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Toxic sister

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Alcohol advice Hello all, thanks for listening, I'll try to be brief. I am in a desperate situation with my family. Basically, my older sister moved back home with my dad 2 years ago, because drinking took away her ability to be successfully self-employed and thus pay rent. My dad got sick of bailing her out but didn't want to see her stuck so she moved back home. The drinking continued, in the evening only, she complained non stop about how awful it was living at home, a very negative way of looking at life, all fuelled by drink. She is a horrible person when she is drunk, and then during the day she is completely different, she is easy to get on with. It's like 2 different personalities. I spent years trying to get her to stop, I even lived with her for 4 years until I saw sense.
Then last March our dad got ill,almost died but then made a miraculous recovery. During that time he was in ICU she had his bank card and took out a large sum of money, so I froze the account. Now my dad is back home,is much less mobile and has carers calling 4 times a day. My sister complains non stop about how hard it is and takes every opportunity to shout and rant and rave, mostly directed at me. Her behaviour is insufferable and it is really affecting my mental health. I would love to walk away, but that would mean I would never see my dad again and I want to be there for him. I also understand how it would be difficult to live at home with a sick elderly person and she does a lot of good things for him. But by the evening it turns bad and toxic. I asked my dad how bad it was, and he said it was about 50/50. That's not good enough in my opinion.
I am beginning to lose my reason. I feel constantly nervous as I never know when my sister is going to give crazy. I worry about my dad all the time. My husband helps a lot but my stress is starting to take its toll on my marriage and my work and my basic peace of mind.

If anyone has any advice or words of solace, I would be extremely grateful. Thanks all.

Toxic sister

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I know how hard this is for you. It is always said that you can't help someone who doesn't want help and who won't help themselves. There's not much you can do other than provide your sister with info on the resources that can help her and hope she decides to change. Hang in there and know that you are a good daughter and doing the best you can, and want the best for your family. Good luck.

Toxic sister

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With so many people around, she is feeling threatened that she can't do her drinking. Alcoholics are like that - they get real nasty when their behavior gets monitored.

Has any other adult seen her behavior? Try to get an adult social worker in there to befriend you dad, so he can express what is going on in the home. Share your concerns with the caretakers.

Your sister is sick, but the situation is making your father more ill. Talk to the social worker in front of your dad about other housing opportunities, like an independent living center. Your sister is not a nurse or caretaker, so that's another reason why your dad needs more care in a safe environment.

Good luck.


Toxic sister

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Thanks guys. I am keeping the social worker idea at the ready. My Dad says he finds my sister to be mostly good to him. I suspect he just doesn't want to speak negatively of her. Its not black and white.

You are right, alcoholics don't like anything wrecking their drinking routine and so much of her anger is probably due to this. I spent a long time in the past trying to help her, having lived with her for 4 years- it was futile and I ended up worn out. If I had my way, I'd have nothing more to do with her. But my dads needs brings us together a lot so this is a big life shift.

I think it would be easier all around if there was more homecare for my dad or a live-in carer. But he is resistant to this idea. Not because of money, just pride I think. He doesn't want to go to a nursing home either. So we are a bit stuck and anytime the subject is broached he goes mad. My husband thinks as daughters we try too hard to please him, this comes from long years of him being very strict and critical as a father.

But as long as my sister is at the helm of this, she will display her resentment on whoever crosses her path. So perhaps I just need to bite the bullet and be firm with my dad, insisting on extra care.

Thanks for reading my saga!

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