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Are these red flags or should I just "go with the flow"?

Posted by
on Jan 28 2020 at 17:01
Member since: 28 January 2020
Relationship advice I've been dating someone for almost 6 months. After the first or second month, he started saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and marry. FYI, we are both in our 60's but he is close to 70 and I am not. He has been divorced twice and the been alone for almost 12 years since the last divorce.

He is a great guy and has many qualities I've been looking for including being similar to me in terms of finances, religion, interests, values and the like. It's taken a long time to find him since I was widowed over 8 years ago.

He said he wants to be with me (marriage) because he's never felt so loved and been so in love. Also, we live a distance from each other and he is getting ready to retire and is lonely all week without me.

Problem is that I want more time (and I realize all I need to do is set a boundary) but the issue is he can be controlling. For example, he will tell me what to do instead of asking. Example: He will tell me how to do something I already know how to do or "you should brush your teeth at least 2 minutes" and then buys me a timer and puts it next to my toothbrush.

Also, he shows his affection a lot and some may say it's over the top. He met my sisters and they told me he should not be so overly affectionate with me. For example, if we are walking he may stop to kiss me and even if I'm sitting behind him in the car he will reach out behind him to hold my leg.

Does any of this sound like red flags?

Are these red flags or should I just "go with the flow"?

Reply from
on Jan 28 2020 at 22:52
Member since: 26 January 2020
You are expressing doubt and that may be a sign. Good to honor your doubt and see what unfolds. When he is controlling how do you react to that? Do you talk about your feelings with him and discuss different responses to get different outcomes? The best relationships I know are the ones where each partner can be flexible. When you mention his affection, do you feel it is affection, or do you feel something else. Someone might want me to have something and if I don't want it I will refuse. You can have different feelings to him and you can honour them. See if he honours them too.

Age doesn‘t mean competence. Keep loving yourself and inviting him to love you in the way that you will feel good about.

Are these red flags or should I just "go with the flow"?

Reply from
on Jan 29 2020 at 02:41
Member since: 29 December 2013
You either accept all of this guy or you don't regardless if he's somewhat controlling and smothers you at times. His actions should tell you what sort of guy he is and what sort of a husband and life partner he will be regardless of shared values and interests. Set your boundaries and see how he reacts because every successful relationship has space and consideration for each other.

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