Is this abuse or am I prideful?
I'm new to this forum. I just have some doubts and i need exterior opinions.
I've been with the same person for the last 21 years, 12 living together. We have a 10 year old son. He was my 4th boyfriend but the only person i've ever had sex with.
From the start we had issues. But things just got worst over the years.
During this time he has yelled at me, threatened to beat me with words and by punching the wall next to my face, although he never actually touched me. He also blames me for is anger issues, says i'm a lousy lay, a lousy mother and a lousy housewife. Yes, i just work a part time job tutoring teenagers at a tutoring center, and the household chores are all my responsability. He also helps sometimes, he does small things, but he doesn't know how to cook, iron, wash the clothes... Still he always criticizes what i do, in his eyes i don't work and always throws at my face that i'm a parasite and that he supports me, and i don't give anything in return.
Sexualy, he's never happy and already threatened to go to whores.
When i was pregnant he said that i was not competent to be pregnant because i was crying due to the hormones. When my son was born i never had any help because he was a freelancer and could not take paternity leave. Still he says he helped a lot.
He doesn't trust me. He feels insecure whenever i go out with my friends, even being females. He says a woman that goes out at night is searching to get flirted and that is a form of cheating. And also thinks my friends are a bad influence to me and that I should share things with him, not them.
I get really hurt and i became withrow wich is says it's stonewalling and therefore also is abuse.
But the reason I am writing is because yesterday he said I deserved to be spit in the face because my ingratitude was to outrageous. Just because i said that sometimes I resent men because the men closest to me weren't great examples(my father would beat my mother, think god he's dead).
He said it with such disgust that it hurt me really bad. He didn't actually spit in my face, but it really hurt me the way he said it.
The reason my nick is insensitive bitch it' because that's what he calls me when he is upset. Sometimes I wish he was right, maybe I wouldn't suffer so much.
Do you think i'm to prideful, sensitive and spiteful or is it abuse? Because in his eyes this is not abuse.
Yeah it's a abuse in nearly every form and it's been going on for awhile and it more than likely, will get worse. Nobody deserves to be threatened to be spat on in the face, in fact, in some countries, to spit on someone is a criminal offence and automatic jail time.
Regardless, you need to look at where you are and what your future holds because the environment you're in now is unsafe and toxic to the extreme...and most importantly, you also need to consider your 10 year old son and the effect it's having on him.
If you know that your father wasn't a great example of a decent, caring human being, then, going by your post, you guy is on the same level. He has no respect for you or his relationship with you whatsoever. and you need to either sort it or get out safely if you can.
Thank you so much for you reply Manalone.
I feel that it is abuse, but he doesn't agree, he thinks that in the heat of a fight we say a lot of shit and we sould forgive and forget because i also hurt him many times.
Due to all the fights i witnessed in my home, i'm deadly afraid of fights, it's almost a phobia. He knows it, i told him many times. One of the times his abuse was at its worst, after he threw a phone at me that broke the door window while I was leaving to go shopping with my son (my son was 2 years old at the time), i showed him a web page with signs of abuse and he agreed, at the time, that it was abuse. But since then he says that he isn't abusive anymore, and if he is i'm also because i Withrow affection from him. He says i'm not caring, nor loving and that in this relationship I just take because i'm selfish and calous. I have a thousand pet names for him, babe, sweety pie, little sparrow, love... Even after 21 years we kiss many times during the day, we tell each other i love you contless times, we still have sex 4 to 8 times a month, but because he is more affectionate than me, he thinks i'm just calous.
Because of these good times i still love him and it's really hard for me to leave him.
I spare my son the most than i can, he rarely witnesses fights and when he is present i try my best not to upset my man even further. But it kills me that sometimes he sees and hears what he shouldn't. First we talked in English so he wouldn't understan (i'm Portuguese), but he is really smart and already understands enough...
Last year we went to a couples therapy, but all he did was portraing me in the worst way possible, even saying i was neglectful to him and our son. And when i tried to speak my side he covered his ears like a kid because he couldn't ear all the lies that were pouring from my mouth, according to him. In the end she said she wouldn't work with us because there was no respect anymore.
I don't know what to do... My financial situation doesn't allow me to support a household alone, it's really hard to find a job in my country and I also love tutoring... I just wish I was stronger...
Please return to counseling - for yourself , even if this man is not willing to go.
This marriage is not a good example for your son to see. He sees the woman as a doormat and the man as a bully. He will grow up to treat women the same way.
The fact that you ask if this is abuse tells that you may be in denial about the reality of the situation. That is why you should continue with your counseling.
What do your girlfriends say about the situation ?
Tanks for your reply!
My friends also think it's abuse and that they will always support me regardless of my decisions, but that they wouldn't allow a man to treat them like that. That is one of the reasons he doesn't like them, calls them prideful feminists and that they are creating a wedge between me and him, because they influence me with their ideas of separation and independence. There is one he hates particularly, calls her whore and that she's leading me to the same whoreish ways, and that i wish i could fuck around like she does because she is single. That she is jealous of me because i have a man and she wants others to be single like her so she doesn't feel bad.... Fortunately in her presence he is polite and she doesn't know what he really thinks of her.
I don't ask permission to be with them i say he's wrong about them, but if i even talk about going out at night with them just to talk, not clubbing or anything, just going to a place where there might be man, i have hell to pay.
Still he twistes everything and says he's the one with no freedom because i just do what i want with no consideration for him...
And thanks for the advice regarding the councilor, maybe I need it more than i realize...