Ok so background: I'm 29 and have a young daughter to think of and for the first time in four years I took advantage of the first opportunity I could to move out from my child's father place. He was a rebound from my divorce (was with ex husband from 18-25 I only dated one guy before) and had an unplanned pregnancy with rebound/childs father after 3months knowing him.
Now he is a good father he stuck around and he provides for our daughter I'm not saying he's a bad person just bad for me, and I him. We have no mutual respect or admiration for each other outside co-parenting and cohabilitating with someone you haven't been in a relationship with for years isn't healthy. I can blame him or repeat all the nasty phsycologically abusive things he said that I had to live with daily or admitt the truth that the situation was not good for any person and brought out the worst in him. We both see and or date other people but lived together even though we weren't physically or emotionally involved for 3 out of 4 years.
To be honest, I can't rely on any family (his or mine) for childcare and for that reason I can't afford to live on my own (rent +utillities+ $500+childcare+car payment+insurance+food+ ect) without going after him for child support and that feels morally wrong when he's been doing his best to support her the whole time. I know if I did he couldn't afford to live on his own either and how does that truly benefit our co-parenting?
Ok so this year I've been struggling with employment this year do to childcare because you earn more money on night shifts but relaible childcare is difficult to find and keep. So I'm waiting it out trying to find a decent paying day time job with no valuable vocational skills within daycare hours (7a-5p) and most jobs hiring start between 4-6am.
This is what makes me shady: An ex boyfriend (who I broke up with for valid reasons that I knew wouldn't change) was moving to his own place and begged me to live with him after not talking to each other for 4momths. We worked together for 1year and dated for 1yr, he's a good person too but 9yr older and very set in his ways. I know he's not a pervert and when he gets angry he doesn't yell, he goes to another room and gets quiet. I can live with that. However, the very valid reasons I broke up with him over still exist. But when working I can afford to live outside child's father so he's like a roommate with benefits.
Or so I naively assumed. In the 4months living together the one thing that used to be good (last go around)was our intimate life but that seems totally different. I've been intimate with 5 people in my entire life so its frustrating with the whole life is short, nearing 30s biological clock,trying to make ends meet, and taking care of my mental health/wellbeing.
I'm trying my best! Like I don't make much money as him when I was working 2nd shift and due to childcare had to quit and find new employment and he hasn't been mean or hard on me about it (so thats a plus).I cook everynight and not just hamburger helper and frozen pizzas but like actual meals. The only room he has to clean is his. Hell I even do his laundry. I don't mean to sound sexist, just because I'm a female doing all these household chores, I'm not working and he is this is essentially my job right now that's all.
I find him physically attractive and he claims the same for me however nothing adds up intimately. We hardly have sex and when we do its either too short or not what I want. Like I feel like a terrible person. He says I love you every day and I reply because I do love him he's a good lovable person but...in love with him I don't know. Probably directly related to lack of sex life but mostly due to incompatibility. He works hard so I guess I shouldn't be bothered by no conversation and all his spare time pc gaming or sleeping. I guess he's hitting that age where sex drive declines so I should be more patient or understanding. I might be selfish for not seeing any of that as an excuse for lack or foreplay. Or not accepting the excuses he gives of "I'm stressed by money and not in the mood" when there's savings and I'm making $200month groceries last over an entire month. I quit when sitter gave 2weeks notice they couldn't watch my daughter bc if I was going to be SOL anyways why pay them $180 a week when I can save my last check and make 2 months of car payments.
What's worse is I did the ultimate "no no" and browsed through Internet history to find porn sites every time my advances are being turned down. All I know is communicating what I've seen,want or like isn't working and just appears to place more stress on the relationship. A relationship I've put myself in due to my poor choices in life and stubborn pride preventing me from mooching off government assistance and child support.
Or if we're being honest, I'm acting like a shady B**** using him for a roof over my head while I get back on my feet AND not have to move back in with child's father because we get along better separate. If her father says hurtful disrespectful things I don't hear them and don't get depressed so I can focus on what matters, my daughter. Or that is all a coping mechanism to justify my poor life choices. I feel crazy and my actions support that theory. All of that could equally be the reasoning behind the sexual dissatisfaction I'm feeling in this relationship.
If this IS all just a mental mindset I've created for myself how do I change it? How do I learn to appreciate what I have and become less focused on what I don't? I know long term I need to find gainful employment, reliable child care, and save money to be self reliant. However, I'm not there yet. So what do I do in the meantime to escape being trapped in that "bell jar" that feels so regretably unavoidable?