Perfect relationship apart from lack of sex
Hey. New to all of this, but I'm just looking for some advice. Me and my partner have been together now for one year, and I absolutely adore her, she adores me, we are best friends, and lovers all in one. I've never met someone who I can be so myself around, we understand eachother on a level that I wasn't sure existed until I met her. The only thing is, we do not have sex. It is once ever few months. And this is beginning to affect me. I'd say our relationship is literally perfect in every other way, it's just the lack of sex that bothers me. I actually proposed to her last month, and she said yes. I know sex is not everything in a relationship, and up until now I've been understanding about her lack of libido. But it is now starting to bother me, we are both females, and I am feeling very self conscious and somewhat unwanted. Any advice or opinions would be appreciated.
If you have recently proposed to your partner successfully, then you've basically accepted everything about her. You have a need to be with her now, regardless if her libido is lacking. You're absolutely right, sex isn't everything in a relationship but it needs to be there as with other levels of intimacy. A successful relationship will have honesty, respect, trust...and passion.
You need to have a serious conversation with her to really discover why her libido isn't there. Sure, there's a mulitide of reasons for having little or no libido but it's up to you to ask your partner if she understands the effect it's having on you.
Yeah, this is definitely something you need to have a talk with her about. Once every few months, I mean that's something, but that would not be enough for most of us.
The first thing that pops in my mind after reading this is, I realize you're in a homosexual relationship, and I don't know what her sexual identity is or what her history may have been like, but I tend to wonder if maybe she is still having a hard time being comfortable with another woman. Or if maybe she isn't comfortable with her body, perhaps?
Now this part is just my opinion, so you can write it off if you want, but I don't think you should get married. I don't believe in marriage, and I don't see where it will bring you anything that you can't have with someone you give your whole heart to already. If you are both in love and understand each other as profoundly as you say, you shouldn't need documents and an uncomfortable metal band to officiate that. Maybe the marriage thing is causing her unexpected stress as well? (Of course, I understand that some women really desire marriage, they really want the big wedding and the feeling of taking things to the next level. So maybe you are doing what is best for the two of you.)
One year is also a pretty short time. I would advise you to take smaller steps in your relationship, and not rush things. Plan a trip together, go somewhere you are both really excited about visiting, see some place or thing you both want to see. Play some board games together and grab a few drinks at the local pub, maybe go on a trivia night and have some fun participating. Talk about everything on your mind with each other - tell each other the stories of your lives, all of your interests, everything you remember from throughout your life, or as much as you can think to touch on. It can lead to interested and unexpected revelations.
Are you the more dominant one? Guide her hands and let her take control more. Is she the more controlling partner? Take command and be more adventurous with her. Watch some naughty videos with her and figure out what you both get excited by. Maybe buy some sexy lingerie or fun toys to spice things up. Discuss whether you might both be open to exploring your relationship by involving another person or people. Or maybe, the conversations about such things will ultimately lead you to new discoveries about what ultimately gets her aroused.
Age could play a factor as well. After a while people kind of get beaten down by life. It can be really hard to try to open up to others after 100 failed attempts at getting to know somebody. Physically, it can be more difficult to experience arousal after certain kinds of trauma, or after a certain age. If she has some lingering personal issues, that can make it really difficult to just get into the moment whenever she wants.
...Or maybe, she just isn't into sex as much as you are. Maybe it doesn't do as much for her as it does for you. And in such a case, maybe you can both compromise and do it more often, or to try new things. Maybe she needs a different setting to really get in the mood, or maybe you need to approach her differently. Maybe randomly try jumping right into passionate kissing and touching when you really want it and see if she lets you lead. Or maybe going to an upscale hotel balcony, or a beautiful moonlit lake at night, will be the sort of thing to really put her in the moment and ignite her passion.
Your relationship is still young, and I see no reason to rush things or give up too soon. Give things time, and approach this issue in different ways to try to improve your sex life.
When did all this start?
She may love you but not be IN love with you.
If she were she would feel a huge sexual connection to you after just this short time with you. New lovers are like this.
Do not make this commitment to this person who has no desire for a physical connection with you. It’s too important of a factor in a marriage.