How do I tell my mother my news?
Hello, I came to this forum in May '19. My relationship with my mother had broken down for a second time in Oct '18 and I was 6 months into going No Contact. I was expecting to feel better, to feel relief that I no longer had to see her every 6 weeks but I wasn't. I was in despair, more anxious than ever and the guilt pulled at my heart strings everyday that she was going to miss out on my baby growing up. I got some brilliant advice on here, however in the end I needed to go back to counselling for my sanity. The counselling was good for me and I stayed as long as I could afford to. Now it's been a year and three months since I cut contact. I have been getting on with my life making positive improvements and I have been content.
As a narcissist my mother is never going to change, I'm learning to accept that, slowly. Over the last year it's been proven to me time and time again that I have done the right thing for me and my family, as my mother has gone to make other peoples lives a misery because she is very unhappy. My aunt and uncle, and cousins' no longer talk to her. The only people my mother has left on her side of the family now is my brother, her awful husband who is sick and my grandma.
I'm pregnant again and the time has come to start telling friends and family. With my first pregnancy, I had not spoken to my mother in a year since my wedding, and I believed the decent thing to was to call her. She cried tears of happiness but couldn't bring to self congratulate my husband or myself. She wanted to meet up with me, I did and in hindsight that was a mistake. I'm not calling her this time but I have been stressing over how to tell her. When I tell family I expect my grandma and brother will put pressure on me to call my mother. They will think a baby will fix everything, it won't.
I had the idea of emailing her, not from my usual email address, and inform her shortly in one sentence. I have no intention of looking at her response if she, or more likely her husband, chooses to write back. My husband said to do what I want but he advised me against this, reminding me no contact is no contact, it's opening up communication and it will be what she's been waiting for. She knows I want more children, it was only a matter of time. He thinks my mother will find out from my grandma and let other people tell her.
Deep down he is right, with every happy news, pregnancy, birth of our first child or event, our wedding we've had in the past she's destroyed it for us. My only worry is my brother and grandma have to deal with her reaction. Do I send an email?
If your mother has destroyed happy occasions in the past then she's not worth having in your life regardless of her mental state and well being. If she had your happiness to the fore, she would be making the effort, instead of waiting for you to make a move to contact her. Your brother and grandma need to understand that you owe your mother basically nothing, instead you owe it to your husband and your marriage with him, your children and most importantly, to yourself to be content and happy.
Follow your gut rather than your head and your heart. It's all very well to want to do the right thing by your mother but if it causes more hurt for you to do so, then it's not worth your time or your sanity.
I wouldn't send an email to her; maybe you could send out a birth announcement-to friends and only family members you chose to tell. You and your family happiness is paramount; your mother has shown you who and what she is. Put your family first, she'll hear news through the family.
Don't give her another thought..
Thank you both for your replies. My husband and I decided not to inform her.
I'm assuming she now knows seeing as she's contact my father. My parents have been divorced for 12 years or so they've remarried and they live in different countries. During the planning of my wedding my mother tried to get me to uninvited my father and his wife to the wedding. I could see what she was doing and told her I wouldn't do that, I wanted all my family there. She went on to send them nasty emails hoping they wouldn't attend. it created a whole lot of stress. My mother exclaimed she never wanted to see my father again, which was fine by him.
Two days ago my father informs me my mother has emailed him, saying she thinks they should be in regular contact, seeing as they have two children together. Myself and my brother, we are both adults with respective partners.
To me this was a shock, the last thing I thought she'd ever do. I felt vulnerable and angry I could see what she was trying to do, get him on her side so they could tackle me together. My father responded to her email with why? And my mother went on about her poor mental health. My dad isn't stupid, he didn't reply to her, nor do I think he will he knows this her playing her usual games.
He asked did I want a relationship with her because he may be able to reconcile the relationship and I said no and he knows and he understand the reasons why contact with her would be bad for me at present. although he seems to think she doesn't understand how much damage she has actually done. I disagree she's all too aware.
My thoughts are she has mine and my husbands joint email if she were genuine she'd contact us, instead of my father.
She must be desperate since she has alienated most of her family she's got no one else to turn to.
There is a fear she wants to alienate people against me so I can feel her pain.
She's trying to gain some control back. She hates being powerless.
I am not unable to relax without thinking about this and what will happen next.
My, your mother has a lot of energy, doesn’t she? That’s because narcissistic people love the chase and the conflict and the more people involved, the merrier. Now she has pulled out the “pity me” card to get her way.
No wonder you are feeling crowded and this issue seems so overwhelming!
How to “ detach” from this pestering situation is your challenge. You have mentioned a counselor in past posts, can you start up again ? You really need to avail yourself to a professional specializing in family practice.
My heart goes out to you. My parents were alcoholics and also my brother. Of course, I married an alcoholic, too. Alanon and Children of Alcoholics groups saved my life. Get into a support group to share your issues and learn how others deal with toxic and dysfunctional parents.