughter should come first and she would not be happy if I get bk with him.
I’m 38 and he’s 39 by the way, and that’s another thing that keep me thinking I dnt want kids as I feel I’m too old. Or by the time the kid had grown up I’d be late 50s. I love him and wish he was just happy with us as a family we have got and I was enough, but I do understand that he wants to experience a child of his own I wish I could give him that and be a happy family. Who knows my daughter might of looked at him differently then. I feel so sad and hate the thought of him meeting someone else and having a child with someone else, I know that’s wrong and I should wish him all the happyness with someone cus I carnt give him what he wants, I dnt really know what I’m afraid of. Maybe not working out and being stuck with a child I didn’t want.even tho he said he would never leave me. The risk is to much to take, even if I could be a happy family. Now I’m scared I’m never going to meet someone I love again. Or be regretting that we went our separate ways and i
And he’s got someone pregnant and happy and realise I made a mistake and it’s to late.
This guy is a first class manipulator! To divert from the issue that he is an alcoholic, he changes the subject to having children and your unwillingness to become a mother at your age. Now he can blame you for everything. How selfish is that?
Now he also uses your child to justify his cheating on you - all the while drinking.
Soon you will see you dodged a bullet! Your life would have been miserable with him.
Hang in there.
Hi thanks for the reply, I think You’ve misunderstood the last part, he hasn’t cheated (not that I know of) what I meant was I’m scared he’s going to get someone pregnant and I’ve realised it’s too late and I’ve made a mistake in letting him go. He’s told me all the people he’s spoken to hates me and thinks I’m a bitch for kicking him out loads of times, and if he listened to them we would not be trying to get bk together, and it would be easier for him to walk away and start a fresh. But he loves me and he can’t walk away . I’m worried my daughter will go and live with her dad again if we get bk together. As she really dnt want him bk. they did have some good times where they did get on. It’s such a mess I’m in, and I know it’s not just me and him I’ve got to think about it’s my kids too. She’s a teenager and I suppose it’s always going to be hard in any relationship I have as I’m her mom and she wants what’s best. I dnt know what to do. Have a baby with him and hope we get to all be a happy family, or am I kidding myself and listen to my daughter and let him go.
My opinion is a little different. I think what you did to him from the beginning is extremely unfair. He made it clear on is dating profile that more than anything he really wanted children of his own and you pursued a relationship knowing you were never going to give him that. You strung him along for years while he waited for his time to become a dad, the stress of it causing him to drink. Then you trashed his dreams. You caused all this. You broke him.