Feel like a third wheel with my sister and her husband
Okay, so disclaimer, this doubles as a venting post as well as eliciting advice from others who may have had experience with the same situation.
I am very close with my older (5 yr age gap) sister. She has even allowed me to live with her (I pay rent ? not a total moocher) She recently got married, and I’ve known the man for almost just as long as she has. She introduced us within a couple months of them meeting and getting together.
I say that to preface that my issue is not a fleeting phase, unfortunately. For the past 3 or 4 years I’ve just been so annoyed because I feel like whenever I want to do something with her, he comes along, and doesn’t even ask me if it’s okay. At first I dismissed it and accepted that they are a package deal, but realized it was becoming a bit much and that it doesn’t have to be the case because I know plenty of couples/married folk who still maintain individuality. I can *barely* get her out of the house when she’s not working, and when I do, he’s there. If i want to go see a movie, he’s there. If I ask her about dinner, he’s there. We loved going to amusement parks, and now he comes along for those too (so i’ve had to ride by myself in those 2 seaters. If i ask her to take a trip, yup, you guessed it, he’s included in those travel plans too! I feel incredibly immature, because I should be happy that she’s found someone who’s easy and “likes” all the things she does, (likes is being used loosely because he has a very passive personality in general, and doesn’t speak up very much, so i rarely see enthusiasm for him to engage in anything) and i don’t think it would be fair for her to feel like she has to do certain things separately and multiple times because we all want to do them, but I can’t help but also feel annoyed. It’s rude to say, but still true, he has very few friends. So it almost feels like she feels responsible and perhaps guilty for his idle time because he doesn’t have anything to do on his own.
And before you ask about the flipside, yes, she probably does invite me along to things without his knowledge which would of course show that my true issue lies with her lack of awareness. However, I’d like to think I take his feelings into consideration and say no to things because I feel like they should have time alone together (he has a son from a previous relationship and lives with us every other week) I don’t really bother her to hang out but maybe a couple of times a month, which is why when I do, i feel it really should just be us.
A few examples:
– I invited her to go to a restaurant I had a gift card for, and she invited not only him, but his family without saying anything.
– asked her to take a trip with me, and I only found out she was expecting him to come through a conversation while we were in the car on the way there! We only booked one room and I did not want to stay with the both of them! He ended up not coming, but not because he didn’t feel like that was a good idea, but because he ended up getting a job that stopped him.
– I planned a trip to Vegas for my birthday later on this year, (at least she said in advance he’d come along too if that wasn’t the week he had his son) but how did this turn into that kind of trip, I have no idea.
As you can see, i’ve had a tough internal battle over this. I know where I’m wrong. I know the basic advice I’d receive because I know what I would tell someone if they asked me. “Your sister is allowed to have her own life, her husband is now her #1, and she can no longer manage things from the perspective of a single woman like you. Be honest about how you feel, how is she supposed to know if you don’t say anything? Don’t be childish.” So I guess if there’s any advice someone could give me, is how do i bring it up to her? How would a married person want to be approached about something like that? I try to be really understanding of other people’s perspectives and so i don’t want her to misinterpret how i feel as jealousy, but essentially let her know I don’t want to be a third wheel *all* the time?? I totally understand that things won’t be the same as they were before they met, and while I agree our relationship as sisters will have to adapt, i don’t believe that means I have to completely sacrifice it. I think there should be give and take.I guess my issue is that neither one of them see a problem with him tagging along. But that’s what bothers me. He’s literally just tagging along. I could see if on occasion the discussion were, “well, he’s been waiting to (insert activity) for a while so do you mind if we all just go together?.” But that’s never the case. The situation is “well he’s around so he might as well just go too” I don’t do that. I don’t think it’s okay to do that. Let me know how obnoxious I’m sounding and what you would do if you were me, please? I’d appreciate my feelings not being minimized, also, I know some of you will not feel the same as I do.
What are you doing to find your own place?
Your sister’s focus should be on her marriage. That partnership comes first.
Get your own place and invite her over if you want private time with her. As it is now, she and he are a team.
I think it's time you got a life. Move out and find your own place. They are married and obviously not expecting you to live with them forever. Yes, you are a third wheel and being very immature about this. They have a marriage that comes first and they need time alone together. You say you understand this but you very put out if she doesn't give you her undivided attention. Time to grow up. She needs to live her life and you need to live yours. Stop butting in on hers.