I don't like funerals, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. So when my uncle passed away I just didn't go. The following day my sister texted me asking why I wasn't there. Knowing she wouldn't be sympathetic I just told her I was working (I did later in the day) She replied that she took an hour off work and I should have done the same. She also said some of our cousins asked about me but she didn't say which ones. I made no more replies, didn't want to argue but these comments from her made me feel bad when I already felt bad for not attending. I have missed many funerals and this is the first time anyone balled me out for not attending.
This is the tip of the iceberg, it's not only funerals but any kind of family gathering. There is a long history of alienation and myself being disrespected by different family members so I feel tense at any gathering so I try to avoid. I'll go to Christmas dinner and the odd event. My husband and I attended a wedding in my family and after supper the family members that we were seated with moved to different tables and there were no empty seats and they ignored us.
When my husband and I married I asked one of my sister to be my witness, she said yes then one of my other sisters made a fuss because I didn't choose her so the sister I asked backed out then had the nerve to say that anyone I asked next would know they were the second choice. My wedding was ruined before I even started planning it. We eloped and my Mom was my witness.
So should I feel bad for not attending family stuff?
Yes, if you like suffering. Otherwise do whats best for you and enjoy your life. Nitpickers never stop.
Yes, I've been doing my own thing. I quit reaching out to them and they haven't been initiating anything. Getting up in age and tired of drama over stuff from years and years ago. Moving on.
I don't think you should feel bad for not attending, since you'd feel bad if you did attend. Going to the odd event to keep up relations is important, I admit. Especially if your family is close. But if you don't want to go, don't. Maybe you could share your feelings with another family member.
Stay in touch with whomever you want to. But don’t write off the entire group.
You can express your condolences with a card or note to someone you should stay in contact with.
No need to apologize for making choices about who you want in your life.