Am I being unreasonable?
This is my first post on here, but I really could do with some unbiased advice. This afternoon I had a fairly big row with my mum, it’s not the first time we have argued about this particular topic and I’m really not sure how to handle this as she is telling me I am being unreasonable.
This afternoon I was walking my dog, she is a rescue and I have been working for almost a year on her recall, today I thought she was ready so I let her off of her lead at the park, initially she was amazing and then she just bolted and completely disappeared. My dog is so important to be and you hear so many horror stories about it dogs going missing so admittedly I panicked! I searched for her for about 15 minutes before I tried to call my mum, she’s lives about 5 minutes away from the park and I wanted to ask if she could come and help me look for my dog and I also desperately needed her as I suffer from mental health problems and I could feel a panic attack coming. She forwarded my call so I text her immediately telling her that my dog has gone missing and asking her to call me back, she replied to my text saying she was in a call and that she would call me back when she had finished.
This response really upset me, I was in the middle of a bit of an emergency and rather than stop her phone call in order to help both me and my dog she just continued like nothing was happening. Luckily after almost an hour I found my dog, but during that time I was a complete mess and so unbelievably worried. After I found her and had calmed down a bit I text my mum telling her how upset I was by her lack of support, this isn’t the first time I have needed her in an emergency and she has just not been there- there’s been incidents when I have had asthma attacks and needed to go to the hospital and decided to go to a bbq rather than come with me (even though I was struggling to breath so much I couldn’t even communicate with the doctors at the hospital), there have also been incidents where I have been really struggling with my mental health and she has told me to get over it and ‘help myself’ even though she herself has suffered from depression and should understand it doesn’t work like that, there’s been so many other incidents too. Anyway, after I sent her the text telling her how hurt I was that she didn’t help and pointing out that it’s not the first time, I got a text back telling me that she had been on hold for ages so there was no way she wasn’t going to finish her call and she also told me to fuck off in response to me saying she’s never there, she told me I was being unreasonable expecting her to drop her phone call and refuses to acknowledge all of the other times she has not been there when she so easily could have.
I just wanted to ask other people if I am being unreasonable to expect her to drop her phone call to help me find my dog and to support me when I’m freaking out about her running away? Am I wrong to have wanted her to just be there? This just keeps happening and I know I should expect less from her but she’s my mum and sometimes I really need her, but this kind of stuff is happening more and more frequently, it doesn’t matter if I try to talk to her or if I explain how it’s making me feel she just refuses to acknowledge what’s happened or to understand how it makes me feel. Today feels like the last straw and my gut is telling me to walk away from this relationship for now, she is not the mother that I need and I can’t lower my expectations but this is all so painful and is affecting my mental health. Am I in the wrong here?
People can't always be there for you to rely on in times of need. That dog will be in your life for a while, but eventually it will be gone one day, too. That is just a part of life. And you appreciate the company of others' while they are around.
You need to be there for yourself. You need to work on becoming a stronger person and handling issues better whenever they arise. Find ways to calm yourself and regroup whenever panic attacks, anxiety, or even asthma arise. (Maybe keep an extra inhaler around for emergencies, too.) It's important to know your limits, but also embrace how strong you truly are and how much you can handle before you really do need to worry.
In my opinion, it does sound like you were being unreasonable to your mom. You can't always expect people to drop whatever they are doing to deal with your problems. If she had nothing going on it might not be as much of an issue, but she was in the middle of trying to do something, and even if she had nothing going on and was relaxing she still isn't obligated to just jump up and run to come save you.
You are expecting your mother to be considerate of how concerned you were feeling in that moment. But, were you being considerate of your mother's time and her obligations?
Yes, your dog means a lot to you. And your mother likely knows that. But even if she was there, there is likely not a whole lot more she could have done other than try to walk around and help you call for the dog, and console you. And, it doesn't help that you caused your whole ordeal by taking your dog off of its leash. For future reference, I would keep your dog on a leash at all times on walks. Animals are animals, and they can do unpredictable things.
I would accept fault for your dog running away, and apologize to your mom for being a little rude to her. In the future, I would not take your dog off of its leash out in public. And try to work on handling unexpected and stressful situations better whenever they arise.
Thank you for your opinion, it’s appreciated although I wasn’t asking for advice on my dog or my mental health, I have been working with behaviourists and trainers with her for almost a year and it was agreed that she was ready to be let off the lead for the first time- so today I decided to take that chance, clearly she wasn’t ready but after expert advice that’s the decision that was made! That was not the issue here and I definitely was not implying that my mum was in anyway at fault for my dog being lost in the first place.
