Confused about EVERYTHING
So, I was with someone from the age of 17 to a month before turning 23 (last year). I ended things with my ex because.. well, I can barely even remember why. I felt that we never saw each other, he went on his phone A LOT, and he sort of stopped engaging in deep conversations with me, I would try to get something out of him and he quite often gave me one word answers and I became really fed up. His dad was very much the Same, and I began scared that he would end up like his dad, who was very very quiet. We stopped having fun, really.
But really, I think I changed too, I wanted to go out all of the time and I found myself fancying other people. I had treated him to a holiday earlier on in the year and his parents decided to join us, I thought it might be a chance for us to fix our problems, but his Mum and I were not the best of friends all of the time and my ex really sided with her on the holiday and we really didn't patch anything up. After months of feel really unhappy and stuck in our relationship, it got to the point where we NEVER had sex, he wanted to. But I just really didn't. I found him attractive, he's absolutely gorgeous and has the best heart but I just was falling out of love. So we ended things, badly. I mean I was an absolute bitch, there is no excuse for eveeything that happened. But i felt it was because I asked for space and he took that to mean "try harder than you ever have in 5 and a half years" which just pushed me further away.
ANYWAY, we ended things. He moved out. After 2 days seperated, he had a new girlfriend. Facebook official after a week and on each others social media, everywhere. I wasnt jealous, but had a go at him and he said he didnt want to end things badly and we both apologised and thought we had been through enough.
A few months past and had met someone and we were then together. I found out my mum was ill and felt that my new bf and I went through a lot in a short space of time. After 7ish months, I found out I was pregnant. Naturally my new bf was thrilled. I wasnt. I am riddled with guilt. I cant help feeling that i have let my ex down. He invested so much time and love into me and now i am jist having a baby with someone new. Im finding it so difficult. I cry most days and when I see photos of my ex and his new gf i just feel so so guilty that he isnt the father. Which is awful for my current partner, who i really do love ans treats me so wonderfully.
I am just so guilty, I want my ex to be nothing but happy. All i want is his happiness. He has a heart of gold and I hate myself for hurting him. It was a huge huge part of my life and in 1 year everything has changed. And I wonder sometimea if I ever was REALLY unhappy like i made out i was, maybe it wasnt even that bad...I dont know. I feel so confused and sad.
But I want to be excited for this new chapter. Is that possible?
You spent some really formidable years (17-23) with one guy who sounds like he never grew up. Plus there were some family dynamics that you were wise to see, and his relationships with his parents would never had allowed him to be a good husband. So you wisely let him go ( good looking aside). Did he work to make you fall in liove again? No. He jumped into another relationship and seems happy. So dear, He has let YOU go.
So why do you feel guilty? Is it pity? Why have that nagging feeling that your current situation (with child) could have been with the ex? Do you really think he would have been a good partner during all this?
About this new relationship. Very fast, intense and now complicated with your pregnancy. You do, however, seem to want to make it with this new guy. Try to work on the present.
PS: - and know that pregnancy is a roller coaster of emotions. Let your new man comfort and hold you now. It seems he wants to.
I really needed to read that! It really has made me feel better, I really just needed someone to see it from an outsider's point of view and give me their opinion, thank you so much!