Stuck in the middle of my feelings for a friend
I'm not sure there's any properly coherent way that I'll be able to explain this, so I'll just do so in bullet points:
-I fell head over heels in love with this guy (I'll call him C) who my friends and I are almost certain felt the same. (~Early 2019)
-I thought everything was going extremely well between us, even though I had to go away for 6 weeks or so (Jul 2019) - when I came back everything was still really good, and I was about to take the first proper steps with us. (Sep 2019)
-I then find out literally the day before I was going to tell C how I felt, that another girl (who he had shown no prior interest in) had asked C out and that they were now dating. (Oct 2019)
-This was obviously a very difficult grieving process for me which took many, many months and, although I've accepted that I still somewhat love C, I don't feel quite the same way that I used to.
-Now, just the other day (Dec 2019) I found out that C and his girlfriend broke up a couple of weeks ago because "she felt he didn't like her anymore" and she thought they should "be able to see other people".
-She now gives me the dirtiest looks and never speaks to me (we were kinda friends before) and I sort of feel guilty. But I can't help but be really happy and I feel awful. C and I are talking again and although we are both aware that the dynamic isn't the same as it was before, I want to give it another try. However, I don't know whether I'm doing this just to spite his ex, or because I want to feel the way he used to make me feel or because I actually want to be with him. There's no denying that I don't feel the way I did pre-heartbreak but something in me feels I might, but then again I'm scared that something like this will happen all over again (ie I get to a point with C where I want to tell him how I feel and someone comes and swoops him from me again).