Intamacy. Affection. Sex. What do I do?
My partner and I have been together for 5 years now. From the beginning I really thought sex and affection was what held a relationship together. Well at least for me that's what keeps me close to my partners. He may be different and I respect that but as the years went I've learned many things to focus on all together instead of just sex and affection but he's changed so much too. Sex and affection used to be a multiple time weekly thing. He's not someone who is big on affectionate and I've expressed my feelings to him about it and yes he's tried to be more affectionate randomly out of the blue but it's so inconsistent. But I've really just moved passed from that. No biggie. Sex now is just inconsistent, having intercourse probably once every three weeks. And most of the time it's really just masturbating each other and never really anything fully on. I don't feel him anymore. And the times we do have intercourse, it seems I have to just end it soon because he wants it to end. Not that he's not enjoying it, he's just not fully enjoying it with me.
See, what really flagged me at first (to which I had no knowledge of until after a month after dating)was how when we first started dating he still had his ex come around and hangout with and even had the keys to his apartment too. This bothered me so much when he finally told me after a month because he always said to me to not have straying eyes. That if you're in a relationship with someone you don't think of other guys or want to be with other guys.... So of course after finding out why wouldn't I be upset?? As the years went on I once looked at his messages between him and his cousin/sister talking about other guys and how cute they were. REALLY??? After all that you said to me?
And on top of all of this (I know it's wrong of me to snoop through his things) he saves and takes photos of guys he thinks is cute in public and sends it to his email. Or saves photos of other guys from instagram or facebook or from porn websites and emails it to himself. It truly makes me feel so insecure and I know I did it to myself for snooping. But what doesn't make sense to me is when I'm initiating sex he's never really interested. We'd go weeks with no sex but when I'm looking at that email he's had multiple photos saved of other men. Is he not interested in me? Am I not pleasurable enough? He can masturbate once per week but we'd only have sex once every three weeks. It really hurts me. Can it be helped? I'm honestly lost.
It's time for you to sit down and a have a heart to heart with your partner. Your 5 year relationship won't last the distance if you don't because there's only so much you can take before you end up walking away. It's not so much how you feel after snooping, it's what led you to snoop in the first place that should be your biggest red flag.
He needs to explain to you why he's looking at other guys and you need to get across to him that his actions are hurting you and contributing to your unhappiness and insecurity. They're also undermining the trust of your relationship.
Google and have a look at the different levels of intimacy (all work together to help develop a successful relationship) which may help you to have a better understanding of it all.
You seem to be fearful of what might be happening in your relationship. You need to take care of yourself, first. That means knowing you will be OK on your own, if things cone to that.
Some people don’t have a problem when their significant other looks at porn. Why? Because it’s mostly fantasy. And if there are no plans to take it to reality, why be bothered with it?
Has your sexual relationship always been this way? You should sit down with him and explain you are feeling distance from him and feel he’s no longer connecting with you. If your sex life is dwindling, you both need to participate in revitalizing it. If he can’t or won’t you need to decide if you want to live like this.
PS - and Stop snooping!