Am I asking too much of a friend
GUEST987654321 - Sep 8 2019 at 21:49
I only have one friend, I know that’s spreading it thin and that’s on me but i struggle with people. She is in a relationship and her partner is supremely jealous. I can only speak to her if he is not around, we are unable to hang out unless he is doing something for himself. He’s a controlling and mentally abusive partner but she is stuck. I am always available for the down times(there are many) as a listening ear but i’m feeling utterly run down(Her relationship has gone on 6 years). The only things we tend to speak about is how horrible he is and that can go on for hours after a blow up.
I feel guilty if i don’t support this way but i also feel this friendship has totally become a one way supportive system. I don’t know how to approach this as there is almost constant misery in her life and i feel i’ll just add another thing to pile on. I constantly think i’m being harsh for thinking like this, she has to actually live through the experiences.
She does things with other friends but i then have to listen to the aftermath of his jealous rage which then stops me wanting to ask her to do anything as i’m just in constant guilt that i will cause more pain that i will then have to counsel her through afterwards.
Personally i have clinical depression and have been unable to work for years and am pretty much housebound, my mental health has deteriorated to suicidal point and i just feel alone. Am i being harsh to expect a bit better from my friend than being hidden away until i’m needed?
Part of the issue is that you only have one friend you can talk to frequently. It is unfortunate that you're housebound, but if you could take steps to spend more time in public or speaking with others online, you could eventually meet others who you would appreciate keeping in touch with besides the one friend. This whole process takes time, and some effort. And, each friend you meet will have certain things in common with you, but also have their own downsides. Nobody is perfect, but they should bring something to the table for your friendship. And every now and then, you'll happen upon someone who you get along with better than some of the others.
You also have to realize that, while your friend's partner may be controlling and jealous, there must also be a lot of things about this guy that she likes which is why she is still with him. And, while it's understandable that you have a single friend and want to keep in touch with her, she has other people in her life to divide her time between. Whenever someone is in a relationship, or whenever someone has children or someone to care for, that usually takes priority and then any spare time they have left goes to friends.
A lot of friends come and go. They'll be around for a year or two, or three, and then dynamics will change and you may see less of them. Or more. Usually you will still hear from them occasionally, if you were close enough friends. But life takes people down their own paths. Like you, I'd only really had one constant friend in person who I would hang out with and talk to for a while. Lo and behold, I did meet a new friend recently who I seem to get on well with. Actually, two of them. And there are some annoying things about both friendships, but there's always pros and cons. At least now I have other people who I can check in with every couple of days.
The main issue, the one which you will need to work on, is taking initiative and living your own life. You can't always rely on others, and people won't always be interested in doing the same things as you. But all you need to have is you, and the drive to expand your horizons and find new places to go and things to do with your spare time. We all have routines we enjoy, but you have to mix things up now and then and put real effort into them.
Pursuing things you're passionate about or interested in will gradually lead you towards people with common interests or mindsets, or people who you might not have anticipated to exist altogether. Travel off of the beaten path, talk to someone maybe you hadn't given the time of day to before, and look into things that sound fun and intriguing.
Good luck, and remember not to take everything in life too seriously.
Thank you for taking time to reply and for the advice, i’ll digest it and take it on board.