Hello, so I need opinions on a situation. What would you do Personally? So my husband wanted his brother to spend the night, at the time we had new baby and I was healing from a c-section I told him no. My husband insisted on him him staying the night. Since my husband was allowing him to spend the night I told him his brother needed to be left before my husband went to work. My husband agreed and said he would let him know before he came. My husbands sister said that this brother had raped her but I didn’t feel like I could tell him because no matter what I say about his family he will not believe me. We have had numerous fights over his family and it’s huge betrayal of my husband to dis believe me when I haven’t lied to him, yet he hangs on every word his mom, brother, step-dad say...I am not ok with that it’s very disrespectful. Anyways he gets up and goes to work leaves his brother home and I know he is downstairs so I can’t do anything. I lock myself and my son in my bedroom and stay there for hours. My son was finally asleep and I needed to go to the bathroom I got to open the door and I can’t get the door to open someone is on the other side I don’t think twice I grab my baby and get the hell out of there,. As I am leaving my husbands brother is like I just needed to use the bathroom and he didn’t know where it was. Totally bogus he was there all night he knew where the bathroom was the night before downstairs there was no reason for him to even come up the stairs. So I tell my husband he says I am lying and his bother is not like that and would never do that to me. When this happened I told him I wanted nothing to do with his bother because I am not going to risk myself to be raped or my child because he doesn’t want to believe the truth. He continued for weeks inviting his brother over and allowing him to be in our home. I did not feel safe and I definitely should not have to be around someone who is unsafe or someone who attempted to rape me, I know what would have happened if I didn’t leave. I told my husband that he needed to talk to his brother about it, he just says he won’t because he doesn’t like conflict or the awkwardness.
What would you do?
For myself I always hoped that things would be different with my husband, that he would grow up and realize that your spouse comes first no matter who the other person is. Well 11 years later and I decided to talk with my therapist about it. My husband told her that he didn’t think his brother was capable of such a thing and that he had no reason to think his brother would ever do anything like that. So the therapist told me that anybody would have done the same thing and she personally would have not believed anyone in the world who was accusing her brother of the same thing. I would hope that if it was her spouse or child she would believe them. The therapist told me that I need to just forget about everything and it’s ok because he believes me now. The problem is it wasn’t just like that it took him years and years to say he believes me and he is a smooth talker and will just say what I want him to and he thinks that fixes things. He wasn’t honest with their therapist or himself, a lot of the things he was saying he has never said to me previously, he just “knows what to say.” Actually I was so pissed off at him the week before and he went on a trip for his job, I didn’t talk to him the whole time he was gone. My husband had told me that the reason his brother did that to me was my fault, which just opened a whole new can of worms and pain. While my husband was gone he called and talked to his cousin which is fine he just got her number a week ago at his grandmas funeral. So when he gets home he tells me all this stuff my cousin told me this stuff that’s happening in the family “sexual abuse” and it’s rampant. He said I am mad nobody told me, which I have explained a lot of stuff that I have seen and what one aunt has warned me about. I told him who do you. Think should have told you anybody but myself for you to believe or take things seriously??? I told him if it was anyone’s responsibility it was your moms but she chooses to think all of it is just fine, normal. I told him several times that his uncle was willing to talk to him, but he wanted Robert to come to him so that he knew he was willing to listen and he didn’t want to ruin their relationship. He has had that opportunity to get information but he has chosen not too.
Also he has had the opportunity to talk to his brother in person about it. His bother called him and said he was coming to visit about 4 years after this happened (since we moved) when he told me I said perfect because we will be able to sit down with him and have the conversation about what he did, so that he knows he can’t get away with it and that my husband knows. I get a call back about a half hour later from my husband and he said I told him not to worry about coming. Really????
my therapist believes that this is something that I should just get over, what are your thoughts...........
Before I can “get over it” or recover from it what do you think needs to take place? What would bring healing?
Your husband needs to back you in your feelings that you are uncomfortable with this guy in your house alone with you and your child. Be firm about this. He needs to respect your feelings above all else.
It sounds like there could have been abuse in the family and rumors are flying and several people have their own stories. You are caught in the middle of it all and without the facts. And now you are hyper vigilant about this one guy. It may or may not be fair to him, but your husband’s first allegiance should be to you and your child.
Your husband needs to man up and find out the truth to determine if this man is a threat to his own family...OR if the rape story is unfounded rumors, teens fooling around years ago, or this man’s actions are currently dangerous to all.
Your husband has no respect for you and your therapist needs to be fired. Get rid of both. Leave and go somewhere far away for the sake of you and your child. If you stay, you will always be second after his family. He's not protecting you are his child as he should.