You have also made the assumption that I am not working on myself, this could not be further from the truth but mental health is a serious thing and sometimes when you are suffering you need support- or do you believe that to be incorrect too? It’s not as easy as “calming yourself” or being a stronger person, how dare you! The strength that it takes to deal with these illnesses is huge, why would you assume that because someone asks for help in emergencies that they are not strong? I do absolutely everything I can to get better, I take my meds I go to therapy I meditate I do yoga, I go to groups etc i literally do everything, I live alone, I very rarely ask my mum for help, 99% of the time I just get on with it, but when I’m really struggling I ask for help- are you saying that’s wrong? I manage a majority of my life without leaning on anyone, and I only ask for help during emergencies like going to hospital or helping to find my dog so that assumption is not only incorrect it is slightly condensing and quite offensive.
In regards to my asthma, of course as an asthmatic I carry multiple pumps with me, having asthma isn’t like in the films you don’t just take your pump and get better! I have sever asthma and have been hospitalised multiple times for days on end after having attacks. Also, calming yourself down does not stop an asthma attack, asthma attacks do not arise from panic although I assure you if you were ever in a position where you could not breath I am pretty certain you would panic. I’m surprised that’s it’s anyone’s opinion that a mother should leave their child to go to the hospital alone whilst she attends a bbq but that is why I’m here to get others opinions...
One last thing, at no point was I rude to my mum today, I sent her a text message explaining how I was feeling and I got told to fuck off! And from that you’ve taken that I was rude? I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion.
Thank you for taking the time out to share your opinion, it would have been nice if you had enquired certain things rather than assuming and stuck the the actual question I was asking but hey thats just how it it ??♀️. I was asking for advice and got misinformed judgement instead ☹️. Thanks though
You mother has a history of letting you down when you Experience an emergency , so why call her when things come up? Really, hasn’t she shown you enough times?
It’s difficult to accept that your parent is not there for you, but she must be taken “as is” - and that means not being able to respond to your needs.
Can you think of a friend or adult that you could have called?
Thank you for taking the time to get back to me. I agree she has shown me multiple times that she won’t be there for be during emergencies, I think some naive part of me just hopes that one of the times she’ll actually just be there for me when I need her. Yesterday the main reason I called her is because she lives so close to the park that I was in, but in all honesty I probably should have known the outcome before I even asked. I don’t have many other people in my life at the moment that I could rely on in a situation like that and I guess my inner child just really wants her mum.
Do you think this is something worth trying to speak about when we are not in the heat of things? Or should I just count my losses and accept that she is unable to support me in the way I need? I love my mum so so much and I want us to have a good relationship but it’s seems like we can only get on if the relationship is surface deep with no expectations, and I really struggle with that. It’s so weird my mum used to be such a helpful person to everyone and that’s how she brought my sister and I up- to drop everything to help or be there for the people we love when they are in need. But she’s not like that anymore, It’s really hard to get my head around.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. I myself am a huge animal lover and can completely relate to this incident. I used to be dog walker and pet sitter. We had dogs who had brilliant recall that could be amazing all year round and one day just dart off if they got spooked or saw a rabbit etc.
You're not wrong for trying your dog off the lead and as long as you keep trying im sure youll get there. I find a good tip is that if the dog keeps looking back at you whilst walking on the lead, this is a good sign that they will stay close whilst off the lead. I find it amazing that you haven't given up on your dog. Your still trying so that they can enjoy 'off lead' time, unlike some people who would leave their poor dog stuck on a lead at all times!
I think that with an emergency situation one phone call could wait. One phone call isn't the end of the world, but your dog being hit by a car or being stolen may well be a catastrophe to you! I know if I had of called my mother in that situation she would have dropped everything to come and help me find my dog.
I think that in future you should try not to rely on your mother. Its a crappy world we live in but we can only ever truly rely on ourselves. I would also say if your mother ever rings you with a problem, maybe treat her with the same importance that she treats you.
Sorry AHD. I guess my advice was a little assumptive of a lot of stuff. I am not always real great at this advice thing, but I did my best to try because I saw that there were new, unanswered problems here. I don't always get it right, so I apologize if my answer was hurtful.
I do hate to see family stop talking or grow distant. I wish I could find some way to keep you and your mother on good terms about the whole issue. I felt like maybe you weren't empathizing with your mother enough, or weren't seeing something from her perspective. But maybe not. I don't know.
I also wasn't trying to say that when you ask for help you aren't strong. I was saying you need to become stronger to deal with situations on your own. But I had misread the situation entirely, so again sorry for the disconnect.
It kind of bothers me because this post reminds me a little of someone who I know and like talking to, and maybe I projected some of their situation a little. And now maybe I am concerned I don't understand them that well, and won't be able to keep them around for very long.
I might step back from giving advice again for a while.