Feeling unable to move out and live my life
Not sure where to post this but I need to get this off my chest.
I have had the worst year of my life and unfortunately my mother has just passed away from a long battle with cancer. Although we knew it was going to happen nothing will ever prepare you for when it happens. I am understandably grieving but I feel so angry. I still live at home ( I’m 26) Let me explain why. My mum has relied on me financially for years as she had quite a lot of debt and was only just adding to her debt and not paying anything off really except min payments. I suggested to my mum about moving out a few years ago as I was getting older and have had a good full time job for many years now. She always started to cry when I suggested this and I felt guilty , I understood that she would miss me but was it fair for her to make me feel guilty for wanting to move on with my life and was it fair that I was paying off her debt and because of this I couldn’t move out? The thought off moving out crossed my mind a lot and it wasn’t cause I didn’t get on with my family or anything I just needed to live my own life. My mum was then diagnosed with incurable cancer and off course I couldn’t move out when she needed me the most as she was sick and she also has two young children (twins aged 9) Gradually things got worse and her partner , myself and my older sister( who doesn’t live at home) all have been signed off work. Since my mums passing I have needed the time off work to grieve and to help look after the twins who are like my own children however I now need to go back to my work for my own sanity and to get my life back as I enjoy working. I am however too scared to mention this to my mums partner as he has been off work longer than me and he pays most of the bills. Is it wrong for me to feel scared to talk to someone about returning to work? I feel he will judge me and think I don’t want to help him or the twins which is not the case but my older sister can do as she wishes because she isn’t at home and I slightly resent her for this. Just because I live at home I have been burdened with this all and I have had to take on the role of mother to my little brother and sister which I never asked for but it’s naturally fallen on me since I’m still at home. Is it wrong for me to feel angry. I need to go back to work and I need to start living my life as it as been on hold for years now. I want to move in with my boyfriend who I have been with for 4 years and it’s time for me to move out and live my life and do what I want to do in life but I feel trapped and terrified to tell my mums partner and the twins this. What can I do ? Does anyone have any experience with anything like this at all?
Ps I really hope I don’t come across as a horrible person for being angry and wanting to move out and move on as my mum was my best friend and I am utterly heartbroken that she is no longer here.
You've been through a pretty traumatic, anxiety-filled time. At some point I think it's okay to just say, "I need to get away from this.", and focus on yourself.
You have your own life to live. I think we can only dedicate ourselves towards loved ones so much until we've expended all of our extra energy. You helped your mother for years, you gave in and stuck around after her cancer diagnosis, and now you've lost her. If there ever were a time to say, "I'm sorry, but I need to get back to my own life and get my mind off of this now.", this is it.
It's a matter of opinion of what you do but now is the time to make a move and get your life in order. With all due respect, it was not the done thing to help pay your mother's debts and neither should her partner have any say in what you do now. Sure, he may judge you, but that's his lookout because you have done over and above to help your family. You're not planning to isolate yourself from your them but rather you're planning the next stage of your life which is everyone's right.
You're 26, a responsible adult and going by your post, a decent one at that, so get going and get living. Don't waste who you are just to keep others happy.
Wow, it seems like you have taken on a lot on your plate! I can't even imagine what is like to loose a parent and or parents. My condolences. I agree with the comments above as well. You are a young adult like myself and I commend you for wanting to get back to work and make money and become a productive citizen. I think it is best if you express these feelings to your mothers partner. Maybe you can find a job that is part-time and see how that works for now and than evaluate things in a couple months from now ad see where things are.
You also should have never been responsible for paying of your mothers debt. I think that it is sad and I don't know the reasons or circumstances due to the debt but that is something that should not be your responsibly.
If you would like to talk more about this or advice please feel free to email me at [e-mail address removed]
I hope this helps!
1.) You are not responsible for your mother’s debts. (Unless you name is on anything, like a credit card or mortgage as a co- signer.)
2. Is this “partner” the father of these children? What was your mother’s wish for their future? Who has stepped up to take custody of these children? Who is legally responsible for these children?