VICTORIA'S R BRAN - Feb 4 2020 at 20:29
there's this chick--(lets call her Jayla) unstable as hell, does crap like talk shit on her ex-friends, snoop in people's beeswax, tries to turn friends against each other, manipulates people into staying friends with her, gets mad at people and fabricate dramas for no reason, and doesn't respect boundaries... idk what the fuck to do. shes practically infiltrated my friend group so now to avoid her i practically have to avoid my friends
if you want more details:
i met Jayla middle of 2019-- the beginning of the school year, pretty much. Right away we had a really strong bond because
1. we have exactly the same sense of humour
2. I understand her. She has a lot of trauma and mental health challenges that a lot of other people might not understand, but i was able to read her like a book. I practically knew her better than she knew herself sometimes. Because of that, I felt needed, and that was helpful to me at the time.
Almost immediately, I realized Jayla had major trust issues. She was on-and-off with her boyfriend almost every day, she was very suspicious of him of cheating and very suspicious of some other girls we know of sleeping with her boyfriend. Now, it turns out, she wasn't wrong, but she only found proof of his cheating by snooping through his messages-- which is sneaky, rude, and a huge betrayal of trust, and totally disrespectful of boundaries.
Jayla got mad at me several times for saying something wrong-- sometimes something that didn't even have anything to do with her.... Anyway, the last time she got pissed at me, she entirely ignored boundaries with me too-- she started talking to my friends (she hadn't previously), and repeatedly attempted to make them say things she could use against me. At this point, I'd made up my mind: I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. But i needed her to start respecting my space. So I asked her to talk. She agreed, after leaving me hanging for a couple days, and somehow convinced me to stay friends with her.
Last week, I went off on someone (who harrasses literally every woman he knows), and she get upset about it, despite the fact that i defended her when SHE was harassed. That whole 24 hours I got really ugly vibes from her, and the next day she said something to a friend of mine that made me think she was talking about me behind my back. That was on friday, and I haven't talked to her since, despite being in the same room as her repeatedly. She hasn't tried to talk to me, but she has lodged herself into a spot where I have to either be around her, or not be around my friends.
I trust my intuition more than anything when it comes to choosing friends-- which is why this one is stumping me up so much. I used to get really chill, sincere, vibes from Jayla. She isn't perfect, nobody is, I'm certainly not, but recently the vibes I get from her have changed drastically to desperate, manipulative b*tch vibes.
So I'm lost... I can see that Jayla is sad as hell, and could use my support right now. But she hasn't been acting like a friend, and she hasn't been using her best judgement. The relationship has become a weight on my psyche, but I know that she will keep up hanging out with my friends and putting her nose where it doesn't belong, ESPECIALLY if i confront her. I don't want to create more drama, but I also want to protect myself.
What should I do?
In situations like this one, you need to look out for yourself. Hats off to you for being Jayla's friend but if it starts to weigh you down with it's ongoing complexity and drama, then you'll end up no good for yourself, let alone anyone else. Her actions tell you what sort of a person she is regardless of her background and it's her responsibilty to do something about it.
You need to say no to her without feeling guilty about it and when it comes to your group of friends, she can only control what you let her control. Set your boundaries with her and stick to them whether she's sad about it or not. It's all good to be friends with and offer support to different people but not at the expense of your own sanity.
When you stop feeling needed and end up being burned is one of life's many lessons and a true friend (as you've attempted to be) will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. Jayla's challenge is to recognise this but you don't have to hang around and wait for it to happen.