Leaving a sick friend stranded?
Am I wrong? Am I selfish? I don't know how to make this right... I don't think it will be right.
Last year my friend was dx with stage 3 cancer. The odds are stacked against her. She lives a thousand miles away and her dream was to come visit me. Now we have only been in touch via text past few years with my family life being unstable and her cancer dx. But I want to see her and I told her she could come.
A few months ago she said she's done with chemo and driving here.
Here's where everything does a nosedive....
She initially didn't tell me she's bringing a 50lb dog. She also didn't tell me she carries a gun. I live in a house where a hall is shared with my landlord who has no pet policy. Also my roommate and I hate guns and do not allow guns near us (the right to carry and own is fine, it's just we don't want one in our home).
I was caught off guard that she assumed a big dog and a gun are ok. I told her no dogs allowed but my landlord may make an exception. She said her dog is a service dog so my landlord has to let the dog stay. This gave me comfort until I said "ok just have a service harness or a paper so I can show my landlord a house guest isn't bringing a pet over". She said by law he has no right to ask.
I should have said "don't come over then." But I couldnt say it as she was already driving around the country on her way here. Plus I wanted to see her. She kept saying she was coming and I kept telling her to wait.
All of our exchanges were through text. And all of it is a misunderstanding.
So she gets here and I can't let her stay bc she has a dog and still won't tell me whether he is or isn't a REAL service dog. Now she's in a campground, and I feel horrible.
She has since texted that she doesn't want to see me bc she doesn't want to be where she isn't wanted. Where did I go wrong? I gave her a list of places to stay. Is she manipulating me? And why do people manipulate? And I keep wondering if I just indirectly threw a friend onto the street? Did I? She was still under the impression she could be here with a gun and dog. Any feedback, good or bad is greatly appreciated.
Ask yourself what sort of a friend expects you to cater for them when it leaves you in a rather awkward situation with your landlord and therefore creates a problem for you.
Furthermore, ask yourself what sort of a friend now refuses to see you and uses manipulation and immaturity to make you feel bad about the whole issue.
Your friend discounted your concerns, which also affected your hime, landlord and living partner, and you need to figure out why.
Were you not firm enough in your objection? Has she always discounted the needs of others? Is her bulldozing the issue her regular mode? Could her illness account for impulsivity?
The dynamics of your friendship is now changed.
Stay still and be firm in what you could have offered her about housing. Agree to meet at a neutral setting without the dog. See if she can do that.
That isn't a service dog. She would've agreed straight away to present the necessary papers if it was. But she got snippy instead and refused. Yes, she's manipulating you and now having an immature grump because you only wanted to go by the rules of your landlord. If you had let the dog in, you would've likely got kicked out, and guess what? She wouldn't have cared.
I greatly appreciate all the feedback above, it helped validate my intuition. It was hard to know whether I "kicked someone who was down". The truth is, I didn't - she was likely going to do that to me (perhaps unintentionally).
I've questioned whether I was assertive enough, and while I may have sent mixed msgs - I was clear about the dog policy.
I also think her dog wasn't a service dog. She only told me he was bc she knew I wouldn't have lied about it. And so she was using me as a means for something else. I may never know why or what caused her to act so irrationally. And that's ok.
She was never this way before but a part of me knows she may have been this way with others in the past. And in the end, I am glad I didn't cave. I think this selfish thoughtless streak is part of the illness and/or recovery or a part of her personality that was dormant before now.
I am grateful I didn't cave, or break a lease or get stuck with a rent increase (or kicked) - all of that was possible. Thanks for the feedback and validation, all of it! Greatly appreciated!