I can’t appreciate myself for who I am but I’d like to. But how?
For awhile now, I’ve been showing numerous signs of depression and anxiety. I’ve stopped seeing the point in life, I don’t find joy in activities I used to love, I often think of suicide, etc. During this time, I’ve lost much self respect. I will do whatever it takes to make people around me happy even if it hurts me.
I’ve started to do this daily. Doing such causes me a lot of pain and I want to seek help but I don’t know how. I have pretty bad trust issues. I don’t have anyone in my life who I’d consider talking to. I am not in a situation where I have the resources to seek professional help.
I wish I loved myself. I wish I could go back to how I was before. No matter what I do, I always finding myself loving others more than me. The people I love don’t quite feel the same. I have been back stabbed by them before yet I choose to forgive them.
I think this is to prevent myself from feeling too lonely. I’ve never had someone to talk to or that I’ve felt close to, if I did, they always ended up leaving me.
I decided to write here today because of someone I talked to today. I was having a panic attack and this person asked me if I wanted to step aside and talk. I told them that I was completely fine, I told them I just had allergies and I had yawned, and that I wasn’t crying. I didn’t want to bother the person with my issues.
This person put a hand on my back. It made me feel like someone in the world really cared about me. Even though we hadn’t addressed any of my problems, I felt that even if there’s no one in life who I believe cares, maybe others in the world might.
It made me realize I want to stop lying to myself. I clearly wasn’t okay but why did I lie? I’d like to receive the help I need. I really want to enjoy my life, but at the moment it’s not possible. I’d really appreciate any advice you could give me.
I’m in high school, living at home and yes, I do but I’m not sure how to tell them or if they’d understand.