Moved across the country for addict fiancé
Okay so we met online 15 years ago as kids. Didn’t meet in person until 3 years ago (which we consider our anniversary) the connection was so strong and still is. I’ve always been a cautious person but I found myself agreeing to move here after a few weeks. 2 months later I had said my goodbyes to my family and friends and was driving here.
Fast forward to now and we’re a mess. I knew he was an ex drug addict but thought he was fully recovered. I battled that myself as a teenager/thought I could help him/it was my karma to etc. he relapsed more times than I can count during our relationship. Spent my college fund everything. Before it was really bad I was working 3 jobs to support us while he went to school, even then he never cleaned cooked or helped. That or drugs is what we’re always arguing about. We can never afford to eat out so I’m just playing housewife 24/7 for the past three years/not to judge but I never wanted that. It’s literally eating up my soul and I hate the mother dynamic in relationships.
He’s rational. He understands All of that is wrong. But still does it and then feels awful later (whether it’s drugs or just generally doing nothing except maybe some dishes every once in a while) I’ve never loved anyone more. But I hate how much we’re both starting to resent eachother.
A year ago, we were talking about marriage and I told him I wouldn’t say yes if he proposed until he was off drugs. I thought he was just taking this legal drug at smoke shops but it turned out to be hard drugs. He lied, proposed to me, and a month after our engagement he was overdosing in my arms at the er while all the nurses and drs tried to convince me to leave.
I was his halfway house (drug testing, searching him, etc) his therapist, essentially even more of the mother dynamic. This whole year has been hell and I’m so alone here. I’ve found myself reverting back to poor mental health and struggling with severe depression, panic attacks and eating disorder thoughts (all things I thought I had beaten) all we do is fight. Or shove things down so we don’t fight. I don’t make much money anymore, quit all my jobs and started working from home to watch him a year ago, I feel trapped and so alone. My closest family or friend is 1000s of miles away. And our dog is literally my child I can’t leave him/I traded in my car and now the new one is in both of our names
He was clean as far as I know until a month ago. He took some pills some guy at work gave him. He even told me to leave if he relapsed again... I’m so emotionally drained I don’t want to search him, drug test him etc. I’m tired. I don’t know if he’s sober or not.
Is it too much? I keep telling him we need couples therapy. But lat lot I’m starting to question.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you're in such a tough position right now & some of what you say mirrors my current situation so I share some of that pain.
With that said I don't believe you should get involved with anyone and try to change them, or hope that they change because of you. You need to love that person for who and what they are right then and there, the good and the bad. That's not to say people don't need correction, it's just unlikely to work unless they have the desire themselves to really want that change to happen too.
If you're going to continue being with him you need to accept that relapses might very likely be part of the deal. If it's worth it for you, then keep trying, keep supporting him, and giving him every opportunity to change. But if it's too much, then don't feel guilty for wanting to take a break(even if that means moving back home). It sounds like you've already done so much for him, far more than anyone else.
It's hard to tell which is the best thing to do. Could you leaving him for a while shock him into becoming sober? Maybe. Could you staying and supporting him even more help him get clean? Maybe. But you need to look out for your own health and well being too.
It's been a couple weeks since you posted this, how are you doing there now?
He needs professional help to sort out his addictions before you think about couples therapy. You can't fix him. You can't be his therapist and his mother. You are his fiance. He need's to want to fix himself and right now he sounds like a lost cause. What does his parents say about it? Do they know? Encourage him to get the help he needs and support him in that if that's what you want to do, but neither of you can continue down this path as it is right now.