Wanting a polyamorous relationship
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. I am extremely happy with him and can see myself building a life with him. We have always been very open and honest with each other. From the beginning I expressed my views on having relations with people outside of our relationship. I feel that if we are honest and communicate our feelings with each other, we should be able to interact with others (sexually and/or romantically) if we so desire. We had several discussions about it and he was always in agreement with me. He even stated that should I go away to college, he wouldn't want me to restrict myself, and that he would understand if I ever wanted to "explore."
I left for college almost 2 years into our relationship, and we had the same discussions about exploring. Our views remained the same. I was truly happy that my boyfriend and I were on the same page because it meant that I could be completely honest with him about anyone I found attractive, or had an interest in.
Then, I happened to meet a new guy that I felt some sort of sexual connection with. Because it was something that my boyfriend and I had agreed could happen, I slept with him. Of course, I told my boyfriend of the encounter as soon as it happened, and he seemed to be fine with it. So I continued sleeping with the new guy.
A couple days after the first encounter, my boyfriend revealed to me that he had a change of heart, and was not comfortable with me being with other people. He also stated that he would like if I didn't mention anything relating to the topic again, as it made him feel uneasy. Of course, I was understanding. I have always believed that people do not have full control over their feelings, and feelings can change over time. This new knowledge however, troubled me, as the new guy and I had begun to develop some romantic feelings for each other, in addition to frequent sex. And so, I continued to sleep with him. This time though, due to my boyfriends requests, I could not tell him, which meant that I was cheating. I admit fault here. I should never have continued sleeping with the new guy after my boyfriend aired his views, but it was difficult for me to ignore how I felt about the new guy, especially since my mind had already been conditioned to think it was ok.
At this point the affair has been going on for a couple months now. My boyfriend and I have maintained a good long distance relationship, but I hate lying to him. I feel like I should break up with him because he really does not deserve to be cheated on. But if I do so then he will find out about the affair anyway and still end up hurt, which I don't want. Plus he is my best friend. I tell him everything. I can't imagine life without being able to talk to him.
I have thought about ending my relationship with the new guy, but right now he is the only thing keeping me sane in this new country. I truly love being with him and the connection between us is indescribable. I have also thought about coming clean to my boyfriend. Informing him of everything that has happened, my feelings on the situation and allowing him to decide what happens to us. But I know he will only be hurt if I do so. And if he allows me to continue the other relationship, he might not be happy.
I do not want to be a cheater. I hate lying to my boyfriend. I know I might be selfish for wanting both men in my life. How do I fix this?
If your BF is the most important person in your life, and your best friend, then the other guy wouldn't get a look in. Plenty of people agree to have sex outside of their relationship and they maintain their relationships by viewing it as just sex with no feelings attached. Their lifestyle doesn't threaten their relationship because they are on the same page and share the standards.
You have an issue not because of your BF's changed opinions, but because this other guy is helping you cope with your LDR. You need to understand that while you are away from your BF, the feelings that you're developing for the other guy are becoming dangerous to your relationship whether it's open or not. Not only are you hurting your BF and your lover but you're also hurting yourself as well in the process.
If you really love and respect your BF, then you know what to do. If you don't, then you need to be true to yourself and realise that you owe it to him and to yourself to end it. Whatever you decide to do, there's only one way with this issue and that's to learn from it and go forward without looking back over your shoulder.
Your BF has told you what the conditions are to the relationship. If you cannot be exclusive to him, ( which is what he wants) then let him go. It’s only fair.
Simply tell him you cannot keep the “exclusive relationship commitment “ part, and therefore must leave the relationship. No need to give any more details.