Is this a red flag with new boyfriend not being understanding?
My daughter has not yet met my new boyfriend and I've been seeing him for 2 months. Long story short, he wants his daughter and her family to be with me and my family over Thanksgiving. When I mentioned his family joining us to my daughter several weeks ago, she was dealing with a recent illness and said she is fine with having just him but wasn't up to meeting his daughter, her husband and 2 little kids.
My bf didn't mention it again until we were out with his daughter and her family a few weeks ago - he said to them, you are welcome to come to my girlfriend's house since it's much closer than seeing your mother for the holiday. I immediately interjected and said while you are always welcome to my home, it depends on how my daughter feels. Then I didn't hear anything until today when the daughter called my bf to tell him they ARE coming to my home - REALLY?
I told him it still depends on how my daughter is feeling and I felt bad and hoped he didn't hold it against me or my daughter - that my daughter wants to meet him but doesn't want a big crowd since she doesn't feel 100%. He said well she should be fine and doesn't need to play with the little ones - to which I said I'd think about it today and perhaps ask my daughter again.
The relationship has gotten serious soon but I don't know what the future holds.
Part of this is that I'm a widow and while I've dated a bit she hasn't been exposed to it too much and seems to downplay my relationships sometimes. I'm certain she is still grieving.
So I explained to him that my daughter wasn't up to having all of his family here this year and that frankly, i had been upset more about her health and what this condition may be. He said don't worry she's probably just under stress and that's causing stomach issues. He again insisted that if his daughter and her family came it would only be a few hours. If not, he was going to stay at his home and have her for the holiday and then "maybe" come the next day to meet my daughter. He was obviously pissed.
Many guys think the hosting of the Thanksgiving dinner is no big deal, and it sounds like he’s one of them.
More importantly, he was rude to invite anyone to your home without your “clearance.”
Are you strong enough to draw the line in the sand and tell him that this year, Thanksgiving is immediate family only at your house. You did agree he could come, but not his extended family. He just didn’t listen.
Let him be pissed. You’ve got just 2 months invested in him. This is an indication of what’s to come with him.
He can take his group to a restaurant and then he can join you later. (Sounds like he wanted a free meal for his group anyway. Watch if he pops for the meal)
I have to disagree with SUSIEDQQ on this one.
As a father, if I was on the same situation I would probably have told you: "It's OK, I can meet your daughter later"
If my kids want to spend Thanksgiving or any other day with me, they will have priority over other activities. If I can integrate them into the other activities, then that's awesome, but if not, then so be it. Kids first.
My impression is that he wants to try the "family chemistry" to see how the kids on each side deal with the others. That's quite important if you're thinking about a serious relationship.
Probably he doesn't want to invest a lot more emotional capital in a relationship that can be torn apart if the kids don't get along at all.
So, did he yell at you? Did he stop talking to you? Otherwise that's him being a father before being a boyfriend the same as you're being a mother before a girlfriend.
I don't see what's wrong with what he said.
Above all else, your issue is about respect. It's not the done thing for your BF to invite his family to your home, regardless if you spoke about it previously. It's your home and you're the one who issues the invitations.
Your BF needs to respect your wishes and the fact that he's somewhat angry about the whole scenario should give you a heads up of who he is. It's plain that your daughter's health and wellbeing comes before your 2 months young relationship, and your BF needs to accept that.
I agree as well ^ As a daughter, if I was in this situation I think family always comes first. While it is important for your relationship to grow and for your daughter to be accepted of this situation both parties have to give a little and I think the person who would have to sacrifice a little in the beginning to start should be your boyfriend. If he wants to stay in your life and you are important to him, he is going to let your daughter come first without you having to push her into an uncomfortable situation. I also think its more appropriate for your daughter to just meet him first and not his entire family. I would feel extremely overwhelmed as your daughter in that kind of situation given the details you provided. Explain all of this to him, he has a daughter of his own so I am sure he will understand.